Wednesday, October 5, 2011


A theme of this blog over the years has been 'growing up'.

From buying a house, to getting married, to no longer drinking until I strip down to my boxers and sing Eddie Money songs.

But I'm starting to think I haven't actually 'grown up'...

...I've just turned into an asshole.

I bought a house - was it because I wanted a sound financial investment and a place to start a family?

No, it was because I hate people and living in a large box stacked on top of them is about as much fun as watching Whitney.  Not that I don't miss "Creepy Drug Dealer Guy" and "Awkwardly Loud Sex Girl" as my neighbors, but I don't miss them as my neighbors.

Then I got married.

Was it because I found my soul-mate?  Someone I couldn't live without?  Yeah.  But also because dating is the single worst thing in the world. Dating is a mix of acting and negotiating - how much of yourself can you reveal and in what ways can you steer the relationship in your favor.  Marriage is awesome - it's like - hey, I'm home and I'm going to leave my shoes right there in that spot you hate even though you complain about it everyday.  Have fun leaving toothpaste all over the sink later, because you know that shit drives me nuts.

And once you are married, the bars are useless.

Sure, I used to enjoy going out and spending $75 on liquor and being butts to nuts with 200 other sweaty people I don't like for 6 hours, but you know what?  Fuck those people.  Bars are all about team work - it is only fun if everyone pitches in to make it fun.  But $75 will buy me a damn nice dinner and I'm selfish as hell. 

Besides - I can't find a bar with Eddie Money on the jukebox.


Moooooog35 said...

If you miss it, just get divorced. Things go back to normal.

You lose the house. You have to pay alimony or child support. You end up in an apartment. You start dating but the people you are dating are old and mostly insane because they're divorced, too, or unstable. Or both.

The only problem is that you have less hair and less money.

You might want to stay married. Helpful tip. You're welcome.

ClevelandPoet said...

if you want the missus and I can have loud sex outside your house sometimes. I'm nice like that.

I'm a giver.

Oh man I haven't been single in 14 years and the thought of dating again makes me want to hide in a hole somewhere.

These days we only go drinking at one place where generally what we drink is being poured by the bartender before we sit down.

ah apartment neighbors are 1 part entertaining and 1 part special kind of hell.

Ashley said...

I couldn't agree more about the marriage part. Seriously, dating is the worst. The. Worst.

Jez said...

I went out to a local bar last March when the wife and kids were out of town, and it SUCKED. Took forever to get a beer, it was loud. If you wanted to talk to someone (I was there wit friends), you had to yell.

No sir, if I could just get the wife to stop bitching every time I want to make 5 gallons of beer, life would be perfect. Having 4 taps in the basement and an iPod full of 8000+ songs pretty much rocks.

Allison M. said...

I heart Eddie Money. Karaoke party?

Anonymous said...

I don't want to talk you out of thinking you might be an asshole but what are you thinking makes you an asshole? Some self indulgence or just not liking dating, bars and apartment living?.... And Jez, make 10 gallons of beer at a time. Virtually the same amount of work and half the bitching. Large Louie

Narm said...

@Moooooog35 - You're like a modern day Confucius

@ClevelandPoet - That'd be a lot easier than me having to hide outside your house to listen, like I have been doing.

@Ashley - Dating should be illegal

@Jez - That was a point I forgot to make - I go to bars to be with my friends, not make new ones. Why go to a bar where I can't hear them and be around people I don't like?

@Allison - I do a mean "Shakin'"

@Anonymous - I have plenty of reasons for being an asshole - but mostly because I don't like any situation where I'm around more than 10 people. We're a species that gets dumber as we gather.