My wedding was the most exciting day of my life.
(Did my wife stop reading, yet? Yes? Ok, let's do this.)
Yesterday was the most exciting day of my entire life.
There was a MONKEY with HERPES loose IN OHIO.
If you were to make a Venn diagram of how the zombie apocalypse was going to start, a herpe'd up monkey on the loose in rural Ohio would have been where all the awesome intersected.
I mean, Swine Flu was nothing but a tease and the nuclear reactor meltdown in Japan was more likely to make a race of Japanese Superheroes than zombies.
This was our big chance. All we needed was some stupid civilian to try to give that thing a banana and suddenly I'd be bashing in zombie skulls with a cricket bat.
But then news broke that the monkey was eaten by a Bengal tiger. At first I was disappointed until I realized...
...ZOMBIE BENGAL TIGERS!!!
Holy hell! What on earf could stop a ZOMBIE BENGAL TIGER!!!? It is the perfect killing machine. ZOMBIE BENGAL TIGERS!!! are like the physical incarnation of a Slash guitar solo. But with stripes.
But, then the ZOMBIE BENGAL TIGER!!! was killed and I was forced to face reality - the zombie apocalypse is dead - and not the kind of dead where it reanimates and tries to eat my brain.
Nope. It was shovel-to-the-head-dead.
And all we're left with are Mutant Japanese Super Heroes.