I've realized what's missing in my life...
...other than an ever-increasing amount of hair on the front of my head.
How am I supposed to succeed without an evil counterpart working against me?
What is my motivation?
If I want to become the star quarterback, where is the cocky kid with more talent that makes me become the better man?
When I'm down on my luck and fighting to win the heart of a woman, where is the rich, charming guy with an accent that forces me to prove I could love her more than he ever would?
Or what if I'm stranded on an island overrun by mutant dinosaurs and trying to save my children, who is the mole sent by a rival corporation trying to steal dinosaur embryos?
It is a minor miracle I've made it this far in life. What am I competing against? Where is my antagonist?
Because right now my biggest threat is male-pattern baldness.
And I'm losing that battle.