Monday, January 31, 2011


I normally don't do this on my blog, but here is a picture of my wife:

The woman doesn't know how to make statements. Everything she says is in the form of a question. It is like she has some weird obsession with curved punction.

Every conversation starts with a statement posed as a question:

How about how much you love bacon?

Why is Meryl Streep such a good actress?

How about how is it so cold outside?

And it goes on and on.

The problem isn't that she is asking questions - it is that she is asking questions that don't have answers. She might as well be asking me for the meaning of life or why Nickelback is famous. Plus, she says something and then looks at me for a response - like I am some social mistake that I can't even answer a simple question.

This has been going on for years now - and I never knew how to respond. When nearly every sentence starts with "How about how" there are only so many smartass things to say.

But then - I finally figured it out.


Yes, four.

Everytime she asks a question that has no logical answer, I just say, "four".

"How about how you hate carrots?"


"Why isn't there more cereal?"


"Why are you crying?"


It works perfectly. And it lets me drift in and out of conversations. Whatever she says I just respond with, "four" and I can't be wrong.

In fact, now that I don't have to answer her questions all the time, I've had a chance to tackle some of the bigger questions in life. "What does it all mean?" "Where do we go when we die?"

If you want to know go ahead and ask. I've got a perfect answer for ya.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Your So Vain

I'm not sure what the Obamanable Snowman is going to talk about in the State of the Union tonight, but I sure as hell hope it is this:

Yes, that is an actual item for sale at Wet Seal.

If you aren't sure why this upsets me, think about what it is saying.

'If YOU ARE single, so am I'

Not: 'If your single, so am I'

So unless they meant "your single" as in "your single mission in life is to seek out and destroy the person who created this shirt by delivering a bear wrapped in explosives and a can-do attitude" then the person who created this shirt needs to be hunted down by a bear wrapped in explosives and a can-do attitude.

Is this where we are as a society? Every person on earf spends their days getting to second base with their mobile phone on texts, Twitter, Facebook, blogs and Googling "What was Lisa from Saved by the Bell's real name?" and yet we can't get this right?

So if the next generation can't even spell correctly, let's all blame Wet Seal.

Because it is obviously there fault.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

500th Post and Dating Up


Today is my 500th blog post. I started this thing in the fall of 2007 - assuming it would be like my love life at the time - based loosely around drunk texts and heavy petting.

But I stuck with it. And now I'm married. Coincidence? Yeah, probably - but if you'd like to take some credit for my having conquered my fear of commitment and tying the knot, then go right ahead, Reader.

Just remember that while I may be happy - you broke the heart of single women everywhere. In particular Marissa Miller who CAN STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES ANYTIME NOW. It is awkward and pathetic.

With hitting the big five hundo today, I wanted to introduce a new feature here at The 'Neck. Does anyone remember Would Ya Wednesdays - the fun-family game of telling me if you would intercourse certain celebrities? Well this is kinda like that but with WAY more judging.

So welcome to the new feature here at The 'Neck:

Dating Up.

Where I show a celebrity couple and you tell me which one is the ugly one - and therefore, dating up.

Example -

Seal and Heidi Klum. Heidi Klum is so hot I could have relations with her shadow. Seal's face looks like one of those 3-D ultrasound things that make it look like the mother has an alien growing in her belly.

That means that Seal is Dating Up.

So here are today's lucky contestants:

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel.

I realize I should hate Justin Timberlake but for some reason I can't bring myself to do it. I have to imagine if I were him I would act pretty much the exact same way. I mean the guy is better at literally everything than I am. How do you go from being in a boy band and having that stupid curly hair to being that cool? It has to be one of the greatest reversals in history. They should play his E! True Hollywood Story on ESPN Classic - thats how good of a comeback he had.

And what can I say about Jessica Biel? Her ass is like the opposite of Seal's face. They should make tanks out of that thing as I have to imagine it is one of the hardest substances on earf.

So it's time to put one of them down by telling me they are dating up:

Remember - the ugly one is dating up. And if you don't know whether or not YOU are dating up in your relationship? Then you are. By a mile. But at least you don't have Seal's face.

Monday, January 10, 2011


I've got a new life goal - to be completely average in the most awesome way ever.

In other words, I want to be the new Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks isn't attractive - but isn't necessarily unattracitve.

He's funny - but not a comedian.

He's a good actor but he's not going to steal any scenes.

He can't dance.

He can't sing.

He isn't an action hero.

I don't even know if the guy seperates his glass from his plastics.

He's just some guy who is pretty likeable and starred in a bunch of movies.

And now that he is famous? He's not in and out of rehab or out hooking up with every new supermodel that comes along - he's just rich as hell and living it up.

I could TOTALLY do that.

Today's stars are either annoyingly attractive or so odd looking it is comedic. They're either in rehab or the adoption line.

Well guess what, Reader - I am average in every way! I'm ok to look at! I can sometimes say funny things but not all the time! If you were to meet me on the street you would probably walk away thinking, "I wonder where I put my keys?" because I'm completely average and forgettable.


Give me a magic fortune reading, a mermaid, some email, insomnia in Seattle or Meg Ryan and let me show you just how unimpressive I can be.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Wife Swap

As much as Tim McGraw wants me to "Live Like You Were Dying" (which is what it feels like when I hear his songs) - everyone falls into a few routines. Whether it is going to the same Starbucks every morning, logging onto Facebook as soon as you get up, or your morning poop - we all have a few things that remain constant.

But my wife decided to turn my world upside-down a few months ago when she decided she wanted to switch sides of the bed.

Just like that.

She just wants me to roll over to the other side of the bed AND SLEEP OVER THERE!!!

Who does that?

Is nothing sacred?

I mean, what did I do to deserve this? It isn't like I asked her to dye her hair or switch deodorant or change her name...

...oh wait.

Looks like I'll be waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Sleep Tight

What must the aliens think?.

If you were watching this planet from millions of light years away - wouldn't you be disgusted with humans? I'm sure they are sitting there with their 6 arms and their gills and four brains thinking, "Really, Fatty Human, McDonald's again? Why don't you just ORDER diabetes?"

Which got me thinking - if aliens were to ever come hang out with me on a Friday night, one of the hardest things to explain would have to be sleep.

How do you explain sleep to someone?

"Hey, buddy! What did you do last night?"

"Well, I was unconscious for like eight hours."

"What the hell? That's not good? Are you ok?"

"Yeah - actually I had a dream where I was a superhero that could turn anything into tacos. So, ya know, could be worse."

Imagine if you were an alien watching that. Like, trying to learn the customs of humans.

"Ok, so first they go sit in a small cube and stare at a box with numbers on it for 8 hours a day. Then they get into a moving box and get in long lines that move extremely slowly until they get to what appears to be a home. Once there, they consume food and stare at another box, that seems to contain smaller humans doing something called "Dancing with the Stars". But there aren't any stars which is stupid. After that they just lay there. For like 8 fucking hours. It is boring as hell. What are they doing? It is like they're dead. What a boring fucking species."

Either that or aliens just think we keep waking from the dead and this is an entire planet full of zombies. Which would explain why they haven't invaded us, yet.

Because if you had four brains, would YOU want to visit a planet full of zombies? Not without a taco-makin' Super Hero, you wouldn't.