The farmer dating site FarmersOnly.com has a slogan -
"City folks just don't get it."
And it is so true.
I realize why it took me so long to assimilate with the urban lifestyle -
I'm a raging alcoholic.
Or, was a raging alcoholic, before I shunned my country roots and became a city kid.
City kids drink because it is fun. There is bar hopping and beer tastings and pretty girls that are all dressed up.
No, in the country, we drink because it is literally the only form of recreation available.
Think about it. When you were growing up, what did you do? Go to the mall? To a baseball game? Did you hang out at concerts or parks or any other PLACE?
In the country, we don't have PLACES. We just have open space - and when you're 13 and sick of playing bloody knuckles for 4 hours, you have to find something else to do. Cow tipping doesn't count.
So we would have "road parties" - where we would find some country road that maybe sees one car a week and throw a party. Or barn parties. Or anywhere else, really, because beer is to country folks what Starbucks is to city kids.
In fact, when I first moved to Cleveland, I was so confused by non-drinking events.
"So, um, we just...like...go to the game? What about pre-gaming? And in-gaming and post-gaming?"
I just didn't get it. We didn't drink for fun in the country, we drank because we had no other choice. It was like a hostage situation - except really awesome. So not really like a hostage situation at all.
But, finally, after a lot of encouragement from loved ones and a padlock put on our refrigerator, I can finally say I can now enjoy many recreational events without being hammertimed.
But don't you worry, Reader -
Blogging isn't one of them.