Monday, July 20, 2009

Mall Madness

I no longer have sympathy for NFL players.

"Oh I had to play a three hour game today and get hit by 300 lb guys at full speed"

Wah.

I'll tell you what, Ray Lewis, call me when you've been forced to go shopping for three straight hours - then we'll see who's a tough guy.

I'm fairly certain I tore my ACL between Nordstroms and TJ Maxx and I still toughed it out through the shoe section.

My biggest mistake was not wearing a watch. I'm pretty sure we were in Macy's for three days. It was like Gilligan's Island - I started trying to make a radio transmitter out of mannequin hands and graphic tees.

My trip through H&M felt like a Madonna concert - and not just because I sang "Borderline" 12 consecutive times. I may have set a record for most costume changes. I tried on every shirt in the entire store. Even the XXXL - just to prove a point.

I don't know how girls do it - when I got home I had to lay on the couch and ice myself down. I think the mall should have little tables with cups of Gatorade to throw on yourself as you go.

In fact - I think you could televise that shit. No one watches the Tour De France - you throw on 6 middle-aged guys trying to keep up with their girlfriends and not get in trouble when their lady asks them "Does this make me look fat?"

Hell - that should be in the Olympics.

Michael Phelps and Lance Armstrong better start training cuz I am killing it in 2012 - and the only drug in this body is shopahol.

19 comments:

Matt said...

I feel your pain my friend.

I bet Brock Lesnar can't shop for three hours straight.

Allison M. said...

I have to say I rarely subject the boyfriend to shopping trips. I can probably count on one hand how often we go to the mall together. It normally ends in disaster. Maybe it's you boys who have the problems?

Marie said...

Wait, why did you go shopping? It's actually torture for me if I were ever to take my boyfriend.

That's why he goes and does he's own thing while I shop myself towards bankruptcy at the mall.

AMANDA said...

You are a brave, brave man,

Mike said...

I HATE shopping.

Andhari said...

Hahaha make it accompanying their girlfriends from all of those stores during SALE season :D And gotta be ready for the catfights and keeping your eyes for the cashmere jackets we plan to try later :P

Lily said...

Make sure you ice down your wallet too. I'm sure it was hurting by the end of the day.

LiLu said...

I'm trying to decide what it would take for me to go to the mall on a weekend.

I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure it involves Don Draper, a magical inability to hear children, and a lot of tequila.

Sarah said...

so you're middle age now? planning to die at 50 are we?

TheGuy said...

those little kiddie rides take a lot out of you too

Lauren said...

This reminds me of those toy store raids. Do you remember them? When one lucky kid got, like, 5 minutes to run through a toy store and grab everything they wanted. Whatever they fit in their cart they won. I wanted to be on that show SO BAD. I remember repeatedly being pissed when the kids didn't run straight for the video game systems. Why waste time on action figures? COME ON, go for the gold.

I was an angry child.

Maxie said...

Can't boys just hold stuff up and know it will look good without trying it on?

Angela said...

I even get sick of it after just one hour.

rs27 said...

This is my mall trip moves. Feel free to steal.

"Yes that looks great!"
to everything

" Its only on sale for 5 more minutes! Get it now!"

Go to a video game store and play guitar hero until she's done.

lacochran said...

You're overworking it. You're only supposed to hold her purse.

Karen said...

There was a show called Shop Til You Drop that was awful / addicting. It came on right after Supermarket Sweep.

Sadly, I never saw anyone actually drop, so it was sorta false advertising. And it would be infinitely better if casted with NFL players.

Fizzgig said...

i dont know how girls do it either! i cannot stand tryingo n clothes. I am in and out. if i try stuff on and dont finda nything, i leave. i dont keep doing it.

It makes you hot. And sweaty, and well depressed.

justjp said...

Dude, I think we should form an Olympic relay shopping team. With Beer!

Ben said...

I stopped feeling bad for NFL players when I realized what sort of cash they pulled in.

Fuck them.