Monday, April 4, 2011

Juke Nuke'em

Bars are a strange place. It is a place full of people who really don't like each other. Guys don't like the other guys there, girls don't like the other girls there and everyone is jealous of my beard.

Yet, a bar is completely reliant on the group. The entire point of being at the bar is to be around people. Otherwise, people wouldn't think it was weird that I drank alone.

So while everyone at the bar hates everyone else at the bar, there has to be some teamwork.

Which brings us to the juke box. The juke box is an extremely important part of the bar scene. Without a jukebox, girls would have no reason to woo, and what is a bar without woo?

So here are some basic ground rules to running the juke box.

1 - Play a song right away. If there is currently no music playing - play anything. It doesn't matter. People just want noise. Everyone likes AC/DC... EVERYONE. Just throw on 'Hell's Bells' and move on. You can argue with your friends about which Sublime track is the best on your own time.

2 - No sad songs. Don't be stupid - this is bar and people are trying to have fun. I like a lot of sad songs - but I don't need to hear "Mad World" at the bar. The only exception is sing-along songs. "Piano Man" is allowed. But it also brings us to our next point...

3 - Don't jump the gun. I get it, I'm at a bar and I am going to hear Journey. It is part of the whole spectacle. But I WILL stop believin' if you play that song at 8pm. There is a time and a place and a blood-alcohol-level for the classics, and an emtpy bar at 8pm is not that time, place or drink order.

4 - Play to the crowd. I'm an elitist prick when it comes to music. I only like indie bands and shit that isn't on the radio - but that doesn't mean everyone else feels the same way. You can sneak in a few unknown tracks, but never more than two before throwing in something that will elicit a "woooo!". If you want to listen to some indie band and drink beer, do it at home like a normal loser.

5 - Have some variety. Everyone has a favorite band - but that is no excuse to play five of their songs in a row at the bar. This also goes for all genre's that fall outside of the "classic rock" catalogue. Sure, you can slip in a Hank Williams song and get by with it - but three in a row and the bartender is skipping that shit and running your tab all night. And you deserve it.

6 - Know your surroundings. If you are at a dive bar, stay away from Britney Spears. If you are at a club, you can probably avoid the Grateful Dead. If you are at my house and I hear one chord of a Nickelback song I'll call your mother and tell her what a disappointment you turned out to be. Which brings us to our last rule...

7 - Never play Nickelback. You wouldn't want to make your mother cry.


H said...

Nickelback jokes will never get old.

Emma said...

Haha I completely agree don't play the Journey until later. It's a great song for that moment when you've all been drinking a while and are starting to feel like you're "in this together" for the night at least.

Toddletown USA said...

Jeff, great points about the jukebox. It's amazing how a strong music selection can make you a hero, but a bad music selection can make you a pariah (while playing anything by Nickelback WILL make you a leper).

Fizzgig said...

you wouldve hated the night someone played the jesus christ superstar soundtrack at the sun.

who even puts that in a jukebox? they were asking for it!

I sang along. loudly, as its my favie musical. but i dont think people thought it was funny.

oh but it was!

Pgh_Knight said...

I would throw in that decibel level need to be time appropriate also. 5 PM happy crowd doesn't want their ears blown out... save that volume for later at night.

Idea #527 said...

My friend Todd kept "Rick-Rolling" us with Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA". I thought at first he was joking with playing it every 3 songs. . . then he said how much he loved the song and how it was on his top 5 on his Ipod.

I had to buy 2 guys shots at the bar so they didn't kill him.

SandiHensel said...

My favorite part of this post was the beard comment. You always have to sneak those in

Brookie Brooke said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brookie Brooke said...

Oh my dear God I have found someone who hates Nickelback as much as I do. Seriously I think that might be what brought me to your blog all these years ago but I haven't been blogging much and I had forgotten how much I like reading your stuff.
Mostly the complete and utter disdain for such a shitty band.
Thank you that is all.