Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Have a Drink On Me

The farmer dating site FarmersOnly.com has a slogan -

"City folks just don't get it."

And it is so true.

I realize why it took me so long to assimilate with the urban lifestyle -

I'm a raging alcoholic.

Or, was a raging alcoholic, before I shunned my country roots and became a city kid.

City kids drink because it is fun. There is bar hopping and beer tastings and pretty girls that are all dressed up.

No, in the country, we drink because it is literally the only form of recreation available.

Think about it. When you were growing up, what did you do? Go to the mall? To a baseball game? Did you hang out at concerts or parks or any other PLACE?

In the country, we don't have PLACES. We just have open space - and when you're 13 and sick of playing bloody knuckles for 4 hours, you have to find something else to do. Cow tipping doesn't count.

So we would have "road parties" - where we would find some country road that maybe sees one car a week and throw a party. Or barn parties. Or anywhere else, really, because beer is to country folks what Starbucks is to city kids.

In fact, when I first moved to Cleveland, I was so confused by non-drinking events.

"So, um, we just...like...go to the game? What about pre-gaming? And in-gaming and post-gaming?"

I just didn't get it. We didn't drink for fun in the country, we drank because we had no other choice. It was like a hostage situation - except really awesome. So not really like a hostage situation at all.

But, finally, after a lot of encouragement from loved ones and a padlock put on our refrigerator, I can finally say I can now enjoy many recreational events without being hammertimed.

But don't you worry, Reader -

Blogging isn't one of them.


lacochran's evil twin said...

I'll drink to that!

Bite Buff said...

Oh man, I miss "road parties" and "field parties"!

Tracy said...

omg, if this isn't the truth. I grew up in east butt-$#@! and drinking was the only thing to do. Oh yeah, in the summer we could go to the drive-in movie. And drink. When the McDonald's came into town it was the event of the century

ClevelandPoet said...

oh should I not just randomly drink whenever I want no matter the situation?

I didn't get that memo and if that memo is out there make sure it doesn't ever make it to me.

Ben said...

I was a country boy for a few years and not at all in a sexy porn way. Straight up cheese and sheep-farming country living. We didn't have PLACES either.

Unfortunately I was only 8 and drinking was still frowned upon at the time.

Ed said...

When I saw the post title,I thought you were offering us body shots, and I was like, "No thank you, Narm!"

But then I read your tell of Deliverance meets Cheers, anyway.

Moooooog35 said...

Please tell me that somewhere, on the great big Interwebs, is a picture of you in Daisy Dukes.

The shorts, not the actual Daisy Duke.

Although, I'd like to see those pictures, too.

Mike said...

This is why the #1 form of death out here in the country is drunk driving. I mean, there's no taxi service. How the hell are you to get home?

Drive, that's how!!!

Radical Bradical said...

I'm still new to the "city kid" lifestyle Nom. I haven't really adjusted to the non-hammered way of life too well.

This post just gave me hope that you really don't need alcohol to have fun. I knew my Mom would never lie to me.

James the Greatest said...

absolutely true. especially in the deep south, like cajun country Louisiana. I remember when a friend came in from the north (by which I mean Virginia; because around here, anything above I-10 is "the north"). he was incredibly confused when alcohol was served at a religious event. sure, it's not necessarily the most common of occurrence here. but none of the locals were at all phased by it. he, meanwhile, was just flabbergasted.

in southern Louisiana especially, alcohol is part of the culture. if anything is occurring, you know booze will be there.

Anonymous said...

This just completely made my past two years of highschool ok! Except... I'm not going to college in a city. No, where do I decide to go? Mississippi State. Middle of nowhere.

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