Unbearable

I'm kinda handsy.

I always have to have something in my hand (laaaaaaaaaadies). When sitting at my desk, it is normally a pen or a binder clip or something else that I can make annoying noises until my coworkers speak with HR to understand how killing me would effect their employment status.

So to counteract my handsinaciousness, a coworker bought me a small, rubber bear that I can play with and not bother anyone.

The bear soon became part of my office persona. It came with me to meetings, it would turn up in compromising positions on my desk and if you walked by quick enough, you could probably catch me chewing on it (who's scary now, bear?)

But while on the phone on Friday, my cozy, cuddly bear exploded in a mass of Timothy Treadwell.

So today is a sad day. My bear has left me with not only empty hands, but an empty heart.

RIP Bear.
It's better to blow up in a fireworks display of tiny plastic balls than to fade away.

The Dolphins Make Me Cry

I have something admit to all of you.

I'm that guy.

I'm the guy that sits at a sports bar, by himself, every Sunday to see his favorite football team's (the Miami Dolphins) game.

And I wear a jersey.

I PAY MONEY to be part of an exclusive Miami Dolphins message board.

I have Miami Dolphin colored stripes running down the sides of my truck.

I hate you, Tom Brady.

I can not only name the entire 53 man roster, but could probably tell you the name of the Assistant Secondary Coach.

I love you, Dan Marino.

When my brother and I speak on the phone, there is a 5 minute window to discuss our lives and his kids before we launch into, and I kid you not, weekly 45 minute discussions about ONLY the Dolphins.

There are and will be not plans made for Sundays during the NFL season. Ever. The Lady Friend understands that I will do anything she asks 6 days a week - but come Sunday - I am off limits.

When Hootie said, "I'm such a baby, yeah, the Dolphins make me cry." I knew EXACTLY what he meant.

Ace Ventura could have just been Jim Carrey making faces at a camera for 2 hours but if the Dolphins were in the background I would still consider it a cinema masterpiece.

When the sign in my office says "Miami Dolphins Fan Parking Only" it means "Miami Dolphins Fan Parking Only, Mother Fucker"

I am that guy.

But most impressive beyond all of that -

I am willing to wear the colors aqua and orange to support my team.

That is devotion.

Go Phins.

Pop-Culture

Things I have trouble believing -

People think Katherine Heigl is attractive and a sweetheart.

Anyone has ever laughed at a Wanda Sykes joke ever.

Jon and Kate have anything left to say.

Heidi and Spencer are still relevant in any way.

Winona Ryder won't return my phone calls.

Tyler Perry isn't turning into Earnest (umm...umm...Madea goes to...space? Film it!)

Grey's Anatomy is still on.

People don't realize Lady Gaga dresses like that because it makes people buy her records.

Lindsay Lohan hasn't been in a movie in almost 3 years but I still see a news story on her daily.

We are all supposed to forget about shaved head / swastika carving / umbrella wielding Brittney.

I've been blogging for over two years.

Thanks to everyone who reads this space and helps satisfy my need for attention. If I could give you all a big kiss, buy you a beer and give you a smack on the ass I would - but my lawyer said I'm not allowed within 50 yards of any of you.

Thanks to all of the great people I've met, the great blogs I've found and for anyone who reads White-Collar Redneck.

Girly Man

Me: Do you have anything for spiders? I scream like a little school girl every time I see one.

Hardware Guy: We have traps.

Me: Looking more for something that will ensure I never have to see another spider ever.

Hardware Guy: You could just be a man about it.

Me: Do you sell something for that?

I Will Murder My House

You know when you do something and everyone keeps warning you it is a bad idea but you only look at the good parts until reality sets in and it's too late and you are already screwed (girls - this is like dating a guy with a chin strap beard)?

Well, helllllo home ownership!

My Friday started with someone backing into my beloved truck. I am using the word 'truck' loosely here as it is a Honda - which is about as manly of a truck as a VH1 reality show is really 'reality'. Point of the story - it's gonna cost some money to fix. While this isn't necessarily directly related to the house, I am already trained to blame all things money related on the house (that includes my girl friend).

Saturday ended with my painting the FOURTH coat of paint on my bedroom. It was like a tug of war against my will to pick up that paintbrush. Like that paintbrush was a carrot and I was a 5yr old at the dinner table. I knew I had to paint it or I'd never get dessert. Dessert in this scenario is just a painted room - so I didn't even get to put sprinkles on it.

And then, finally, on Sunday - my bathtub decided it would be fun to turn my kitchen into a slip'n'slide by leaking water from the ceiling and all over. This proves my bathtub is stupid because slip'n'slides always end with rug burns and knee-scrapes and that is NOT cool. Buy me a Skip It or lose me forever, Bath Tub.

So after all of that - and the probable COST of all of that - I am pretty much ready to punch babies.

But that would probably get me sent to jail.

And as much as it sucked to have someone back into my truck - in jail I would probably get rear ended.

I guess things aren't that bad.