Wednesday, May 19, 2010

LeBron Phone Home

As Cleveland's second most famous celebrity (behind Alexa), a lot of people want to ask me about LeBron James.

Listen, I don't know where he is going to play next year.

Because I haven't decided yet.

There are so many options! Obviously, LeBron doesn't want to go and make a decision before consulting me. Wherever he goes, I'm sure I'll take a lot of vacations to come see Bron play, so I need to make a good choice.

There's Los Angeles, but they film all those shitty MTV reality shows like The Hills out there, and it would totally ruin my street cred to have LC rubbing up on me at some club. I'm a taken man, LC - get over it and move on. I'm not just a piece of meat.

Another option is New Jersey - but take everything I said above and replace the word "LC" with "Snooki".

New York is another option, and while it would be great to hang out with Chris, there are way too many people there. I hate walking through crowds as it is. I picture walking through the streets of New York like living in the crowd at a sporting event. Like I just want some fucking peanuts but I'm in line behind the asshole who ordered 12 hamburgers. Oh great, I just missed a homerun.

Finally, Chicago would be a nice vacation home. But the other famous people from Chicago are Oprah and Obama. My name starts with N so I would be superior to them by one entire letter. Can you imagine the jealousy? What if we were in line in gym class and they said "Alright, last names A-N on one team and O-Z on the other team." Man would Oprah be pissed.

So really that just leaves Cleveland. It only makes sense. Cleveland has everything LeBron and I could ever ask for - small crowds, great restaurants and I just put in a nice little patio behind my house for he and I to drink lemonade.

Yeah, life is good for LeBron and I - so I think we'll just stay put here on the Cuyahoga River.

I just don't know how I'm going to tell Oprah

12 comments:

Moooooog35 said...

Oh..that's right. They lost to our Celtics.

Thanks for reminding me. Nearly forgot.

Page Seven said...

Just let me come over every once in awhile for some lemonade and gossip and we'll call it even.

amin.org.uk said...

Page seven *lamo*

Hex said...

Trade him to the Broncos for Tebow. Get that tragedy off my team, stat!

Rahul said...

I can't believe Drew Caray has not been consulted on this.

Matt said...

Dude, that Tebow trade sounds amazing...

Think about it.

Jez said...

Yeah, Mooooog, your Celtics sure are tearing it up. I'm actually hoping for BOSTON EPIC FAIL #3 of the sports year, because the first two were so sweet. You may not remember, so let me recap:

1) Tom Brady and the Patriots completely falling apart in the first round of the playoffs. That game was so sweet, I didn't even have to ask for extra sauce on my ribs.

2) Bruins up 3 games to none against the Flyers. In game 7, they're up 3-0 and then piss it down their leg.

So, you know, these things usually come in "threes".

I just wanted to remind you, in case you forgot. Also, how are those Red Sox doing?

"NO ONE UNDERSTANDS OWAH SUFFERING!"

Jez said...

You know I don't even care about NBA basketball, but I want him to come to the Bulls because Chicago is the greatest city this nation has to offer.

*in Boston accent:

"NO ONE DENIES THIS!"

Fizzgig said...

if lebron leaves, who are they going to paint on that giant building? We could get a group together like on 90210 senior year, and replace it with a homeade banner of our choosing like when they covered the hollywood sign.

I vote for the Lost cast. But thats just me.

Kelly said...

I'll say hello to him for you when he settles in here.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i'm glad that you know my importance to the city of cleveland.

don't worry, i'm not going anywhere.

Alee said...

lol @ the title of this blog.

aleesperspective.blogspot.com