Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Pumpkin Patch

I'll admit it.  I'm a sucker for the American Dream.

I've been in my house for over two years now, and I still get excited when I have "Homeowner Moments".  When a girl scout tries to sell me some cookies.  When I shovel my neighbors' sidewalks.  When the faucet breaks and I have to go all Manly Man trying to fix it.  And then I have to go all Unmanly Man trying to re-fix it after I screwed it up the first time.

I soak that shit up.  I'm addicted to it.  I need little American Dreams Patches that help ease my cravings to edge my lawn and blow leaves into the neighbors' yard.

So when I carved a pumpkin and put it on my doorstep, I was having a little Amerigasm.

But not just at the idea of carving a pumpkin and putting it on my front step for all the little trick'or'treaters to see.

No, I thought it would be my initiation into the neighborhood.

I placed it right out on my doorstep, where anyone between the ages of 13-17 couldn't help but pick it up and smash it.  They probably wouldn't even realize it happened.  They'd just be walking by, black out for a few seconds, and wake up covered in pumpkin organs and Fourloko.

Every morning I ran outside, like it was Christmas or Easter, hoping that the Pumpkin Fairy had barfed up pumpkin guts all over my very manicured sidewalk.

So this morning I walked out my front door, saw the pumpkin perched up like some sort of vegetable royalty and walked to my truck to leave for work.

And that's when I noticed someone had egged my truck.

Finally, my Dreams had come true.


Moooooog35 said...

Just wait til the flaming bag of dogshit on your stoop.

Magical, my friend. Stinky, but magical.

Allison M. said...


who eggs anymore? It's like toilet papering.

lacochran's evil twin said...

Is your pumpkin eating cheese doodles?


Fizzgig said...

Well that really sucks but at least it was eggs and not the pumkin thru your windshield!

I'm scared to death of my egg karma, I egged a few peoples houses in my day. In the heat of summer, and I still cringe when I remember waking up to a 90 degree day and laughing at the cooked eggs on their houses. I know its coming back on me. some day!