Monday, May 18, 2009

Running

I attended a marathon on Sunday.

If you've never been to a marathon - imagine a bunch of people running and...ok that's really it.

I just can't figure out the sport of running. I could train everyday for the rest of my life - mile after mile - and never, ever win a race. Ever.

Most people who run will never win a race.

In other words, you are spending all of your time training to lose.

Listen, I have a lot of confidence, what with my chiseled abs and punctuality, but I don't need to set myself up to fail like that.

Plus - I get road rage when someone passes me on the highway. If someone were to pass me while running I don't know what the equivalent of brake checking and honking the horn would be. I assume farting and blowing a whistle. Ahhh that reminds me of grade school.

Even worse than watching people running? Cheering for people running. Running is the ultimate "everyone gets a trophy sport." I think marathons should be full contact. Shoulders and elbows - maybe even tying fishing line across the street to trip people - let's make this interesting.

A guy at the race on Sunday had a "Go Running!" sign. That is ridiculous. Imagine if I had a "Go Football!" sign. Unless he was trying to tell me that I needed to go running - then all I have to say is that maybe my eating habits haven't been great and I can't fit into my skinny jeans but a girl's gotta enjoy life damnit!

What I'm trying to say is that I don't care how out of shape I am or how lazy I have become - I'm not going to break a promise I made to myself a long time ago:

Never run away from your problems.

21 comments:

Kristen said...

A girl DOES have to enjoy life dammit.

That's why I've had 5 Hershey kisses before 9:30 this morning.

Screw running. I like chocolates.

Matt said...

I will be in my first marathon in October.

After this post, I'm thinking about wearing football pads to it.

justjp said...

Dude, can you imaging eating cabbage and a bean burrito the night before. Then, blowing a wicked fart during the race. No one would pass you.

Ashley said...

Running is about competing with yourself. Some hopefully you win every time.

But watching people run is less thrilling than watching paint dry. Ack!

Gilahi said...

The late, great Lewis Grizzard said that you could tell novice runners from experienced runners from the phrases they used. Novice runners use phrases like "hitting the wall" and "second wind", whereas experienced runners use phrases like "throw up" and "something funny in my left knee".

Wv: vabless - The quality of being completely without vab.

Bon Don said...

I will make sure I show support that weekened by sitting on my couch holding a sign that says "Go Running"....yeah that's the best I could do!

surviving myself said...

I had to watch the NY marathon for a little bit to cheer this dude running, and it was terrible.

I fully embrace your full contact idea. Let's get LT to promote it. The REAL LT - not wussy cry baby Tomlinson.

Kellie said...

If marathons were full contact I would definitely watch them. Running is boring I think though. You'll never catch me in a marathon.

lacochran said...

Why would you "attend a marathon"? Was there tailgating involved? Or just tail?

longredcape said...

You should make a "Go Farting!" sign and hold it up at the race.

A guy friend of mine once went to a polling place where people were campaigning for their candidate of choice by holding up signs, and he held up a sign with a banana on it.

Angela said...

You won't ever catch me running in a marathon. I hate running.

LiLu said...

People should follow ME around with signs cheering me on for whatever I'm doing. "Go Twittering!" "Go eating enchiladas!" "Go diarrhe-"

That just got weird.

miss. chief said...

that's weird, yesterday when i got off the bus i accidentally got into a race with another girl who got off the bus, like we both kind of jumped off and started speed walking, and next thing you know, i'm winning. so then i couldn't slow down even though my calf muscles started to scream in agony about all that "exercise" bullshit
in fact....i might write a blog post about this. off i go! (don't try to pass me)

Marie said...

I had running bathroom problems this weekend.

Too gross?

Claire said...

here is what you did wrong: you didn't make watching running a sport. you need to cheer the person you are watching and then run to the next place you can see them, trying to see them as many times as possible before the finish. however, with so many people in the race it is difficult, that is why I support a better race low jacking system...

in other news, I have found a book which is the synthesis of you and I: http://www.amazon.com/Pride-Prejudice-Zombies-Classic-Ultraviolent/dp/1594743347/ref=pd_nr_b_10?ie=UTF8&s=books

first line: "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains."

respect it.

Allison M. said...

I believe I inspired your post today huh?

Maxie said...

god running is so fucking lame. the only good part would be watching runners who poo themselves.

Meghan said...

Running is for people that don't have hobbies like twittering and drinking heavily and falling down.

Mike said...

I would walk places. Then I found out running would get me there faster. I have since found out that cars get me there really fast.

Desert Rat said...

your right, maybe if we made running a contact sport I'd be able to run and enjoy it!

Phil said...

My excuse for not running is that I'm saving myself from any future knee problems and twisted ankles. It's prevention, not avoidance.