Tuesday, June 2, 2009

No P'ing

I'm trying to buy a house and let me tell you something - it SUCKS. You gotta check the number of bedrooms, bathrooms, new windows, new furnace, insulation, square footage, does it have character?, a yard?, closet space?

Then you find the perfect house and it is in the exact wrong location.

I've walked through damn near 30 houses and there is only one thing I am REALLY looking for - a urinal.

Urinals fucking rule. It takes the thinking out of peeing. You just slap a hand on the wall, lean over and let 'er rip. No worry about missing the pot or splatter on the seat - just mindless urination.

What's that ladies? You want me to put the seat down? How about you put your shut up down - I've got a urinal and I don't follow the rules.

Why aren't urinals standard? Think about all the water we could save by installing urinals in our homes. I'm not thinking of myself, here, I'm thinking about the earf. I'm going to stick my carbon footprint up all you toilet users' asses.

Now I just need to get rich so I can build my own house with urinals everywhere. I imagine all my neighbors will be running over every time they have to pee just so they can use them. I will be king of the neighborhood. The Mr Rogers of bathrooms.

You are all invited - when I get rich and build my own house I'll throw a huge housewarming party. It'll be a bash - kegs, water bottles, coffee, pop - and of course, urinal cake.

22 comments:

Ashley said...

Buying a house?! How so very adult of you, Narm. Are women invited to this urinal celebration party?

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

urinal cake, nailed the post.

are you going to have a baday for the lady friend too while we are on the subject of random bathroom appliances?

Matt said...

urinals and troth's are always a good idea.

Plus it would give your bathroom that special bar/sporting event feel to it. Its a win-win.

Stephanique1 said...

I like the port-o-john's that have both a urinal and a toilet. The hubby and I use them simultaneously when tailgating. It's a time-saver, really. Just helping out those in line behind us.

Fizzgig said...

I would jump on this bandwagon. That would mean youd have your own toilet. And i wouldn't have near heart attacks at 3 am when I fall in the toilet cus the seat was left up. Or I wont sit in pee left on the seat.

Urinals should come standard! Here here!

Christina_the_wench said...

I thought the Flats was a urinal.

surviving myself said...

I can't wait for that party.

Liebchen said...

I have a friend whose new house has both a urinal and a bidet in the bathroom. Your dream can become a reality.

Marie said...

Ok but what if you need to poop?

moooooog35 said...

My old boss had a urinal in his bathroom.

There was a line to use it. It was THAT awesome.

Even if you didn't have to pee, you just wanted to stand there and squish out a toot.

He also had one of those weird water fountains shaped like a toilet.

Kind of weird, but the water tasted fine.

Maxie said...

i hope you intend on selling ads on the urinal cakes.

Ben said...

Urinal = less creepy than a bidet.

Angela said...

My mom's boyfriend installed a urinal in his garage. No joke.

Chocobo said...

As you are a fan of both urinals and sports, I must make you aware of a game that I used to play when I was a cook (along with steel wool basketball): urinal cake hockey.

You take a urinal cake and unwrap it and toss that shit on the floor and then you use brooms to play hockey. They slide on tile like it was ice!

Sometimes being the only girl in an all male kitchen has its advantages. I got all sorts of spy secrets like that.

Sarah said...

wah wah 30 houses - i looked through over 50! good luck!!

Allison M. said...

how did you know! I love a urinal cake!

LiLu said...

I'll send you some urinal cakes with my blog info on them for promotion.

(Who saw I Love You Man?! I DID!!!)

Deutlich said...

a urinal?

ew.

Heff said...

Just find a home with all the other required specs. Ain't nothing to installing a urinal, and it DOES shut the women up about that pesking "seat issue".

These days, sometimes I go in her bathroom and piss on the seat just to hear the bitchin' again. Yeah, I'm a sentimental fool...

Mike said...

Take the toilet out and put a urinal in! Poopin'? I've seen poop in a urinal. Guys can get really creative when they have to.

fiona said...

Narm dear, if your big enough to buy a house then your "big" enough to FECKIN PEE STRAIGHT?
Except maybe on those nights when you've had too many.
Ok I am now officially shutting up, your right dammit, YOU need a urinal...;0)

Tara said...

My brother-in-law has a man room, it is the bonus room over the garage. It is the only space in the house that my sister lets him have as his own. So he took it to the extreme. He is an Alabama fan so in the bottom of his urinal he has Atlanta and Auburn's logos and then written across the top it says "European". This was all custom made into the porcelain, mind you.

I know you are jealous.