Tuesday, September 18, 2007

"Nothing" or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Female

In reading my friend’s incredibly entertaining blog – I realized that girls do a much better job of verbalizing their confusion in men than men do in women. Perhaps this is because women are just so batshit crazy that man’s only response is to throw his arms up and walk away, or, perhaps, men have just accepted this behavior as a necessary evil to getting laid. Either way, I thought I would write about one thing that drives me insane about women, and more importantly, relationships.

*I should point out that this post is not a reflection of any past relationship in particular - my most recent ex may not have been thrilled about hatred for all things movement, but understood and even participated in my laziness. This post is more a collection of various conversations I have had with other guys about why they are afraid to commit.

So on to my #1 pet peeve in relationships – the scheduling. If you call me on my drive home and say, “What are you doing tonight?” My response will be, “Nothing.” – which is where the confusion sets in. To explain this I think we may need to look at the language itself.

The word Nothing.

To women – “nothing” means that the guy has nothing PLANNED. This, in turn, means that the guy should immediately make plans with her. I have never heard a girl say that she was doing “nothing” unless she expected to be invited to do “something”. A night of doing “nothing” for a girl is often spun to sound like “something” – “Are you kidding me? I am watching Laguna Beach tonight!” is often a response to the question of plans. In their defense, a girl planning to stay home and watch a half-hour show will spend hours in preparation making dinner and talking with countless friends about last weeks episode (not to mention post-game analysis of how much of a bitch ____ is and how _____ is so hot). A half-hour show (not that I know how long it is…that’s just what the neighbor girl told me while I was using a chain saw and eating steak the other night) becomes an event, a plan, a plan that must be scheduled.

Now to men. Men treat the word “nothing” as an event. Doing “nothing” is “something”. “Nothing” means I am going to go home, sit on the couch, eat shitty food and complain about how nothing is on. Even when something IS on – my plans are “nothing” – it just means I consider sitting around watching “The Office” as “nothing”. It seems girls get insulted when doing “nothing” does not turn into an invitation to do “something”. I have no problem doing “nothing” with a girl – as long as she understands the rules: the food is unhealthy, the language vulgar and movement out of the question.

Having plans is great – and extremely important in relationships. I love going out to eat, renting a movie, going to the game and all the little things that go with dating. Those are the things that you can talk about and remember and make a couple, “a couple” – but at the same time, a relationship should never turn into a full-time job. Sometimes it is just as important to have “nothing” planned.


Hot Coffee Girl said...

I am totally on board with the idea that doing Nothing is Something. In fact, I am pretty sure I invented it.

Along with the internet. Hey.

But the notion that we're all batshit crazy? Yeah. From dealing with the likes of you all.

Narm said...

It must be confusing - what with our straight-forward answers and firm grip on reality. I don't know how you deal with us.

And I believe you invented the internet - that explains all of the porn.

Allison M. said...

I hate that. You can't be doing "nothing." You are always doing something. Even my girl friends will say, "hi what's up, what are you doing....nothing!" The word "nothing" has replaced the "ums" in our language.

Anonymous said...

There's this guy named Jerry Seinfeld who did a show about "nothing." Heard it was pretty successful too.

JPProlix said...

The steak and chainsaw line killed me, it was ironic because I read it while smoking a marb red and having a scotch. Chainsaws, cigs, steak, and scotch, that's a good nothing.