Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Phone Calls - a Comparison

A guy phone call:

Intro – A “hello” followed by a question for which an answer is not expected, “What’s up?”, for example. At least one nickname must be exchanged.

Body of the call – This section goes in two directions. 1) Asking a question or getting an opinion about an important problem. 2) Telling a funny story. This portion of the call cannot, and will not, last more than 3 minutes. Also guys can usually get the WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, WHY and SO WHAT of a call out of the way in under 2 minutes.

Normally at least one insult is exchanged DURING the call.

Joke – every call between guys will have one hilarious moment. If there has already been a hilarious moment, at least one semi-funny joke must be shared before…

The Exit – One word – “Later” works.

Total: Under five minutes. At all costs. If the male is in a car with other passengers, the call will not last over two minutes for fear of castration.

A female phone call:

Intro – A greeting immediately followed by a sentence that constantly gets higher in pitch. This flows straight into a twenty second period of both parties talking at the same time followed by laughter.

Disbelief – One side will tell a story the other side couldn’t possibly believe. “Oh my god, no she didn’t!”

Random Stories – I usually get confused and disoriented during this portion. I know there is normally two strings of conversation going at once and they somehow meet in laughter. It is like an episode of Seinfeld where each person has their own storyline going and somehow they intersect.

Apologizing - Before hanging up both sides apologize for not hanging out more and talk about how much they miss each other. They then make plans to not follow through on the plans they just made with each other.

Exit - Normally flirted with a few times throughout conversation - average time before first attempted exit and actual end of call is 7 minutes.

Insults are not exchanged until after the call.

Total: No man has ever paid attention long enough to get a final time - but rumors have been floating around that the average call is in excess of 28 minutes.

Like pop rocks and coke, me and sports or men and spandex, guys and gals simply don’t mix in phone conversations. It may have to do with guy’s short attention spans, it may have to do with the ladies’ ability to speak for 20 minutes without taking a breath, or maybe the way we look at phone conversations.

As a guy – I treat the phone as an accessory activity. I am not just talking on the phone; I am talking on the phone while I watch tv, shave, read the paper or take a nap. When guys talk we get the details out, “Hey – we are heading to the bar at 9 for the game.” Bar. 9. Game. CHECK.

Women seem to think of talking on the phone as a sole activity – not to be interrupted by other tasks. It is also a treasure hunt to find the important information in the conversation. Example: “I talked to Sandy and she said that she wanted to go with us to the bar but she had to get her hair done first – so I think I will go out to eat with Michelle and then meet up with Sandy when she gets done. I don’t want to drive because then I can’t drink but I know Michelle has a small car and is really weird about parking it downtown, so I KNOW I will end up driving. Ugh. But our reservations are at 7 and it should only take an hour and a half, then it will take me 15 minutes to pick up Sandy and at least 15 minutes to get all the way back across town to get to the bar. I don’t even know why we are going to that bar, I don’t really care about the game and its always so crowded, plus the music is SO loud. But whatever.”

I shouldn’t have to do math to figure out estimated bar arrival time.

Now I am not stupid. Ok I am stupid, but I still have figured out a FEW tricks. The reason some of you ladies talk so much is because you know that after 10-15 minutes you can lull us into an honesty sleep. It is the same as when you wait till we are JUST about asleep and ask important relationship questions. I have already started dreaming about zombies and – I have no strength to give the proper answer. So after a long convo on the phone you can slip in a quick question that the guy will answer without thinking. Sneaky. Very sneaky. Guys have no defense, and don’t have a long enough attention span to try the same trick back. It is flawless and genius. Bravo ladies.

Also, guys are always multi-tasking on the phone. It is better to just not ask what we are up to because you don’t want to know. If you hear a toilet flush – don’t ask questions. It’s better for everyone. Video phones will never fully take over because guys will never accept having to be acceptable on the phone.

Another point about guys. We are assholes. All of us – you know that one friend who is so nice and is always there for you? Nope. Still an asshole. In that respect, we assume girls call because they need to talk. Most guys will gladly sit on the phone and listen as long as there is no test at the end. Guys figure that talking on the phone is just something girls have to do – much in the same way guys have a natural instinct to burn things and high-five. So when a conversation starts to get long in the tooth – guys tune out and assume the girl will stop when she gets her fill. When we are quizzed about the conversation later, all we can think about is how we were watching SportsCenter and how bald Scott Van pelt is. Don’t feel insulted ladies, we thought we were doing a nice thing – and you have been around us long enough to know that we aren’t listening past 5 minutes.

Any additions that I missed – I know this is a touchy subject with guys – and one that we don’t normally get to vent about. So, fellas, if there is anything I missed please let me know.

PS - Special Thanks to Jason on this one - he helped add fuel to the fire and get me over the writer's block.


Momo said...

I'm dying. This is hilarious, and so true! Awesome post, Nom. :)

And I know for a fact that one of my guy friends flushes almost every time we're on the phone. It consoles me somewhat that he's usually the one who calls ME to vent, not the other way around...

Amanda McCoy said...

Jeff, your example of a "female conversation" is pretty stereotypical. You know I'm the one who always fights for girls like me who don't fall neatly into these kind of female cliches. If this is the kind of female behavior that you encounter on a daily basis, has it occurred to you that maybe you need to find some new girls to hang out with????

Allison M. said...

Are you listening to my conversations with my friends? I was laughing out loud because my friends and I do that all the time. We have a friend who never wants to drive because she can't get drunk and yes...we do plan accordingly. Don't hate on girls who have back-up plans.

Narm said...

Momo - bad news. He's poopin.

Amanda - I definitely base most of these rants on stereotypes, guilty. However, I don't think I was overly harsh to women in this one - I took a few jabs at the fellas as well. As for finding new girls - no argument here, but I think my frustration with the process was well documented in this blog. PS - didn't you have a post about women's love for talking?

Allison - I swear I have heard versions of that convo a million times! And I appreciate the back-up plan. A guy's plan is based solely around who has done the least amount of shots.

Mandy said...

In response to your P.S. comment, yes, I did write a SHORT blog on the notion that women talk too much. No direct relation though. My blog states nothing about women babbling incoherently on the phone and nothing about the female race's inability to have a concise phone conversation. With that said, I'll rest this topic at the fear of saying too much.