Very rarely in life do you find yourself in need of a rescue. I don't know if girls actually have those fantasies where a guy tosses away a flaming beam and scoops her in his arms and brings to from a burning house to safety, but as a guy, I prefer to never be in need of rescue (unless it is from being parched - beer please!).
That brings us to last Friday.
The night began simple enough - roommate and I made the ten foot trek to the apartment next to ours with a twelve pack ready for the normal shenanigans. Six beers and twelve arguments about Brady Quinn later, the group heads for the door with visions of bad decisions dancing in their heads. Little did we know, what had began as a manly event would end like so many romantic novels.
There were 14 of us that night, Reader, thirteen of us carrying a Y chromosome and one brave female. We entered that elevator young and careless, laughing at the weight limit. "Maximum Occupants: 15?" we laughed, "There are only 14 of us! Surely we will be fine!" Ah yes, sure we would, we could have ridden that elevator the two floors necessary and been off to the bars in no time. But then someone yelled, "JUMP!"
I don't know who jumped. In the hustle and commotion it could have been anyone. It is a bit hazy now and I don't want to point fingers, but I know that six people jumped, and your Humble Narrator could be part of group.
Of course the elevator immediately stopped.
The fourteen of us, butts to nuts, immediately laugh. As I mentioned, I am six beers deep and this is pretty funny. Five minutes pass. Ten minutes pass. Finally a crackling voice across the intercom system. In our hurricane of dirty stories and bad jokes, we delegate one person to be responsible for all outside conversation.
Us: Hi - we're stuck in the elevator - can you get us out?
Voice: I've called maintenance. They will be there in an hour.
Us: An HOUR?
Voice: He lives far away.
Us: Thats convenient.
Voice: Can I disconnect now?
Us: We're stuck in an elevator - don't you think you could stay on the line and keep us updated?
Voice: I understand sir and I will be sure to give you more information as I receive it but I need to disconnect.
Us: What else could you POSSIBLY be doing? There are like 20 people that live in this building.
(I have to interject here. We assume this lady is sitting in the office of the apartment talking to us. Maybe I am wrong, but I just assume the intercom was linked to the individual apartment. Then she dropped this bomb on us.)
Voice: Sir, I'm not even in OHIO.
Fucking great, Voice. No one on earth knows there are 14 people trapped in an elevator except Voice, the slightly annoyed person in Connecticut. And just when things couldn't look any worse, I've gotta piss.
Don't blame me, Reader, I'm six beers deep and I didn't PLAN on being trapped in a confined space with 13 other people. Of course, being guys, we immediately decide who we will eat first (which only took a few seconds). The argument over which corner will be the dedicated bathroom corner, however, waged for several minutes. I know, this is disgusting, but we were in survival mode here people - I've watched enough Survivor Man and Man vs Wild to be prepared for this situation.
After being stuck for about 45 minutes we decide to give Voice another try.
Us: Any word on maintenance?
Voice: He will be there in an hour
Us: You said an hour a half hour ago!
Voice: He will be there as soon as possible.
Us: We're eating each other in here!
So we swallow our pride and call 911. A half hour passes and we begin to hear banging against the door. Before we could cheer, however, someone from the outside yells, "I've got the axe lodged in the door!" Wait, what? An axe? I can't exactly move away from the door to get out of the "Axe Swinging Zone". I want to get out of this elevator but doing so with an axe in my chest doesn't sound so appealing. At least in here I get to eat some delicious human before I die (I'm kidding, human is tough and kinda stringy).
Another 15 minutes pass and finally they popped the door open. Somehow we were in between the 2nd and 3rd floors so we had to crawl underneath and jump down to the 2nd. We immediately pour into the streets and relieve ourselves against the wall of the building. The firefighters just stood and laughed at us - thank god. After finally letting the lizard drain I turn to notice that there are TWO firetrucks there. What were these firetrucks going to do? Was it REALLY necessary for there to be two? If the elevator broke and we plummeted to our death was that second firetruck going to be more useful than say...an ambulance?
In the end I was rescued by a group of firefighters. How romantic. I gotta say it isn't really like the movies either. Except the mustaches - still lots of mustaches.
And while I wasn't overly happy with using the Aerosmith reference in the title, I guess it is better than having to use, "Dude Looks Like A Lady".