People love to ask me how I'm enjoying married life.
There is always this tone in their voice like they are offering sympathy - like they know I just lost my job and stepped in a mud puddle.
I've been single, I've dated and I've been married.
And being married is great.
Imagine unlimited access to boobs. It is like I took a wrong turn and ended up in a boob parade around my house. We actually declared my house as its own country and have begun using the boob as our currency. And my wife is rich.
But that doesn't mean I don't know how awesome it was to be single. Single people get to flirt which is a faint memory of mine. Don't ever forget that, Single People. You know those old guys who sleep on benches at the mall? That's how single people treat married people - so if you are single, go out and flirt and enjoy being higher on the food chain that a large potted plant.
Single people also have no plans. I forget what free time feels like - I bet it feels nothing like sorting through recycling or changing lightbulbs. I can barely take a #2 without trying to tie it to some sort of chore (note: I wouldn't touch anything that uses batteries in my house).
Know what sucks? Dating. Dating is the worst. When people in a relationship give me the Marriage Pity Look I can't help but laugh. Really, buddy? I bet your pockets are full of ticket stubs of Matthew McConaughey movies and that you 'really do like all of your girlfriend's friends'.
And when you "really need to talk" it isn't because you forgot to flush the toilet again - it is something serious. What if you break up? How long do you have to wait to change your Facebook status? And you already bought tickets to that Matthew McConaughey movie.
And listen, I'd love to go with you, but I'm busy this weekend.
Gotta hitch a ride on the Boob Parade.