Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Surprise Attack

I have stumbled on quite the discovery. A scientific development unlike any seen before! Or maybe just a plot for another romantic comedy. Quick, someone call Katherine Heigl.

Now that I have been married for a week and a half I have it ALLLLLL figured out.

There was a shift in power.

A shift of power in her favor, of course. And not necessarily a concious one on her behalf. It is less about her gaining power, and more about me losing power. And pride, but that is another post.

You see - I've lost the element of surprise.

When you are dating - the girl is constantly looking for that ring. If you are walking in the park and bend down to tie your shoe she gets tears in her eyes. Order champaigne for the two of you on a fancy date and she'll pour the whole glass on the floor looking for a ring like it is a box of Cracker Jacks (which is ridiculous - her ring isn't worth nearly as much as a box of Cracker Jacks).

And when you ARE engaged - you get to play tough guy about the wedding. She wants chair covers and a live band and a pack of unicorns? Too bad, honey - I say two unicorns, MAX!

But after the wedding - she has already gotten everything she wanted. There is no ring, no wedding - just a shell of a man who is folding laundry while watching The Walking Dead. It is like I've become an antique - I swear I saw her trying to sell me on eBay the other day.

So I've got an idea. Not to get all Obama on you, but we gotta spend our way outta this mess. I think men should institute a re-engagement ring.

Think about it - sure it is going to cost a pretty penny - but it leaves her on pins and needles for the entire marriage!!! It is like when you were 9 and suddenly became the most well-behaved kid on earf as soon as November hit because you wanted to fool Santa. And apparently putting roofies in the milk you left out so you could get ALL the toys in his sled is frowned upon (sorry, Mom.)

And if the re-engagement ring doesn't work? We can always fall back on the roofies. Hey, it worked on Santa.


stealthnerd said...

Congrats on tying the knot...and sorry about that loss of power. But I think you could get all of woman-kind on your side with this re-engagement ring idea. Seriously...the ladies loooove jewelry.

Jez said...

Dude. Glad you're back. I totally dig that Walking Dead show. I love watching it On Demand the day after, so I can fast forward past any part that might catch me off guard watching it at regular speed.

lacochran's evil twin said...

The diamond people are way ahead of you.

There's the eternity ring (diamonds all around implying never ending love), the three stone anniversary ring (for past, present and future), and on and on. And, really, why stop at rings? Earrings, pendants, bracelets... there's so much for you to spend your money on. Of course, it won't reinstate any power but it'll make you look less jerky to the in-laws.

Welcome back. :)

Suburban Sweetheart said...

What about babies? And things like new houses? Women always want something. REMAIN IN CONTROL.

Fizzgig said...

anything that means you get more jewelry is a great idea!

and the walking dead....LOVE!