Monday, March 21, 2011

Hayride to Heaven

City kids love to make jokes at we rednecks' expense.

The talky-box makes us look like a buncha unlearned heathens that stumble in the city limits and look more confused than a three legged mule tryin' to do the two-step.

But I see it the other way.

I grew up in the country and seem to have mastered most of what it takes to live in the city; I can handle rush-hour traffic, eat sushi and know how to pronounce 'duvet'.

If I ever learn how to order a drink at Starbucks I'd get my official Metro-Sexual Badge.

But throw a city kid in the country and they are lost.

Case in point: my wife thought small towns just had hayrides all the time. Like it was some sort of redneck transportation system or a daily parade. As if farmers worked all spring and summer to grow the perfect crop of hay so that people can sit on it and ride around on a wagon all day.

And beyond public transportation, there is the threat of boredom. City kids will be driving home from the mall to change on their way to a baseball game before going to the movies and complain about being bored. Guess what - in the country there is literally nothing to do. Your choices are drink until you fall down or...well I guess I never thought about it long enough to find another option, so they're stuck with the drinking.

But there are SOME skills that translate. After a long night of hayrides and drinking beer, when I'm fighting through that hangover and need caffeine, it'll be GREAT to have someone around that knows how to order Starbucks.


Scratch the hostile fay said...

SILLY man!

There's plenty to do out in the country besides hayrides and beer!

.....There's also huntin', burpin'( from the beer), scratchin', and farmin'!!

You have to make up your own things to do out here.

--Scratch (who literally lives in the middle of nowhere)

PomJob said...

Country kids gone urban represent! I love the picture your wife painted of hayrides for everyone. Wouldn't that be awesome? Forget the bus, I'm taking the hay wagon.

And you're right, there's nothing to do but we always managed to do something. Our something never included alcohol though...

Narm said...

I forgot to mention that my wife also assumed all hayrides included balloons. I'm still waiting on an explanation of why.

laughingmom said...

No hayrides, hunh?...Does that mean on a trip the whole family just shares the tractor seat?

Chris said...

Totally agree, and think this phenomena was captured in a classic piece of literature by the name of "City Mouse visits Country Mouse" (recommended ages 5-8).

As a Country Mouse myself, I've learned what's needed to survive the urban world, but never seem to avoid slanderous remarks from my City Mouse friends. But I'd sure like to see them navigate a country fair, rig a piece of live bait or use a 12-pack of Blatz to pass the time (okay, they might be able to figure out the third, but not without griping of boredom).

Gilahi said...

Yeah, once that '67 Ford Fairlane is up on blocks in the front yard, you're pretty much done with all the activities that are offered.

Moooooog35 said...

This is like the book 'City Mouse, Country Mouse' except without mice and with more drunk people.

Anonymous said...

If you weren't a redneck the first sentence of your post would be grammatically incorrect. As such, never mind. Large Louie

Idea #527 said...

I grew up in a small town (4,000 peeps) south of Chicago. My parents both grew up on farms though in Iowa. When I went to college my Chicago friends came home with a few times and one actually thought that the corn being grown was what we ate in the stores. I almost died laughing.

We went to Chicago all the time growing up and I was surprised to learn that one of the guys I dated, who grew up in the City, had never been to some of the museums and festivals! I was an hour and a half away and experienced more of his hometown than he had!

Lacey said...

have any of you country mouses ever taken your city friends 'snipe' hunting? lol, good times. i grew up in a town of about 80 and we used to take visiting cousins and such on snipe hunts. it was only entertainment; otherwise we were just drunk all the time.