I've officially been sick for a full week - which makes me assume I'm going to die.
I checked all my symptoms on WebMD and am pretty sure I have whatever Osama Bin Laden just caught.
I can't decide which is worse - feeling like I've been blowing my nose into thumb tacks all week, or my throat feeling like I chugged a full bottle of Nickelodeon Gak.
But the absolute worst part about being sick is that it ruins all the joys in life.
First, my beloved beard has turned into snotcicles.
Second, it is really hard to make fun of someone when it takes you 13 seconds to swallow the plegm in your throat before saying, "Your Mom is a birther."
And finally, no matter how hard I have tried, my wife remains unconvinced that me putting on Vick's Vapor Rub is considered foreplay.