Top 10 Skills For Manhood

I was recently reading an article about the 25 skills all men should possess. Some of the things listed in the article were true – changing the oil in your vehicle, backing up a trailer, how to filet a fish and get your car unstuck are definitely things I agree should be on the list (even though I can’t filet a fish – but my manhood has been in question since I used the phrase “antsy in my pantsy” a few posts back). Others were headscratchers – rescuing a capsized boater? Really? Is that even a skill? Are you like, “Oh my god, their boat capsized!!! Quick, someone call Jim – he is AWESOME at boat rescues!” Another skill was extending your wireless network – with the advice to “buy better equipment”. No shit? I thought if I tied two cans together with string and wrote Google on one I could finally get to the porn!

So I decided to make my own Top 10 list (25 would take too long and I am really, really lazy). I would love to hear others’ opinions, as I have lead a fairly sheltered life, growing up in the country and all, so I may have missed some very important skills.

Changing A Tire.

The rest of this list is in no particular order but I think this has to be number one. It isn’t hard and everyone has to do it sooner or later. If you can’t do it and a girl comes in and does it for you – you officially have to return your penis and get a tattoo that says, “I’m a nancy boy”.

Unhooking A Bra.

Doesn’t have to be the first try, fellas – but you gotta be able to do it. If a girl is wearing some crazy bra that has a clasp harder to break than the vault of a casino – then there is no point deduction. Double-points are awarded for the one-handed release.

Haggle With A Salesman

This is really just a pissing contest – and what do guys like more than competition? Answer: chicken wings and boobs. But competition is third – and rarely are chicken wings eaten in an environment when there is some, even if unspoken, competition going on. I forget what I was talking about. Did someone say boobs?

Drink A 6 Pack Without Getting Drunk

You can be buzzing, that is not a problem, but 6 beers does not mean you are allowed to dance (the greatest litmus test of drunkenicity).

Compliment A Girl

I can hear the guys collectively making fun of me on this one. Swallow the pride boys – girls spend entirely too much time trying to impress us - so get over yourself for 30 seconds and notice the new haircut or if she obviously went out of her way on the outfit. Not saying you have to get all Joan Rivers on their ass – but it won’t kill you to acknowledge she is out of your league.

Approach A Girl At A Bar

Oh man this one sucks. Girls have NO idea because even if you approach a guy at a bar – you are still the attractive species so it is always welcomed. We are guys – we have few redeeming qualities, so trying to woo a girl isn’t as easy as you lead us to believe. That being said, a guy should be able to start a conversation at the bar, even if he gets shut down. Liquid courage is not only acceptable but encouraged.

Grill

If you can’t grill a steak then go home, asshole. Seriously. Every male guest at a cookout / tailgate should have the skills to man the grill. It’s a community activity - the grill master may need a beer, or to hit on the cute redhead from his work because her boyfriend didn’t show up to the party and she was TOTALLY hitting on him last Friday at Happy Hour even if she was wasted – there should be no drop-off when another man steps in to take care of the altar that is a grill. “It takes a village to raise a child” works for my steak as well.

Starting Machinery

You ain’t gots to drive it; but you gots to start it. Chainsaws, fork-lifts, tractors, leaf blowers, lawn mowers – a guy should know how to start anything. A side-bar of this one is that no matter how much hell a piece of machinery is giving you – you don’t give up until either you have started it, or you are bleeding. I have had wrestling matches with our old skid loader that make Ali vs Frasier look like two kittens playing with a ball of yarn. Rumble in the Jungle? How about the Meltdown in Deltown (that’s Delphos for you Clevelanders).

Pull Off The “Just-Roll-Out-Of-Bed” Look

We all have that ratted out pair of jeans, t-shirt with holes around the neck and the faded basketball camp logo, the hair that looks like it may have been styled at some point last week and that trusted pair of aviators. All guys should be able to pull off the “Fuck You” look. If you can’t leave the house without putting product in your hair, or making sure you have a clean shirt, you need to check your pants again, cuz I am pretty sure your penis is a mirage from too much hair gel.

Drive Stick

I can’t drive stick. I’ll admit it. I have driven my old man’s grain truck which is a stick – but I could never handle driving on a highway in a manual car. How embarrassing is that? I am a redneck and can’t drive stick. Not only that, but I am not intelligent enough to make sure that I can do all ten things on my own top ten list. I really need to rethink my life.

What did I miss? I am interested to hear the female perspective – I am sure their story is much, much different than mine…

This Cat Didn't Deserve This

Phone Calls - a Comparison

A guy phone call:

Intro – A “hello” followed by a question for which an answer is not expected, “What’s up?”, for example. At least one nickname must be exchanged.

Body of the call – This section goes in two directions. 1) Asking a question or getting an opinion about an important problem. 2) Telling a funny story. This portion of the call cannot, and will not, last more than 3 minutes. Also guys can usually get the WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, WHY and SO WHAT of a call out of the way in under 2 minutes.

Normally at least one insult is exchanged DURING the call.

Joke – every call between guys will have one hilarious moment. If there has already been a hilarious moment, at least one semi-funny joke must be shared before…

The Exit – One word – “Later” works.

Total: Under five minutes. At all costs. If the male is in a car with other passengers, the call will not last over two minutes for fear of castration.

A female phone call:

Intro – A greeting immediately followed by a sentence that constantly gets higher in pitch. This flows straight into a twenty second period of both parties talking at the same time followed by laughter.

Disbelief – One side will tell a story the other side couldn’t possibly believe. “Oh my god, no she didn’t!”

