Monday, November 29, 2010


Know why you don't see any homeless women?


Hear me out.

Guys are slime balls. Complete and total disgusting slimeballs. Even if you found the most disgusting woman on earf - I could probably find 5 guys that would offer to buy her a drink and ask me to play wing-man.

Because guys are slimeballs.

Enter eHarmony.

You could put up a picture of the Hamburglar and still get offered dinner. Sure, the guy may not have left his basement in 12 years and there is a 37% chance he is a serial killer - but free blooming onions!

Women are using eHarmony completely wrong. They are trying to find love and nice guys - when really they should be looking at it as a coupon for free dinner.

If women are worried the guy will ask to split the bill? Just say something to make the guy think he has a chance of some post-game celebrations. Like, "I'd love to see your comic book collection" or "Pass the salt, please". Whatever, when I was single a girl could scratch her nose and I would think she was hitting on me. Guys treat flirting like a silent auction - any sudden movement is a bid - a bid, for love.

And if I were a woman I would eat that shit up, literally. Besides, the Hamburglar is kinda cute.


Moooooog35 said...

Little known fact:

The 'e' in 'eHarmony' is for 'ex-con.'

Fizzgig said...

hey i have said this all along. my sister keeps dating creeps online, but getting nothing out of it.

at least go to dinner! think of all the money youll save! fo realz!

Idea #527 said...

Ummm. . . just so you know, last year I went on 3 different dates where NONE of the guys paid for my meal. They weren't through eHarmony, but were set ups but still.

Sadly, I always do the let me grab the purse when the bill comes, but if the guy doesn't pay, that's a loss in points for sure!

I think this stems from the fact my own father said the guy should always pay on the first date. I think some guys forget about the whole "Gentleman" thing nowadays.

even pretty girls need to read said...

My tagline: date me, I'm hungry

Banana Queen said...

Naaah I get my free meals off of Craigslist Casual Encounters.

Okay, they're not "free" in the most technical sense.

lacochran's evil twin said...

Oh god! I scratched my nose when I was talking to my uncle!

On the plus side... mmmmmMMM... bloomin' onions!

And, with the global interconnectedness of all things... the wv is sespl.

Anonymous said...