Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Leave A Message

Girls - here is a free lesson:

Guys hate phones.

We hate phones like girls hate following movie plots.

We hate phones more than girls hate punctuality.

We hate phones more than girls hate passing up a rest stop without testing its bathroom facilities.

If you have something important to talk about, I would rather you send me an actual letter - in the mail - than call me about it. Maybe even just use smoke signals - or see if you can do it telepathically.

Every time a girl flavored friend calls they ask some form of the question, "So, what's new?" Oh, great, just what I needed - a pop quiz.

I have to pull some crazy Sherlock Holmes shenanigans to remember what I had for lunch yesterday, now you want me to entertain you with tales of my everyday?

If that is the case, then girls need to start being more entertained with my stories - I don't want to talk about my job or my house - lets talk about that time last month when I saw a bird fly into a window! It twitched for like 5 minutes!

So, to combat having to give my verbal memoirs every time a girl calls, I've started lying.

What did I do yesterday? I fought through the restraints of a group of firefighters and ran into the fire at the old tire plant to save a box of kittens. Sure it was scary, but you should have seen the looks on the faces of those kids from the children's hospital that just happened to be there for a field trip.

How is my job? Sometimes the stress gets to be too much, with so much riding on my every decision. I know most men would crumble under such life-and-death circumstances but if not me, then who? THEN WHO!

What's new? Scientists have discovered that talking on the phone kills dolphins. Yeah, I know, crazy. We better hang up right now. Save the animals!



Christina_the_wench said...

We also hate liars. God, you're screwed.

moooooog35 said...

Friends come in girl flavors?!


Mine all smell like garlic and old feet.

Matt said...

I like the term- girl flavored friend.

Ed Adams said...

Mmmmm....grilled kittens....my fav.

They taste better than girl flavored friends.

raych said...

this is why god invented text messaging

M said...

You should change your name to Barney Stinson.

Andhari said...

I'm a girl but I'm not so much into phonecalls. I prefer texts.:)

Jordan said...

Hey! I am a girl and I can follow a movie plot! I resent that! Maybe I should call you to tell you how I feel.

Idea #527 said...

bahahahaha!! OMG. One of my favorites. And I can totally follow movie plots.

I actually do have a few guy friends who do like talking on the phone...if we haven't talked on the phone in awhile... or when they are bored on a long drive.
My friend Neil's girlfriend likes to call him and leave messages about her day such as she what she did after she left work--she went and worked out, got her hair cut, and is now making dinner. He hates it and I laugh hysterically. Everytime.

Fizzgig said...

my manfriend isnt shy about his dislike for the phone either. he only ever talks to his mom and then he makes hurry up, and air gun to the head gestures.


I am not one for talking either so i can relate.

Mike said...

Cell phone fun. Call somebody that's in the same room with you. Try to hold a normal conversation without stuttering. Cell phones suck.

p-huong said...

To be honest, I prefer emails now. I'll get back to you when I can... and if I feel like it.

I have a colleague who will ask me "how's it going" up to 5 times a day. Sometimes I feel like I should start making stuff up too.