Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Getting High

I'm a 5'10" unathletic white guy. I'm not good at any sports. Unless sarcasm is a sport. Then I am decent at one sport.

What this means is that when I getting a big running start and jump as high as I can - I get about six inches off the ground. It is something to behold - not everyday you get to see a man completely defeated and embarrassed.

Being a small white guy, I am also entirely too into sports. It's what we do - follow sports and talk about our 401k. You may think it is lame but I'll tell you what is lame - Ben Wallace's free throw percentage. Right? Right?

The combination of being unable to do anything athletic yet obsess over other people's athletic feats makes me wonder what it must be like to jump 47 feet in the air like Lebron James. I can't even see that far without squinting or getting my glasses. I would have to stop and get a hotel to break the trip up if I tried to even walk as far as he can jump.

Which brings me to the point of this post -

I want to jump as high as Lebron James just once.

I don't want to be able to do it forever. I don't want to be Lebron James. I don't want to suddenly be good at anything. I just want to jump like him once.

I will be getting ready to play a pick-up game at the gym and when I get picked last because I am a short white guy I will just grab the ball, run over, jump from across the street, through the door, past the drinking fountain and then dunk it.

Then I'll look back and be all like, "Nevermind, I don't want to play - I've gotta go diversify my portfolio."

17 comments:

Maxie said...

I think your best bet is to just get a trampoline. Or is that cheating?

Deutlich said...

i totally thought you were referencing something completely different w/that title...

Marie said...

If it makes you feel any better, you can probably jump higher than me.

I'm only 5'2".

lacochran said...

We were promised the future would have jet packs. Well?! WELL?!?!

Bastards.

surviving myself said...

That would be fucking awesome dude. You would have to get it on video though, just so you could relive it every day.

Idea #527 said...

Do you remember the movie White Men Can't Jump?? Woody Harrelson could jump, right? I see it in your future.

Whenever I jump on a trampoline though (not the work out ones the for fun ones) I always get really scared because of how high I am jumping. I wonder if Lebron or Michael Jordan ever feels like that when they jump normally?!?

Or Rashand Mendenhall. I was watching last year some NFL challenge thing on ESPN and he could jump pretty high as well. Must be why he is so awesome. . . that and he went to IL.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i only jump for food.

(fat girl here)

Matt said...

Based on the title, I thought this post was going to be about something else.

Christina_the_wench said...

You're from farm country. Have you never jumped a fence while cow tippin'? What the hell's the matter with you? You shame the PC name.

Kellie said...

I wish I had a vertical too. I laugh about it when I play sand volleyball and I can't get even close to the top of the net. Shorty want to be a thug.

Jenn said...

A jet pack would be pretty cool. If you get a trampoline, can I come play on it? I've never been on one.

Mike said...

I know an easy way to get 47 feet in the air. Start from 50.

Hot Coffee Girl said...

Since when the hell do you have a portfolio?

moooooog35 said...

I love when 5'10" guys call themselves 'short.'

I'm 5'2".

Consider yourself on my 'list.'

Andhari said...

I'm only 5"3 and people totally laugh at me if I play b ball. Hence why I'm afraid to try again.

Ashley said...

yeah, what is it with men and their 401Ks, anyway?

Sustaino - said...

Our grandad has a urinal in his beach house, near the garage. Since he is building out the bottom floor with a kitchen and extra rooms...he figured why climb up the stairs? Love the post title!

Cheers,
Sustainio