Traffic

This is my drive in every morning -

Forty minutes of pure trafficky goodness. Do you know how much energy it takes to hate all those people at one time? I used to try to hate only the stupid ones, but it is such an overwhelming majority I thought my hating would be more efficient to just lump them all into one category.

So as I finally get some coffee running through my veins, helping to speed up my hatred of all things traffic, I pose this question -

What situation displays the most combined stupidity for you?

Is it traffic jams

or airports

or malls

or Nickelback concerts

or another situation that I missed?

Join me in the hatred - just don't you date switch lanes without a blinker.

'Snot Right

Why are boogers so gross? I feel like they are being misrepresented.

I mean - we all pick our nose. All of us. I see you in the mornings on your drive to work with your finger jammed up there. We all do it. So we all know what boogers feel like / look like and it shouldn't come as a surprise.

Plus - kids eat em. Check out a kid - I bet you will see him gobble up a booger if you watch him for at least 5 minutes. Kids eat those things like they are Lucky Charms. And I've seen kids try to eat broccoli - it ain't happening. That means boogers have to taste better than broccoli. Fact.

The thing is - I LIKE broccoli - so what am I missing out on by not eating boogers. Maybe social stigma has prevented me from one of the world's greatest treasures. You would be hard pressed to convince me that a hot dog is less gross than a booger. Or calamari, or oysters. I love all that shit - so why can't I love boogers.

You have a choice to make - you can either give in to The Man and continue your life eating whatever the grocery store tells you is ok - or you can join the ranks of the Booger Eaters and live life in a fantastic rainbow journey of flavors.

You pick.

Make a House a Home

There are big changes coming here at White-Collar Redneck. Instead of complaining about homeless people, I will now be complaining about people who own homes - namely, myself.

I closed on my new house last week and am now knee deep in paint and cleaning supplies (read as: debt). I have left the busy, exciting streets of Cleveland (I see you laughing) for a quiet, clean street of Lakewood. Yes...the Burbs.

So today and tomorrow are going to be "blog free" much like my wallet is "money free" - though if you are Home Depot, my wallet is actually "free money".

But have no fear - I will return on Wednesday for your regularly scheduled blogramming.

Now get off my lawn.

Pizza Face - True FML

Last night I tried to pop a zit on my chest but it just flaked off and I realized it was dried on pizza sauce. I had been wearing a shirt the entire day.

FML

Too Sexy For My Shirt

I am vanilla.

My entire wardrobe is full of solid-color selections that rarely venture outside of browns, grays or black. I will admit I have a light blue shirt in the back of my closet for when I feel a bit saucy - but mostly I stick to earf tones.

I like it this way. I enjoy the look of a solid color - plus, lets face it - my face does most of the talking. I mean have you SEEN this thing? I'm like the love baby between Brad Pitt, George Clooney and James Dean. My three Dads!

But even more than directing attention to my money maker - I hate graphics on shirts for two reasons -

A) I'm not paying $20 to wear a shirt advertising your brand. I do this shit for a living and you should be paying me.

B) I hate explaining why I am wearing a specific graphic or what it means. It's a shirt, not a statement. My shirt doesn't tell you anything about me - but if it COULD tell you something, it would probably tell you I am awesome - my shirts love me.

Anyways - last week I was convinced to step outside of my comfort zone and not only purchase a white shirt - but a shirt with an actual logo on it. After kicking, screaming and a little crying, I agreed and went happily along my way with this shirt from Banana Republic -

Listen I didn't say it was the greatest shirt in the world - just a shirt. With an elephant.

After wearing the shirt ONE time I am convinced I need to have a press conference. Perhaps I will release a book outlining the exact details of said shirt. It created such an uproar I am fairly certain that somewhere Sarah Palin is claiming I somehow offended her family with it.

Some reactions -

From coworkers - "Oh I love your elephant shirt! What does it mean?"

From friends - "I didn't know you were a republican? (editor's note - I'm not) And a green elephant? Isn't that, like, an oxymoron?"

From random guy at store - "So...what, man? Are you like really into elephants or something?"

So if you see me in my new shirt and want to ask a question - go ahead.

I don't want to be the elephant in the room.