Wednesday, September 15, 2010


There are a lot of things I miss about being a kid: being able to play with action figures without looking like a creeper, movies with talking animals and, of course, all the BK Knights light up shoes.

But I don't miss swimming.

I probably haven't gone swimming in 4 years. What did I see in this as a kid? I treat my swimsuit the same way I treat my Sugar Ray CDs - I hide them way in the back of the attic in a box with "OLD FILES" written on it.

Think about swimming. First you decide, "Hey, I'm going to go swimming!" Innocent enough. But then comes the swimsuit - do you wear underwear underneath it? I don't know. It is kind of weird. It gets all wet and clingy and then you have to pack an EXTRA pair of underwear. If there are girls there and your bag of clothes opens up they see your underwear. That is kind of weird. But if you don't wear underwear and your swimsuit gets all clingy it is even more embarrassing. What if your Mom is there? No one needs that. And don't get me started on that netting they put in swimsuits. That netting couldn't be more uncomfortable if it was a black guy at a Taylor Hicks concert.

Then you have to pack the rest of your crap. You know damn well you are going to forget something - towel, sun screen, extra pants, flip flops, extra underwear. Something ain't making that trip. And what do you do with your wet clothes AFTER you swim. A bag of wet clothes is about as much fun as Tyler Perry movie.

Let's jut get this out there - swimming is exercise. You can't put floaties on me and push me towards an eliptical machine, so don't think that pool is any better. Though it is nice that I can pee while I'm in there.

Finally you get done and dry off - but there is ALWAYS that one asshole that wants to get back in. Now your towel is all wet - half your dry clothes are wet and you have to get back in the water. For what? More exercise? Who are you, Jillian Michaels?

So when people ask me to go swimming I just say, go right ahead. I'll stand on the shore in these sweet BK Knights.


Alicia said...

I'm totally with you. I just hate being wet, then damp... the whole drying off process is annoying. You end up cold and annoyed. Seriously - why put yourself through it?! I'll be chillin' with you - nice and dry - on the side of the pool with an adult beverage instead.

Idea #527 said...

I'm going to have to disagree! I love to go out on the boat and stop in the middle of the lake (especially when it's like 1000 degrees) and lay/sit on floaties and drink adult beverages, maybe swim around a little or try and do those somersaults in the water like you used to, then get back into the boat and continue putting around.

Maybe a lake is a bit different than a pool though. I haven't been to a pool in years. Well besides a water park. Those are just awesome!

Moooooog35 said...

I had something but Alicia's 'I hate being wet, then damp..' comment threw me for a loop.

It's like women don't even think men read this stuff.

Allison M. said...

so then I guess I can't count you in at joining me on the high dive?

Ben said...

Swimming sucks. SUCKS. Too efforty from start to finish.

Mary said...

I have issues with swimming because women are expected to wear these skimpy bikinis but if you move too quickly in the water while wearing one, you're gonna flash something to someone. So I guess maybe the reason I *don't* like swimming would be a good reason for you to reconsider :p.

msx said...

you forgot to mention your ass crack peeping out when you climb outta the pool and your swimsuit gets pulled down because its so heavy.