Tuesday, July 20, 2010

It's All About Status

Let's talk about Facebook. Or more importantly let's talk about who you talk to on Facebook.

Know who can read your status on Facebook? Everyone on Facebook. Know who can't?

Your pet, even though he just didn the cutest thing and you just wuv him so, so much. Yes, you do. YES YOU DO!

Your grandpa who is celebrating his 92 birthday and doesn't know the difference between Facebook and a banana.

Your baby. Why? Because it is a fucking baby.

Writing a Facebook status, particularly to a person who doesn't have Facebook, is like having a conference call with your entire address book to tell your girlfriend you are going to be home late for dinner. Only she isn't on the call.

But know what is even worse? Status messages that ARE directed at someone, but in some super sneaky, ninja way, don't name them.

"You are so out of my life."

"I love you!!1!!!<3"

"Thanks for the herpes."

In today's day and age, there are millions of ways to talk to people. You can email, text, call, message, direct message, snail mail, or, even, see them in person and use your vocal chords to form real, live words.

So why on earf would someone choose to make a status message directed at one person visible to everyone in their friends list?

Send them a fucking fax like a normal person!


Moooooog35 said...

And to think I was being extra sneaky about the herpes update.


stealthnerd said...

Ugh...so true. It also bothers me when people post messages to dead grandparents, to like, revisit the anniversary of their death. It's both morbid and non-Facebook appropriate.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

why are you always right?

Amanda Keeler said...

Oh how I've missed your blog. This is the best post ever, even though I am guilty of a couple of those FB statuses.

heidikins said...

Haha! This? Is Awesome.


Anonymous said...

Facebook is a total waste of time. Its only good if you are a passive aggressive pussy that wants to convey a message to someone that may possibly know what you are talking about. Why not communicate with people in the real world instead?

Renee said...

I will never stop posting pictures of my dog! You can't take that away from me Narm! I don't talk to her tho. I just blatantly put the picture in your virtual face and know that people will either "awww" or scroll on by. I'm thoughtful.

As for the other stuff you listed...I now right?!?! Efuckingnough already!

lacochran's evil twin said...

What I hate are the boring conversations between two people that everyone gets to see because they're in the status.

"Are you going to Floyd's party?"

"Yes, do you want me to pick you up?"

"Okay. How about @7? It should be good."

You know what isn't good? Watching you two yammer on.

ClevelandPoet said...

I like to use smoke signals.

also totally going to get you back for this by saying something about it in my facebook status.

take that.

flask said...

narm, i know you're taken, but i love you. i just needed to say that.

should i open a facebook account to say it?

LiLu said...

Oh, come on! Facebook-passive-aggression is the new black!

Bite Buff said...

Ha, I love it. You're saying what the rest of us are thinking. Why can't everyone get on that bandwagon?!

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Biggie said...

Love the last line about the fax. Memories of the last time I saw you IN REAL LIFE at Flannery's.