Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Wolverine Sucks

Ok - that title is a bit of baiting wrapped in a chewy layer of hyperbole and nougat.

Wolverine doesn't suck - he has adamantium claws and the ability to heal himself. If it weren't for that haircut, he'd be nearing Tom Hanks levels of cool.

But I think we've all taken the Wolverine love a bit too far.

In a world where mutants can control thoughts, move objects with their minds, fly, shoot lasers - and a bevy of other tricks - some claws and rapid-healing aren't that spectacular.  In fact, they're barely impressive. I barely ever catch a cold - is that a super power?  And are claws really that large an upgrade over just holding a damn knife?

Know what I can't do?  Shoot lasers out of my eyes. That's what.

I know, I know, Cyclops sucks. In fact, you could argue that Cyclops' only real role in the X-Men is to act as the antagonist to Wolverine. He is the pretty-boy, do-good, entitled jerk that makes us all swoon at Wolverine's leather jackets and motorcycle.

But, in a fight against mutants?  I want the guy with laser beam eyeballs instead of the guy with long fingernails. Wolverine could be captured and contained fairly easily. Cyclops winks and all that's left are some smoldering tree limbs.

Let's put it this way, if Cyclops had Wolverine's personality, we'd all be talking about how great those sunglasses look and how Wolverine's haircut is stupid.

And how neither of them is as cool as Tom Hanks.


lacochran's evil twin said...

Wolverine's haircut *does* suck. And what kind of superpower can be undone with bamboo shoots?! He better stay away from the Moo Goo Gai Pan.

Gilahi said...

OK, geek time here. Wolverine isn't actually a mutant. He's the product of mad scientist kinda surgery. Sorta like the $6 million man was. Wolverine = modern medicine, mutants = birth defects.

WV: latepp - What I seem to have to do more and more at 3:00 AM.

A said...

Gilahi, this is embarrassing even posting this, and apparently my DH is more of a geek, but Wolverine IS a mutant. He had ability to heal quickly...and even as a boy he had bones coming out of hands.
Yes, I do realize I am talking about characters in a fictional movie everyone. Dear God, please forgive me.

ClevelandGooner said...

Wolverine is one of the strongest X-men. Don't believe me? Ask the makers of the Overpower card game. You can't get a more reliable source for objectively determining the mutant power capabilities of an X-man than the comic book version of magic the gathering. Also, I still think you are neglecting Wolverine's special forces training and all round Billy Badass-ness.

Idea #527 said...

Ummm. . . I would take Cyclops (aka James Marsden) in a heart beat. I would like a Wolverine/Cyclops sandwich. . .

Narm said...

@ A - thanks for clearing that up because I was going to say the same thing

@ ClevalandGooner - your argument about strength and training is null and void because we're talking about a world where his competitors have super human strength and dexterity as part of their mutant powers. Being strong or fast for a person doesn't compare relative to his competition.

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