If You Scratch My Back...

Relationships are hard. Men don't speak crazy and women have trouble understanding men, what with our straight forward answers and the way we don't assume you already know what we are talking about. (I'm only kidding - I'm fluent in crazy).

Girls expect a certain amount from guys, and rightfully so. I am not blind to the fact that girls hold all of the power - you being the attractive species we should work to get you to stick around. From what I have gathered in my small amount of time around the female is that she enjoys surprises, especially those that make her feel important and attractive. Routine seems to be a form of evil - and a guy looking for a few bonus points can shoot a lay-up with a surprise dinner or flowers.

What I never hear people talk about, however, is what little things girls can do for guys.

I know, I know - guys don't deserve it and it's pretty lame for any guy to admit he wants anything from a girl that involves pants. I, however, know of one thing that every guy, every single man on the planet, possibly every male mammal on the planet and if there is life on other planets - and they have a difference in sexes - then male aliens love this as well; a good back rub.

There are many types of back rubs - the rough, clawing, cat-on-the-sofa scratch - good for an intense itch; the slow, deep back massage after a long day's work; the sexy-straddle rub in bed that always turns into something more. But none of these are as easy or as satisfying as the everyday, laying-on-the-sofa, just-barely-using-the-fingertips rub.

I have always loved this back rub - much like every other man who has ever walked the earth - but it was not until recently that I learned to appreciate it like a fine wine. Take, for instance, this past Sunday at the Browns game. As I sat with my roomate, Chuck, he looked across the crowd and commented:

"Now THAT is a good woman"

I look down and see an overweight, middle-aged man sitting next to a woman. The woman had her hand draped across his back and was giving him one of those spectacular back rubs.

"You ain't kidding!" I respond, before noticing a tanned blonde putting the cleave in Cleveland two rows away. "Wait do you mean the one giving the backrub or the hot blonde?" I ask.

"The back rub - goddamn that guys is living the life right now."

And I couldn't argue.

Side-note - my buddy Lyle pointed out the fact that when a guy starts getting a back rub he will FREEZE. No matter how awkward the position - the gripping fear that the back rub will end is enough to keep a man paralyzed in his position. I have been leaning over to get a beer and been lucky enough to get a back rub. I have no shame in freezing, in my leaned over position, and trying to still find a way to tip the can to my lips so I can get a drink while I savor the delicious back rub. Don't be ashamed fellas - you know its true.

Now I'm not an idiot (I just play one online), I realize women LOVE back rubs as well. That being said, a girl is never going to go to her friends and brag about how amazing her bf is because he gave her a back rub. It is one of those assumed roles of a boyfriend that are part of the boyfriend package. For guys, however, a back rub is one of those things that makes them think, "Damn this girl is AMAZING!" It takes maybe five muscles to give a guy back rub - and I can all but promise you he will be to scared to move through that all-day "America's Next Top Model" marathon.

I understand guys are idiots and we fuck up all the time - trust me I do. Girls deserve all of the hours put into coming up with creative ideas for dates and surprises and all of the other things involved with relationships. BUT - the next time a guy does something that makes you freeze in your spot and think, "Goddamn this guy is incredible" - remember how easy it is for you to repay the favor. And don't be stingy.