Thursday, December 6, 2007

Top 10 Skills For Manhood

I was recently reading an article about the 25 skills all men should possess. Some of the things listed in the article were true – changing the oil in your vehicle, backing up a trailer, how to filet a fish and get your car unstuck are definitely things I agree should be on the list (even though I can’t filet a fish – but my manhood has been in question since I used the phrase “antsy in my pantsy” a few posts back). Others were headscratchers – rescuing a capsized boater? Really? Is that even a skill? Are you like, “Oh my god, their boat capsized!!! Quick, someone call Jim – he is AWESOME at boat rescues!” Another skill was extending your wireless network – with the advice to “buy better equipment”. No shit? I thought if I tied two cans together with string and wrote Google on one I could finally get to the porn!

So I decided to make my own Top 10 list (25 would take too long and I am really, really lazy). I would love to hear others’ opinions, as I have lead a fairly sheltered life, growing up in the country and all, so I may have missed some very important skills.

Changing A Tire.

The rest of this list is in no particular order but I think this has to be number one. It isn’t hard and everyone has to do it sooner or later. If you can’t do it and a girl comes in and does it for you – you officially have to return your penis and get a tattoo that says, “I’m a nancy boy”.

Unhooking A Bra.

Doesn’t have to be the first try, fellas – but you gotta be able to do it. If a girl is wearing some crazy bra that has a clasp harder to break than the vault of a casino – then there is no point deduction. Double-points are awarded for the one-handed release.

Haggle With A Salesman

This is really just a pissing contest – and what do guys like more than competition? Answer: chicken wings and boobs. But competition is third – and rarely are chicken wings eaten in an environment when there is some, even if unspoken, competition going on. I forget what I was talking about. Did someone say boobs?

Drink A 6 Pack Without Getting Drunk

You can be buzzing, that is not a problem, but 6 beers does not mean you are allowed to dance (the greatest litmus test of drunkenicity).

Compliment A Girl

I can hear the guys collectively making fun of me on this one. Swallow the pride boys – girls spend entirely too much time trying to impress us - so get over yourself for 30 seconds and notice the new haircut or if she obviously went out of her way on the outfit. Not saying you have to get all Joan Rivers on their ass – but it won’t kill you to acknowledge she is out of your league.

Approach A Girl At A Bar

Oh man this one sucks. Girls have NO idea because even if you approach a guy at a bar – you are still the attractive species so it is always welcomed. We are guys – we have few redeeming qualities, so trying to woo a girl isn’t as easy as you lead us to believe. That being said, a guy should be able to start a conversation at the bar, even if he gets shut down. Liquid courage is not only acceptable but encouraged.

Grill

If you can’t grill a steak then go home, asshole. Seriously. Every male guest at a cookout / tailgate should have the skills to man the grill. It’s a community activity - the grill master may need a beer, or to hit on the cute redhead from his work because her boyfriend didn’t show up to the party and she was TOTALLY hitting on him last Friday at Happy Hour even if she was wasted – there should be no drop-off when another man steps in to take care of the altar that is a grill. “It takes a village to raise a child” works for my steak as well.

Starting Machinery

You ain’t gots to drive it; but you gots to start it. Chainsaws, fork-lifts, tractors, leaf blowers, lawn mowers – a guy should know how to start anything. A side-bar of this one is that no matter how much hell a piece of machinery is giving you – you don’t give up until either you have started it, or you are bleeding. I have had wrestling matches with our old skid loader that make Ali vs Frasier look like two kittens playing with a ball of yarn. Rumble in the Jungle? How about the Meltdown in Deltown (that’s Delphos for you Clevelanders).

Pull Off The “Just-Roll-Out-Of-Bed” Look

We all have that ratted out pair of jeans, t-shirt with holes around the neck and the faded basketball camp logo, the hair that looks like it may have been styled at some point last week and that trusted pair of aviators. All guys should be able to pull off the “Fuck You” look. If you can’t leave the house without putting product in your hair, or making sure you have a clean shirt, you need to check your pants again, cuz I am pretty sure your penis is a mirage from too much hair gel.

Drive Stick

I can’t drive stick. I’ll admit it. I have driven my old man’s grain truck which is a stick – but I could never handle driving on a highway in a manual car. How embarrassing is that? I am a redneck and can’t drive stick. Not only that, but I am not intelligent enough to make sure that I can do all ten things on my own top ten list. I really need to rethink my life.

What did I miss? I am interested to hear the female perspective – I am sure their story is much, much different than mine…

7 comments:

BloggingJason said...

Nice list, Narm. One I would add would be How to Carve a Roast. Our fathers probably still have this responsibility, but someday you'll be the Alpha Male at dinner. A woman near and dear to your heart will bring to you a large piece of animal(turkey, ham, standing rib roast) that she spent most of the day cooking to perfection. You will be expected to not fuck up her labor of love. Good luck.

Hot Coffee Girl said...

Huh. No stick, eh?

Allison M. said...

Nothing ruins the mood more than if you are with a guy who can't undo a bra. Seriously -- this should be learned as part of sex ed in the schools.

Momo said...

I love it. All of it.

I would like to add: Make a girl feel as if you can protect her, even if deep down you're pretty sure the other guy can kick your ass.

I'm not saying you have to jump into the line of fire, but no girl wants a man who runs the other way. Hold your ground, and let your girl know you'll man up if needed. I don't find fighting attractive -- the opposite -- but I also don't want to be left in the lurch if a bar fight breaks out or some other random incident happens (like, I don't know, getting punched in the face the night before graduation? That sounds familiar...)

In fact, just the other day, one of my littlest guy friends jumped in front of me and my roomie when a fight broke out at Dive Bar, and shoved us aside, protectively ushering us away from the action. And I loved him for it.

We just want to feel safe sometimes. :)

Narm said...

BloggingJason - good one. I tried to watch the old man do the turkey this year and got confused. Plus I eat too many scraps when in charge.

HGC - don't judge me

Allison - you don't get suspicious if a guy is TOO good at it?

Momo - that is a good one - as long as the female in question isn't instigating the fight. I hate when a girl runs her mouth and gets her bf in a fight - completely unfair.

Amy G said...

I heart you. What a good boy.

Anonymous said...

I think it is extremely important that every man can piss his name in the snow.. you see... ever since I moved far far away to a place where snow doesn't exist.. you began to appreciate true male talents like these:) haha.. oh and btw.. every girl has to admit a guy on a big ass tractor is pretty damn sexy!