Monday, May 3, 2010

Aim For The Head

I suck at a lot of things.

Sports, math, forming sentences, walking, not having chiseled abs and a million dollar face -

But perhaps nothing more than having an opinion.

You can pretty much talk me into anything. Or win any fight. Because I simply don't care.

There are much better ways to spend my time than talking at someone who is simply waiting for their turn to talk. This may seem mean-spirited now, but when the eventual zombie apocalypse happens, you'll be glad I've identified all the exits and most useful blunt objects.

So when someone tries to make plans - I analyze if there is A) beer and B) a tv with the game. If so? I'm in.

But my entire world has come crashing down.

Why?

Because I decided to get married.

Now? Now I have to have an opinion about EVERYTHING. Stuff I didn't even know existed is now the most important thing ever.

I thought I just bought the ring and then woke up married one day. Like there was a wedding fairy. When I discovered that couldn't happen I tried to take matter into my own hands and the "wedding fairy" turned into "whiskey" - but even that hasn't saved me.

So come my wedding day, I will know all about the flowers, the invitations, the center pieces, which readings at the mass, what song we are going to dance to, when we cut the cake...

...and where to fortify the doors and what decorations could be turned into a weapon in a zombie war.

I'm not taking any chances.

29 comments:

Ben said...

Zombie themed wedding would be awesome.

Sharon said...

I vote for elopement. Las Vegas is nice this time of year.

Moooooog35 said...

Actually, there IS a wedding fairy.

His name is Lucifer and he wants your soul.

lbluca77 said...

So basically you are JLo in the Wedding Planner?

saratogajean said...

Just because it's your wedding day, that doesn't mean you let your guard down.

I, for one, appreciate your dedication to the safety of your friends and family.

Daisee579 said...

Please tell me you've seen Zombieland. Cuz it could happen. Nice to know someone is prepared.

Denise said...

this is why, if I ever do find someone to wed, I'll do it someplace far away, so no one can afford to come and it's not that important if the plates match my underwear when no one but me is eeating off of it. The plates, not my underwear.

Bite Buff said...

Ha, this post is hysterical. I'm an event planner, so when it is my time...the groom better steer clear of the plans! I'm pretty sure that he'll be ok with that. My bf is very similar to how you described yourself. But who knows, maybe there is a groomzilla lurking inside of him.

Jez said...

1) I know you're just complaining, and don't get me wrong, I love my wife and kids, but if I had to do it all over again, I think I'd just deal with the loneliness. Although I have to admit my abode is much cleaner now. No more fleas.

2) As long as you're having an opinion, ask for a groom's cake, and keep bringing the conversation back around to it: "I'd prefer the floral pattern, but if you insist on the white china, I just want to make sure you know how a CHOCOLATE GROOM'S CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING is going to look on that."

Also, get the shrimp with the pea pod wrap as an appetizer. Especially since shi

Jez said...

...especially since shrimp proces are going to go through the roof with the oil spill in the gulf. Fucking BP.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

are wooden stakes going to be worked into the centerpieces?

ArghZombies said...

It's good to see you're getting involved.
Imagine - on the day, you impress your bride by telling her you just love the amaryllis in her bouquet.

And now imagine you impress your bride by beating a zombie away with said bouquet. Although the amaryllis isn't an ideal flower for that kind of activity - I'd go for a caribea heliconia, or at least a sunflower.

saratogajean said...

P.S. - just saw this and thought of you. Perfect for the tables at your wedding reception.

Table/zombie defense two-fer!

LiLu said...

I can promise you a zombie war, if it'll make you feel better for going to the trouble.

What?

Just said...

A wedding is not a great venue for a zombie attack. Speaking from my own experience of elderly relatives dancing, there might be a sticky moment when you think the Mother of the Bride is contaminated, only to end up in the doghouse when it turns out you koshed her during her rendition of the funky chicken...

Elisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elisa said...

whoops made a (sp) mistake....anyways, I just like to comment on how much I like your style of writing...it seems real and genuine...and comical in a dry sarcastic kinda way

Jaky Astik said...

So do I. Nice blog by the way.

Fizzgig said...

first time....go big! You wont know how much time, energy and money it wastes unless it goes south and I for one am not wishing that on anyone..

One should always have an "out" n case of a zombie war. smart guy!

The Mad Scorpion said...

You should always have an Out. Not just for Zombies, but also for Marriage, which in itself is a brain-and-soul sucking entity... One you willingly handed your balls to on a plate...
CONGRATS!!!

DeeDee1Whoa said...

Hey there, please follow me over Google! I'll return the favor. Thanks! http://deedee1whoa.blogspot.com/

Allison M. said...

you and freaking zombies. it always goes back to them

mr. overly competitive said...

Wait, so Whiskey doesn't equal wedding fairy . . . .well, back to the drarring board. Do you think that's worthy of a post on fmylife.com?

kitty<3 said...

I just stumbled across your blog and read this post. It is HILARIOUS!!! XD

fencer_22 said...

please tell me you have read World War Z wait screw that even if you don't read read World War Z

Anonymous said...

Welcome to Christianlouboutinmy.com,the summer is coming,what are you waiting for,just come and go shopping,here are our featured and best-seller christian louboutin products:chanel shoes chanel shoes jimmy choo jimmy choo manolo blahnik manolo blahnik louis vuitton shoes louis vuitton shoes Tory Burch Shoes and so on.

BelleDame said...

If I were you, I'd just smile and nod. Like J.Lo says on the "Wedding Planner", "most grooms are n.i.d... not into details". That quote is so true. Most men don't care about the details of a wedding. Just show up, look handsome and she'll figure out the rest.

LV bags said...

www.burberrylines.com

Burberry bags
www.championsuit.com

nba jerseys
www.fendishopping.com

Fendi handbags
www.mymiumiubag.com

MIU MIU handags
www.fendiol.com

Fendi handbags
www.myladyitem.com

louis vuitton bags
www.desirebrandwallet.com

louis vuitton handbag
www.charmingladyitems.com

louis vuitton bag
www.ladysbag.com

louis vuitton handbags
www.apparelofsports.com

NBA Jersey

LV bags said...

www.burberrylines.com

Burberry bags
www.championsuit.com

nba jerseys
www.fendishopping.com

Fendi handbags
www.mymiumiubag.com

MIU MIU handags
www.fendiol.com

Fendi handbags
www.myladyitem.com

louis vuitton bags
www.desirebrandwallet.com

louis vuitton handbag
www.charmingladyitems.com

louis vuitton bag
www.ladysbag.com

louis vuitton handbags
www.apparelofsports.com

NBA Jersey