Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Ninjas, Tater Tots, OCD

If I had one piece of advice for loving couples who are thinking about moving in together it would be this -

OH MY GOD! RUN AWAY! GO! GO! NEVER LOOK BACK! MAY YOUR FEET BE LIKE THE WIND!

You see, while 99% of the time things are peachy-keen, by letting a woman this close into your life she discovers your weaknesses.

Before we lived together I was like some handsome super hero. I would show up, be punctual, charming, have a beard and be an all around woo machine. Then, I could go home and let out all of my weird little quirks and no one would know. I mean, I'm not a mass murderer who wears the skin of his victims around the house - but sometimes instead of walking down the stairs I jump all the way down and then do a ninja kick-punch combination. I'm lethal.

So now that the Lady Friend has infiltrated the Bat Cave, she has discovered my kryptonite and become quite the joker.

You see, I have some off habits. Her favorite? During a meal, I make sure that at the very end, I have exactly one bite of each course, as well as exactly one sip of my drink left.

It takes some careful planning. I love tater tots and don't really like the green beans - but I have to eat them in equal portions so that they both reach the finish line at the end. Then I wash it all down with that last, delicious sip.

But the Lady Friend is on to me. She watches me eat, she calculates exactly when I what pace I am at and then - BAM - she takes a sip of my drink.

This obviously sends me into a spiral of despair. Now I have to recalculate the entire order of my dinner - I won't get to take a drink when the normally scheduled drink would happen and am left to push my green beans around my plate, wondering if life is really worth all the hassle.

And the worst part is the satisfied smile on her face when she sees my world fall apart around her. She sits, all content, eating the last of her tater tots without a care in the world.

Pretty cocky for a girl sitting so close to a ninja.

27 comments:

Sharon said...

Your blog makes me smile. Why am I just now finding it?

P.S. I hate Oprah's narration on Life. I used to sleep so well to Signourney Weaver on Planet Earth.

Moooooog35 said...

...and..dude...I hate to break it to you..

BUT THIS IS JUST THE START OF IT ALL.

First your green beans. Next, your SOUL.

flask said...

you make me smile, too.

and she's lucky to have you.

Page Seven said...

Well it's obvious you shouldn't be getting married. She messes with your tots dude. Unacceptable.

Robert said...

Thanks....enjoyed

Allison M. said...

don't mess with us - we are mind ninjas.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Dear Narm,

Don't say I didn't warn you when she has sucked up you soul and there is nothing left except your half of your beard.

Living together with a mate = one left with no soul.

Virginia.

Rahul said...

Men and Women living together?

In the same house?

And using the same bathrooom?

and eating tater tots?

I'm hungry.

zwinggi said...

ninja grab her last tater tot next time she does it. you will be under-drinked and over-totted, which could cause havoc with dry-mouthiness, not to mention induce a direct fight, but you will have evened the score.

just don't accept the today show as a viable wake-up program. mrs. zwinggi puts it on at 730ish, but i have a timer on my tv set to turn the channel to espn at 7:37.

so... there are ways to gain your ninja back without a direct fight, you just have to remember that you're a fucking ninja.

Amy G said...

It's called SSB (Secret Single Behavior) and we all have it. Keep those secrets locked up tight, my friend.

Ed said...

Dude. That kind of behavior is worthy of a bitch slap.

Maxie said...

If you're such a ninja, then maybe you should find her weakness.

You should both be equally miserable. That's how relationships work.

ArghZombies said...

Hilarious!
Next time hide a small proportion of food and drink under the table or in your pocket, that way the jokes on her. Success! *cough* urh...furball.

blamemyrobot said...

It's like domesticated arch enemies

Joanne Amos said...

That was good. Thank you for sharing your honesty.

Andhari said...

Awwww I wish someone adores me like that ;p

Bill Shatner said...

Now you know why I would never actually stay with the women I met. I would seduce them, make love to them (often two or three times during one session), then tell them I could never be theirs because I already belonged to the Enterprise.

It never failed. Never.

Kate Carter said...

You are an inspiration to me seriously. Apparently we have similar writing skills anyway. Check mine out and see what you think....
www.rogueandrestless.blogspot.com

lacochran said...

Batman folds his paper towels in quarters.

It's true!

Or was that Gumby?

"Quirks"? Try "character". Stand proud, man! You're Gumby, dammit!

lacochran said...

And...

The OPP tag made my day. :)

Anonymous said...

As for her taking a sip of your delicious drink....I would punch her in the babymaker, and then say "what do you think about that young grasshopper?"

fiona said...

buy a puppy...
It'll distract her. ;0)

MelissaOK said...

HA! You should feel so happy that she still wants to be with you. I mean WHAT? You time/calculate your bites of food/sips of water so that your meals ends in a specific way...??????

MelissaOK said...

Also, it's good to fly your freak flag from time to time.

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Gofahne said...

This made me smile so very much. I think your lady friend is both brave and awesome.

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