Tuesday, November 6, 2007

This Week In Crazy (The Herd Edition)

As has been well documented, I think girls are bat-shit crazy. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as I am extremely attracted to crazy. I realize that this simple fact more or less makes me insane as well, and that’s fine, no one is arguing with you there, Reader.

But back on topic – crazy girls. This week’s Look At Crazy involves something I am very familiar with – the bar scene. Now I’ve been known to stumble into a bar now and again, and invariably, after a few beers, I end up talking to pretty girls. It is here that I noticed the difference between groups of guys, and groups of girls.

When I am at the bar with my friends and a cute girl comes to talk to one of my buddies, I will do ANYTHING it takes to help my buddy out. If he needs a few bucks to buy her a beer – no problem; wing-man on a fatty – it’s cool, I’m desperate; cut off a limb as part of a crazy magic trick to impress her – that’s gonna take some tequila, but I’m in. When a girl makes a big enough mistake to talk to myself or one of my buddies, we are going to make sure conditions are perfect for the lucky fella. Sure, the girl may not be as cute as a friend would normally go after, and maybe not quite as skinny, and maybe he has so much whiskey in him we had to hang the back of his shirt on the coat rack just to get him to stay upright – but it is his mistake to make, and I’m going to let him make it.

Do girls feel this camaraderie? This “all for one, and one for all” attitude? Oh, hell no (I just did the neck thing and snapped my fingers three times).

Cracking a group of girls is harder than escaping Alcatraz. I actually bring a #2 pencil to the bars because passing the “friend test” is harder than the goddamn ACT. I now realize what a poodle-schnitzer (or whatever those dumbass dogs are) that prance around at dog shows feel like. Before talking to a girl sometimes I jump over small obstacles and let her friends check my teeth and haunches to make sure I have approval to talk to her.

But why is this? Why don’t girls trust their friend’s judgment? I understand there are a TON of sleezeballs out there, really, I do. As a guy, I know all the moves, and I see them being implemented CONSTANTLY (how girls don’t see this still confuses me – perhaps a future post). But does this mean that you need to form an impregnable wall (make your own joke here, Reader) around your friend? Can’t you trust her judgment in guys?

Guys have exit strategies (ever hear of that Pres. Bush? (whoa was that a political joke???)). If a girl is getting clingy or trying to talk about Grey’s Anatomy, we all have signs to make our buddies get out of the situation. You either shoot him a look, or a text or smoke signals if it comes down to it. It isn’t that hard. I have gotten “the sign” and literally thrown a buddy over my shoulder and carried him away. Why do girls have to have a pre-emptive strike against potential suitors?

I don’t think it would be as frustrating if girls didn’t complain so much about how, “I never meet any nice guys” and “When I go to the bar, nobody ever comes up and talks to me – I swear”. Wanna know why? Because I would rather smash my hand in a car door than walk up to a group of girls and get the usual run-around of fake names and snide remarks. I get it, you are trying to protect your friend, how nice. At what point are you just sabotaging your friend?

My guy friends are (arguably) grown-ups. They can make decisions for themselves, and I trust that they know what they are doing (even when I am confident they don’t know what they are doing). Where is this trust in girls? Even if I am at a bar with girls and a guy comes up to talk to them, I don’t interfere until I get a sign that I need to step in.

This is the 90’s people, the opposite sex does not have cooties (wait – do herpes count as cooties?).


Claire said...

If a girl is a baller, and she sees you looking at her (which is the precursor to you stepping up to the bar with group of friends) she will find a way to get away from her friends (such as getting more drinks, going to the bathroom, doing a 'lap', etc) for a moment so you can spit your game to her on a one-on-one basis, thereby bypassing the friends.

Momo said...

Nom, are you roid raging too?!

I will admit to having close girl friends who act the way you describe, especially when we were in college. To their defense, there are a lot of really unrelenting and obnoxious guys who don't know when to walk away. To your defense, you're not one of them. Persevere. The smart girls won't find excuses to leave, they'll find excuses to stay.

Allison M. said...

I agree with momo. Girls are constantly approached by old and creepy guys. I don't think guys fully understand how it is for girls to deal with sleazy guys. I get it. It takes a lot of balls to approach a group of girls to talk to one of their friends because we will whisper, look you up and down and demand you buy the whole group shots. However, the losers/creepos give the rest of you a bad name.

Hot Coffee Girl said...

I'm with Claire. Or maybe they're just not that into you. Kidding.

Really. Are you still trying to figure out the bar scene?! So five minutes ago.

Narm said...

Claire - the divide and conquer method is definitely the way to go - but that won't stop me from complaining about it.

Momo and Allison - I realize there are a lot of creeps out there. Thats why you find a good way to get OUT of the conversation - not avoid it completely.

HCG - 5 minutes ago would be closer to being cool than I have managed to get my whole life! Thanks for the compliment!