Tuesday, July 1, 2008


I <3 calling girls crazy. I <3 making fun of how girls take pictures of their feet and then post them on their Facebook and I <3 making fun of girls for complaining about guys being assholes and then saying they are turned on by "bad boys".

But mostly I <3 Heart.

Craaaaaaaaaazy On You...

Don't act like you didn't just sing that out loud.

I did.

Anyways - enough about <3ing. I'd like to take this opportunity to point out the fact that girls have to put up with a lot - mainly, drunk guys.

I was at a concert last week where a group of drunk guys decided to not only grab a friend of mine's ass - but to attempt to do it a second time - this time reaching his hand under her skirt. I grabbed the guy and shoved him away - to which he responded, "You better check yourself!"

I had better check myself?

What does that mean?

Why do guys say things that don't mean anything when we are about to get in a fight?

You better check yourself!

What are you lookin' at!

You better recognize!

Not in the face!

Nevermind the beating, I can take that shame - the embarrassing part is the fact that the guy bouncing my face off the bar just asked me if I was "looking for a beating."

Yes - I was going to get one off eBay but I hate paying for shipping.

But thats not the worst part. Is it THAT much of a thrill to grab a girl's turd cutter? No - it isn't - trust me. I've tried. I mean it was nice but then she didn't even call me the next day. Am I not pretty enough?

What base is grabbing a random, unconsenting girl's ass? It can't be first and it definitely isn't second. You can't even brag up grabbing some random girl's ass.

"Dude! I just totally grabbed that girl's ass!"

"What did she do?"

"Yelled at me and threatened to tell the cops"

"AWESOME! Let's do Jager Bombs!"

Maybe it is just me and I am the crazy one.

If you need me I'll be checking myself.


Maureen N said...

Turd cutter?!?! Love it!

I was the victim of a ride by ass grabbing a few weeks ago. The kid was on a bike and no older than 15. (Obviously or it would have been a DRIVE grabbing.)

I don't get it either. I think guys do it just to the reactions their going to get.

ttown said...

big booty girls like myself frequently get the random ass grabs.

did the guy say "yo-self" or "urself".... because i think the first might be sort of terrifying, where the second is just laughable.

Beav said...

Girls are crazy, and I am one of them, put I prefer to be called special. But that was nice of you to stick up for your friend, even though you refered to an ass as a turd cutter!!

Alexa said...

what ever guys does that (unsolicited ass grabbing), is cruising for a bruising.

i also <3 heart, and i did sing that song as i read it. are you going to see heart and journey when they make a stop at blossom this summer?!?

i'm going, we can sing <3 together, it'll be fun.

btw. this is the last time i will be EVER typing <3

ANG* said...

this is an amazing post.
thanks for the laugh!

deutlich said...

I <3 you.

You make me laugh.

Jenn said...

"Yes - I was going to get one off eBay but I hate paying for shipping."

You crack me up :)

lacochran said...

You rock! Even if you did get beaten up. This should have entitled you to gratitude sex. Hopefully you got that. If not, go and remind her what an awesome thing you did. Then point in your crotchal area. She'll take the hint.

Narm said...

Maureen N - WOW - I didn't have the guts to do that when I was 15. I like that kid's style.

Ttown - I still laugh at the word booty. And he was a redneck so he said yursef.

Beav - Such mixed reviews on the phrase turd cutter.

Alexa - I was not familiar with this Journey / Heart tour. I think my head would explode from the amount of air guitar!

Ang* - Glad you could look past Turd Cutter

Deutlich - as do you and your prank war

Jenn - glad my ADD is entertaining

Lacochran - Why don't girls like the phrase crotchal? I can think of way worse things to call boy parts and girl parts than that.

Allison M. said...

Welcome to our world. Now you know why we are special and crazy.

rs27 said...

I think the "suck it" motion is appropriate in these cases.

A girl grabbed my ass once. I liked it.

raych said...

everything i needed to know about the phrase, "check yo self" i learned from ice cube.


that was the m-fin jam!

Monie said...

Ahhhh...another Cleveland blogger. And a funny one at that. Fuck yeah. = )

I'll be checking you out.

the almost right word said...

uhh. this was hilarious. i just discovered your blog on 20sb -- i'll be reading more, fo sho!

Fumbling Towards Adulthood said...

Found your blog via Alexa's site and I've got to tell you -- it's fantastically hilarious!

I've also added "turd cutter" to my vernacular. I'll be sure to credit your blog with an asterisk and/or shoutout the next time I use it. :)

Narm said...

Allison M - Yeah...THATS why...sure...

rs27 - when isn't the "suck it" motion appropriate?

Raych - NOW I get it!

Monie - Cleveland loves to blog, apparently. Weird - what with all of our nice weather.

A.R.W. - likewise!

Fumbling Towards Adulthood - be careful - used for evil "turd cutter" can be a dangerous power.

surviving myself said...

turd cutter.

That is just nasty man, just nasty.

The Doggy Did It said...

Hey when your done checking yourself, could you come over here and take a look at this mole for me?

queenbee said...

i totallly love ur blog!! i sorta just stumbled on it..i'm a newbie to the blog world so check mines out

about the post. i'm a big boobs and butt kinda gal so i get that ALL the time..i just grab back! lol

Rachel said...

Was this a Nickleback concert?

I lol'd when you said the feet picture thing. I just put up a feet picture up on my blog's photo page last night. And I hate feet.

John Barleycorn said...

I think "turd cutter" is the best pairing of words ever to grace our humble language.

Good call with the "bases," as well.

Emma said...

I sang that out loud but in my head. Does that count?

I just had a conversation the other night with my special male friend about feet. Feet, not so great.

The Jaded NYer said...

the guy bouncing my face off the bar just asked me if I was "looking for a beating."

Yes - I was going to get one off eBay but I hate paying for shipping.

DUDE! That was hilarious!! Thanks for the laugh :-)

MsPuddin said...

I totally <3 guys that get drunk and then grab my ass at a party, then scratch their balls.

I totally <3 you and I <3 MySpace. *hugs* =)

Kali said...

You're completely right. About everything. (Except Deadliest Catch).