Sometimes I let the constant stream of supermodels and product endorsements get to my head. Sometimes I may, possibly, become a little full of myself when Becks calls me for fashion advice. Often, I forget that I am not actually some higher being, and that I am, in fact, just an everyday guy.
Of course I am kidding. I try to tag along with the cool crowds but am always exposed for what I am – a TurboNerd. I mean I own pleated pants for christ’s sake.
So in the interest of healing, I wanted to get my nerdiness out in the open.
My name is Jeff Elmer Nomina and I have a problem…
I am a music nerd. Two-fold.
First, I am one of those elitist music pricks who buys records on vinyl because, “You haven’t even HEARD Van Morrison until you’ve heard it on vinyl, man.” Listening to mp3’s is like reading Moby Dick as a picture book – 90% of the sound quality is lost in the process of converting it to the mp3 format.
See how nerdy I am – I can’t even control my rants when talking about how nerdy I am!
The second way music prevents me from getting laid is the incredible amount of time I spend sitting at the computer researching bands. I live for finding new bands and reading articles about ones I love. When a band I like name drops another band you can be damn sure I have researched them and already formed an opinion. I also contain more music knowledge than is anywhere near necessary. “Have you heard of the Drive-By Truckers? They just kicked out Jason Isbell who is an amazing songwriter. He went on to play with a band named Son Volt, who’s singer, Jay Farrar, used to be in the band Uncle Tupelo with Jeff Tweedy, the lead singer of Wilco.”
This explains why I rarely find a companion in bed – it’s like six degrees of celebation.
Next on the list of nerd – Sports.
I love to watch sports and try to keep up as much as possible, but when it comes to my favorite teams (the Dolphins, Tribe and Cavs) I go overboard. I'm that guy who will talk sports with anyone at any time about any team (mainly because I am not busy talking to girls). Beyond the average nerdy stat knowledge - and memorizing entire rosters - I love message boards. I know, I know, where's my goatee and Est. 1983 shirt? Not only do I love message boards - I actually PAY to be part of a Dolphins board. I'm so argumentative I have to pay money to argue with people I'll never meet about a team I have no control over (with people who are ALSO fans of the team). I am not sure if this is nerdy or just sad.
The Discovery Channel
Oh how I love you. Dirty Jobs, Deadliest Catch, Myth Busters and absolutely any of those shows that give you entirely too much information about an animal. I watched a show about ants for an hour the other night. Man Vs Wild is on? I got $50 on Man, baby! I think I could live on a steady diet of only the Discovery Channel and History Channel (though the History Channel goes straight to my hips).
I. Love. Zombies. I have zero interest in horror movies OR action movies - yet I'm like a kid in a candy store every time an infectious disease reanimates the dead and sends them on an endless quest for fresh human brains. I love everything zombie - even that Cranberries song. I catch myself zoning out and daydreaming about what I would do should I suddenly find a horde of zombies attacking me (by the way - my work building is poorly designed for attacks from the undead). It also turns out that, "Hey, have you seen 'Dead Alive'?" is not a good ice-breaker. Who knew? That won't stop me from stopping to watch Shaun of the Dead every single time Comedy Central sends it through the takling picture box.
Lets face it - blogging is kind of nerdy. Cool kids are too busy riding motorcycles and listening to the "rock'n'roll" to have time blogging. As Momo can attest - I also love to talk about blogging when I see her out at the bars. It could be worse - I could talk about Space Camp or X-Men - but still, its a bar, I'm sure I could come up with a better topic for discussion. How embarassing.
Obviously these are only a few of what must be thousands of nerdy tendencies of mine. There is the way I still say, "Aw snap!" and the fact that I can recite Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore from front to back - but I hit the big ones.
Next time you see me at the bars with my trendy clothes and $40 haircut you will know my secret - I'm only out because I have my Tivo set to record Dirty Jobs.