Random Stories – I usually get confused and disoriented during this portion. I know there is normally two strings of conversation going at once and they somehow meet in laughter. It is like an episode of Seinfeld where each person has their own storyline going and somehow they intersect.

Apologizing - Before hanging up both sides apologize for not hanging out more and talk about how much they miss each other. They then make plans to not follow through on the plans they just made with each other.

Exit - Normally flirted with a few times throughout conversation - average time before first attempted exit and actual end of call is 7 minutes.

Insults are not exchanged until after the call.

Total: No man has ever paid attention long enough to get a final time - but rumors have been floating around that the average call is in excess of 28 minutes.

Like pop rocks and coke, me and sports or men and spandex, guys and gals simply don’t mix in phone conversations. It may have to do with guy’s short attention spans, it may have to do with the ladies’ ability to speak for 20 minutes without taking a breath, or maybe the way we look at phone conversations.

As a guy – I treat the phone as an accessory activity. I am not just talking on the phone; I am talking on the phone while I watch tv, shave, read the paper or take a nap. When guys talk we get the details out, “Hey – we are heading to the bar at 9 for the game.” Bar. 9. Game. CHECK.

Women seem to think of talking on the phone as a sole activity – not to be interrupted by other tasks. It is also a treasure hunt to find the important information in the conversation. Example: “I talked to Sandy and she said that she wanted to go with us to the bar but she had to get her hair done first – so I think I will go out to eat with Michelle and then meet up with Sandy when she gets done. I don’t want to drive because then I can’t drink but I know Michelle has a small car and is really weird about parking it downtown, so I KNOW I will end up driving. Ugh. But our reservations are at 7 and it should only take an hour and a half, then it will take me 15 minutes to pick up Sandy and at least 15 minutes to get all the way back across town to get to the bar. I don’t even know why we are going to that bar, I don’t really care about the game and its always so crowded, plus the music is SO loud. But whatever.”

I shouldn’t have to do math to figure out estimated bar arrival time.

Now I am not stupid. Ok I am stupid, but I still have figured out a FEW tricks. The reason some of you ladies talk so much is because you know that after 10-15 minutes you can lull us into an honesty sleep. It is the same as when you wait till we are JUST about asleep and ask important relationship questions. I have already started dreaming about zombies and – I have no strength to give the proper answer. So after a long convo on the phone you can slip in a quick question that the guy will answer without thinking. Sneaky. Very sneaky. Guys have no defense, and don’t have a long enough attention span to try the same trick back. It is flawless and genius. Bravo ladies.

Also, guys are always multi-tasking on the phone. It is better to just not ask what we are up to because you don’t want to know. If you hear a toilet flush – don’t ask questions. It’s better for everyone. Video phones will never fully take over because guys will never accept having to be acceptable on the phone.

Another point about guys. We are assholes. All of us – you know that one friend who is so nice and is always there for you? Nope. Still an asshole. In that respect, we assume girls call because they need to talk. Most guys will gladly sit on the phone and listen as long as there is no test at the end. Guys figure that talking on the phone is just something girls have to do – much in the same way guys have a natural instinct to burn things and high-five. So when a conversation starts to get long in the tooth – guys tune out and assume the girl will stop when she gets her fill. When we are quizzed about the conversation later, all we can think about is how we were watching SportsCenter and how bald Scott Van pelt is. Don’t feel insulted ladies, we thought we were doing a nice thing – and you have been around us long enough to know that we aren’t listening past 5 minutes.

Any additions that I missed – I know this is a touchy subject with guys – and one that we don’t normally get to vent about. So, fellas, if there is anything I missed please let me know.

PS - Special Thanks to Jason on this one - he helped add fuel to the fire and get me over the writer's block.

Top 5 Sitcoms

1. Arrested Development

One of the smartest shows ever. I still sometimes cry at night because this show was canceled.

2. Seinfeld

Who doesn't have Seinfeld on their top 5?

3. The Adventures of Pete and Pete

Why doesn't anyone else remember this show?

4. Ed (guilty pleasure)

Got sucked in to this one during college and I am still mad at TBS for playing reruns of Becker instead of reruns of Ed at noon. I even made sure I watched this while I was on spring break in Jamaica so I wouldn't miss the storyline.

5. Scrubs

I have seen every episode and still watch it twice (at least) a day. If I could do the Turk dance my life would be complete.


Lets hear em!

Odds are it Evens out

I must admit – I’m getting a bit antsy in my pantsy. 2008 is on it’s way and I couldn’t be more excited. Why you ask? My odd years are cursed.

I know that makes me sound crazy – but what is this entire blog about if not craziness?

I first noticed this strange fact in high school, and have since been waiting for an odd year to come out and prove me wrong. 2007 was close, in the way the Indians were close to winning the World Series. It lulled me to sleep with a few good months and better nights before pulling the rug out from under me. So as the sun sets on 2007, I am left with an extra 20 pounds, a late summer break-up, three cracked windshields for one vehicle, the Cavs and Tribe leaving me at the doorstep with a handshake goodnight, the Dolphins somehow playing even more embarrassing than their colors, and an overall hangover that only a prime number can deliver.

But it is November, mid-November at that, and the first few rays of 2008 are peaking over the horizon. Already things are getting better – a few great weekends, some amazing new music, new cute girls and a few extra coins jingling in my pockets. No more whining from this kid – raise your glasses and salute numbers divisible by two. Forget Thanksgiving’s food coma and Christmas’ hangover –it’s almost the New Year – don’t drop the ball.