Top 5 reasons why Alexa from Cleveland's a Plum rules Cleveland:
5. She is a trendsetter: in Cleveland, black is the new black
4. When she yells "HELLO, CLEVELAND!" - it answers.
3. Her blog is the city's only exported good.
2. By winning Cleveland Magazines "Best Blog" she has won more than Lebron James.
1. Her only competition is Drew Carey.
I will rule this town one day - or I will host the Price is Right. Whichever comes first. Watch your back, Alexa.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Oh, Canada
America - we have a problem.
Not only are Canadians smart, polite and cultured -
They're cool.
I know - I know. We thought we could get away with being simple-minded, unintelligent fatsos because Guns N' Roses was born here.
So did I.
But after this past weekend's trip to Montreal - they are all cool. Every single one of them. Even Canadian Nerds could be Mayor of Cleveland in like a week due to sheer coolness.
Walking down the street is like walking through an episode of any show on the CW - just pretty people dressed in crazy clothing everywhere.
And they're smart.
They speak somewhere between 14-72 languages. I am pretty sure they just make up languages when they get bored and then speak those. I barely speak English. The next closest thing I speak is Ebonics - but I only took two semesters of it and used freetranslations.com for all the tests.
All I'm saying is that as long as Bill Murray is alive, we will still be the coolest country in the world. But when he's gone - watch out.
Next thing you know we'll be the U.S.Eh?
Not only are Canadians smart, polite and cultured -
They're cool.
I know - I know. We thought we could get away with being simple-minded, unintelligent fatsos because Guns N' Roses was born here.
So did I.
But after this past weekend's trip to Montreal - they are all cool. Every single one of them. Even Canadian Nerds could be Mayor of Cleveland in like a week due to sheer coolness.
Walking down the street is like walking through an episode of any show on the CW - just pretty people dressed in crazy clothing everywhere.
And they're smart.
They speak somewhere between 14-72 languages. I am pretty sure they just make up languages when they get bored and then speak those. I barely speak English. The next closest thing I speak is Ebonics - but I only took two semesters of it and used freetranslations.com for all the tests.
All I'm saying is that as long as Bill Murray is alive, we will still be the coolest country in the world. But when he's gone - watch out.
Next thing you know we'll be the U.S.Eh?
Monday, October 26, 2009
Moody Blues
Man was I in a bad mood last week.
Like horrible bad.
Like El Nino was going to ask to borrow my stapler, saw the look on my face and went and destroyed South America instead.
I was in a bad mood -
And it was...AWESOME.
Bad moods might be one of my favorite things ever. Just hating everything. Cursing people for no apparent reason. Over-the-top uses of sarcasm. It all rules.
I actually prefer to be annoyed when I am in a bad mood just so I can say Fuck that guy!
Did he breathe too heavy in a room adjacent to mine? Fuck that guy!
Did that girl just roll her eyes at me? Fuck that guy!
Is that wall not looking at me right? Fuck that guy!
But while I'm cursing people, I need a soundtrack.
I know most people go for death-metal; but I think that is too obvious. Sometimes I have a little Appetite for Destruction - but even that doesn't do the trick.
So what do I listen to?
Marvin Gaye.
I get in my truck, hit the road and blare "Let's Get It On".
Then I sing, oh do I sing. And dance - with moves you've never even seen before.
Because I'm in a bad mood - so I don't care that I sign like Britney and dance like...well...Britney.
I know what you are thinking - what if Britney reads this and get upset?
Well...Fuck that guy!
Like horrible bad.
Like El Nino was going to ask to borrow my stapler, saw the look on my face and went and destroyed South America instead.
I was in a bad mood -
And it was...AWESOME.
Bad moods might be one of my favorite things ever. Just hating everything. Cursing people for no apparent reason. Over-the-top uses of sarcasm. It all rules.
I actually prefer to be annoyed when I am in a bad mood just so I can say Fuck that guy!
Did he breathe too heavy in a room adjacent to mine? Fuck that guy!
Did that girl just roll her eyes at me? Fuck that guy!
Is that wall not looking at me right? Fuck that guy!
But while I'm cursing people, I need a soundtrack.
I know most people go for death-metal; but I think that is too obvious. Sometimes I have a little Appetite for Destruction - but even that doesn't do the trick.
So what do I listen to?
Marvin Gaye.
I get in my truck, hit the road and blare "Let's Get It On".
Then I sing, oh do I sing. And dance - with moves you've never even seen before.
Because I'm in a bad mood - so I don't care that I sign like Britney and dance like...well...Britney.
