Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Detox is for Quitters

I've made a mistake.

Somehow I was convinced to take part in a 3-day fruit detox with some friends of mine at work.

The rules?

All fruit. All day. Nothing else.

No caffeine.

No sugar.

No meat.

I'm still waiting on a ruling on porn.

Ashley over at Encounters of the Human Kind tells me it won't be that bad. The Lady Friend is a vegetarian so pretty much calls this little adventure "life" - in other words - I'm getting no sympathy.

I'll be updating this post through the next day or two on my progress.

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DAY 1 -

Breakfast - I made a mistake and bought all of my fruit on Saturday so half of it is too ripe to eat. To drive this point home the pear I just had for breakfast was the consistency of snot. Now if only it TASTED like snot. I wonder if boogers are illegal on this diet? I would argue they are nose fruit.

Is it possible to eat a banana and not feel dirty? I was taking a bite and a coworker walked by and I know he was judging me. Maybe I'll leave the peel outside of his office and watch him comically slip and fall on it. Does worker's comp cover "banana incidents"?

Mid-Morning - It isn't even lunch of the first day and I have more regret than Tom Arnold when he woke up from that drunken bender married to Rosanne Barr. No caffeine? Who thinks that is a good idea? And someone left a whole VAT of brownies out on the kitchen counter this morning just to tease me. They could give me a wedgie and steal my lunch money and it would be less degrading than walking past their chocolaty goodness and not being able to grab a piece.

I need coffee.

#1 Benefit of fruit detox - no chance of getting scurvy. Suck it, pirates.

Lunch - I cheated a little and had fresh greens instead of fruit. I'm a rebel and can't be expected to follow society's "rules". I'm too busy driving motorcycles and using hairgel and whatever else rebels do. Probably spitting.

A lot of people are asking why the hell I am doing this. Other than the obvious fact that it is something to break up the monotony of my week and to blog about - the fruit detox is supposed to help clean our your system and help control your cravings. For instance, when I am on the couch watching a fourth consecutive episode of Scrubs - my body won't try to confuse boredom with hunger and make me throw down a bag of Doritos like Popeye eating spinach. So I am doing it for half entertainment and half health. And I want to look good naked.

3:00 - I've never wanted a burger or spaghetti or a candybar full of carbs more in my life. I'm not in any way hungry - I just want something horrible for me. It's like hitting on a fat girl because she is the only girl at the bar. Except a burger would be way more satisfying than a fat chick - but the sex vs food is an argument for another day.
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DAY 2 -

Breakfast - Grapes. I'm not even hungry anymore. My body is rejecting how boring my meals are and deciding to just not eat. It's like seeing a penny on the ground - sure you could use some money but it really isn't worth bending over to pick it up. Unless there is some smoking hot girl across the street and you just got finished doing buns of steel - then, by all means, go for it!

Lunch - If someone handed me a Chipotle burrito right now I would make out with them. No questions asked. I would ram my tongue down their throat like Kim Karashian trying to fit in a size 2 dress. I just want something fatty (first time I've ever said that sober and not at a bar).

2:00 - I actually feel great. Like really great. No headache. No coma from eating horrible food. Just...good. But I'd still cut a man for a burrito.

34 comments:

Matt said...

I know there's a gay joke in this post but you made it entirely too easy.. So I am not even going to try.

Good luck. Have a kiwi for me after the cavs win tonight.

Marie said...

What about honey? Honey is nature's healthy desert. I bet you can slather it on any of the fruits.

Can't believe you can't have caffeine. I'd smack whomever tells me I can't have caffeine.

Jenn said...

No meat?! I'm not sure I could do this. I wish you luck!

Oh and uh, there's no good way to eat a banana in a non-dirty way ... unless you cut it up.

Ashley said...

Thanks for the shout out. If it helps, I'm on day 2 of my second one this year.

I promise you'll live, and come out on the other side feeling pretty fantastic!

Kristen said...

Oh I've tried something like this only I ate just Fiber One products for a couple of days.

I cannot recommend it.

There were...

There were some potty issues.

LBluca77 said...

I love fruit, but only eating it for 3 days would be hard. Good Luck. Let us know how it goes.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

wait i thought I said it wouldn't be that bad and ashley said it was going to be killer?!?

wtf

BloggingJason said...

This sounds like the dumbest idea you've ever had. Not that you've had a lot of ideas, so the selection pool is kinda small, but this is high up the list.

I mean, you have no idea how much awesome food and booze we've got lined up for Cinco de Mayo. It's definitely a "sweatpants required" type event.

Kellie said...

And the point of this is....

I don't get it. I think it would kill me b/c I would be starving and lacking alertness due to no caffeine which would cause me to hallucinate about burgers and fries and beer and then I would get in a firey car crash and die.

I hope nothing like that happens to you. Good luck.

surviving myself said...

You've been pooping all day, haven't you?

stealthnerd said...

As dirty as it may look, you'd better keep eating the bananas. Otherwise, the fruit shits are gonna kill you.

Can you make smoothies at least? B/c if you can, I'd totally bust out a strawberry banana smoothie. Actually, Jamba Juice may become your friend (if you can ignore the extra sugar that I'm pretty sure they must be adding).

saratogajean said...

Are you making prison wine in your toilet tank out of your over-ripe fruit?

'Cause if you're not, you should be.

Angela said...

I think you're gonna be pooping a lot after this whole detox thing.

TheBigDeal said...

One question: Why?

Schaferj said...

You can eat beans can't you? Beans are the musical fruit!

Heff said...

PREPARE FOR EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA, if that's even possible.

Fizzgig said...

hmmm only fruit sounds yummier than only veggies, at least you get some sugar!

and i did a detox once only it wasn't fruity, all I did was take pills and poo for a week and a half!

miss. chief said...

bananas are my second food arch nemesis (besides pancakes) for that very reason.
i think you should have planned weeks in advance and weaned yourself off the coffee first. you're going to have that hallucinatory car crash thing that other person said.
be careful

Amy G said...

Why did you start today?!?! I made cheesy goodness for Cinco de Mayo tonight. And you thought eating fruit for three days was your biggest mistake...

rs27 said...

Doesn't fruit have sugar? This diet is a paradox of life!

I don't know what that means

LiLu said...

Um... booze?

Please tell me you can have booze.

Karen said...

Nose fruit! HAH. Gross.

I love eating bananas, but also get super conscious about it. Keep us posted on any solutions. After a few days you might get creative.

fiona said...

I'm sending you VAST quantities of TP.
Because I give a shit!
MMMMMwwwahhh

Auburn Kat said...

Yeah, I would definitely say that you made a mistake too=)

catscratch said...

Men who are manly enough to eat bananas are waaaay sexy.

moooooog35 said...

On the other hand, you can still eat the fat chick if we're sticking to that analogy.

Enjoy your runs, by the way.

Matt said...

I cant believe you stuck to it for a whole day.

Ashley said...

Glad to hear you're still alive!

Not at all surprised to hear your disgust for food. Keep it up!

Maxie said...

I could do it, but only b/c avocados are apparently fruit. Is that cheating

Dolce said...

Did you switch to tighty-whities too?

Maybe the high-cut brief style?

Meghan said...

Banana chips may make you feel like you're eating junk food. Even if you're not.

Happy pooping.

Allison M. said...

ok, for the record, i would've gone along with this diet.

really, i would have.

rawbean said...

Why would you do the fruit detox.....seriously. There is no reason for that!

Smash said...

So um you left us hanging and never told us how the detox ended? In a big pile of poo in the toilet is what I am thinking...