Girls - here is a free lesson:
Guys hate phones.
We hate phones like girls hate following movie plots.
We hate phones more than girls hate punctuality.
We hate phones more than girls hate passing up a rest stop without testing its bathroom facilities.
If you have something important to talk about, I would rather you send me an actual letter - in the mail - than call me about it. Maybe even just use smoke signals - or see if you can do it telepathically.
Every time a girl flavored friend calls they ask some form of the question, "So, what's new?" Oh, great, just what I needed - a pop quiz.
I have to pull some crazy Sherlock Holmes shenanigans to remember what I had for lunch yesterday, now you want me to entertain you with tales of my everyday?
If that is the case, then girls need to start being more entertained with my stories - I don't want to talk about my job or my house - lets talk about that time last month when I saw a bird fly into a window! It twitched for like 5 minutes!
So, to combat having to give my verbal memoirs every time a girl calls, I've started lying.
What did I do yesterday? I fought through the restraints of a group of firefighters and ran into the fire at the old tire plant to save a box of kittens. Sure it was scary, but you should have seen the looks on the faces of those kids from the children's hospital that just happened to be there for a field trip.
How is my job? Sometimes the stress gets to be too much, with so much riding on my every decision. I know most men would crumble under such life-and-death circumstances but if not me, then who? THEN WHO!
What's new? Scientists have discovered that talking on the phone kills dolphins. Yeah, I know, crazy. We better hang up right now. Save the animals!