I know what you are thinking - what if Britney reads this and get upset?
Well...Fuck that guy!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
America's Hat
The Lady Friend and I randomly decided on Tuesday that we were flying to Montreal on Saturday. I wouldn't even really call it a vacation - vacations are planned for. This is like a field trip. We are the equivalent of a 6th grade class learning the ins and outs of a far away and foreign culture.
I've been to Windsor (the strip club capital of the US) and Toronto recently, but this will be my first trip back to Montreal since I was but a wee lad.
I wonder what these strange and exotic people will be like. Will they have funny accents and strange clothes? Will they have ever seen 'the White Man' before? Will their women walk around sans clothes, unaware of Western Civilization's shame in nudity?
Or will it just be a lot of denim and maple syrup?
Either way I am excited, lets just hope they didn't find a way to screw up bacon.
Bon Voyage (see, I'm already learning their language)
Side Note - I need your best Canada jokes to fend off all the politeness and hospitality. These colors don't run!
I've been to Windsor (the strip club capital of the US) and Toronto recently, but this will be my first trip back to Montreal since I was but a wee lad.
I wonder what these strange and exotic people will be like. Will they have funny accents and strange clothes? Will they have ever seen 'the White Man' before? Will their women walk around sans clothes, unaware of Western Civilization's shame in nudity?
Or will it just be a lot of denim and maple syrup?
Either way I am excited, lets just hope they didn't find a way to screw up bacon.
Bon Voyage (see, I'm already learning their language)
Side Note - I need your best Canada jokes to fend off all the politeness and hospitality. These colors don't run!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Leave A Message
Girls - here is a free lesson:
Guys hate phones.
We hate phones like girls hate following movie plots.
We hate phones more than girls hate punctuality.
We hate phones more than girls hate passing up a rest stop without testing its bathroom facilities.
If you have something important to talk about, I would rather you send me an actual letter - in the mail - than call me about it. Maybe even just use smoke signals - or see if you can do it telepathically.
Every time a girl flavored friend calls they ask some form of the question, "So, what's new?" Oh, great, just what I needed - a pop quiz.
I have to pull some crazy Sherlock Holmes shenanigans to remember what I had for lunch yesterday, now you want me to entertain you with tales of my everyday?
If that is the case, then girls need to start being more entertained with my stories - I don't want to talk about my job or my house - lets talk about that time last month when I saw a bird fly into a window! It twitched for like 5 minutes!
So, to combat having to give my verbal memoirs every time a girl calls, I've started lying.
What did I do yesterday? I fought through the restraints of a group of firefighters and ran into the fire at the old tire plant to save a box of kittens. Sure it was scary, but you should have seen the looks on the faces of those kids from the children's hospital that just happened to be there for a field trip.
How is my job? Sometimes the stress gets to be too much, with so much riding on my every decision. I know most men would crumble under such life-and-death circumstances but if not me, then who? THEN WHO!
What's new? Scientists have discovered that talking on the phone kills dolphins. Yeah, I know, crazy. We better hang up right now. Save the animals!
Click.
Guys hate phones.
We hate phones like girls hate following movie plots.
We hate phones more than girls hate punctuality.
We hate phones more than girls hate passing up a rest stop without testing its bathroom facilities.
If you have something important to talk about, I would rather you send me an actual letter - in the mail - than call me about it. Maybe even just use smoke signals - or see if you can do it telepathically.
Every time a girl flavored friend calls they ask some form of the question, "So, what's new?" Oh, great, just what I needed - a pop quiz.
I have to pull some crazy Sherlock Holmes shenanigans to remember what I had for lunch yesterday, now you want me to entertain you with tales of my everyday?
If that is the case, then girls need to start being more entertained with my stories - I don't want to talk about my job or my house - lets talk about that time last month when I saw a bird fly into a window! It twitched for like 5 minutes!
So, to combat having to give my verbal memoirs every time a girl calls, I've started lying.
What did I do yesterday? I fought through the restraints of a group of firefighters and ran into the fire at the old tire plant to save a box of kittens. Sure it was scary, but you should have seen the looks on the faces of those kids from the children's hospital that just happened to be there for a field trip.
How is my job? Sometimes the stress gets to be too much, with so much riding on my every decision. I know most men would crumble under such life-and-death circumstances but if not me, then who? THEN WHO!
What's new? Scientists have discovered that talking on the phone kills dolphins. Yeah, I know, crazy. We better hang up right now. Save the animals!
Click.
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