Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Everyday Enemies - The Road To Nowhere

Quick note - I'll be in Pittsburgh partaking in the Zombiewalk this Sunday at the Monroeville Mall. Any of you wonderful Pittsblurgers that are in the area should come out in join in. It's for charity - and for awesome.

Today marks the second installment of Everyday Enemies. It is more or less replacing "Would Ya Wednesday" - instead of focusing on if you would screw someone, we look at people who are screwing my will to live. Think of it as my stress release - some people have yoga, I scream on the internet.

For those of you knew to Everyday Enemies, it focuses on the people and situations that interfere with my ability to make it through everyday. The people that make me question whether this rat race is worth the cheese at the end. The people who ask, "Hot enough for ya?"

Today's Everyday Enemy - Anticlimactic Storyteller


When I tell a story I have a goal - I want you to crap your pants. I want to grab your attention, and I want to tickle it. I want to caress your attention and hold it and sing little lullabies to it. Just went you think you are in a safe place I want to drop the anvil from the window that is the punchline. I want laughing. I want crying. I want defecation.

So when you are telling ME a story - all I am asking is to make my eyebrows move a little. Maybe they nuzzle together in puzzlement. Maybe they raise in shock. Maybe they furrow in anger. No matter what you make them do - make them work. They are thick, luscious and get this little wrinkle between them that just drives the ladies crazy.

I don't have time for stories that don't go anywhere. You went to the mall looking for shoes but you couldn't find the ones you wanted so you asked someone and sure enough they were right there the entire time?

BOOM! Shotgun to my own face. Only reasonable response to your horrible story. I would rather chew on tin foil and bath in hot dog water than listen to a story that goes no where.

How Anticlimactic Storytellers have survived this long baffles me. The only acceptable reason is that their stories are SO boring, normal people would rather off themselves than chance having to hear another horrible story. Reverse Darwinism. The strong have met their match - and their match is slide show of Hawaiian vacation pictures.

You know what? Lie to me next time. Tell me you rode a dinosaur to France and beat Elvis in Scrabble. Awesome, dude. At least your story went somewhere. Only Anticlimactic Storytellers would probably even fuck that up and spend 15 minutes laying out why they couldn't use the triple word score.

And maybe it is a little mean for me to daydream about the them falling off a cliff as they recap their trip to Sam's Club -

But damn, can you imagine what a great story that would be?

19 comments:

M said...

Amen.

moooooog35 said...

I'm in complete agreement.

I once listened to a story from a guy, and went on for what seemed like hours.

And I sat there and sat there and listened and hoped and then listened some more.

But then he got to the part about skydiving and I was all thinking , "THIS IS IT!" and then the story just kept going.

Then I went and had a nice lunch.

Sarah said...

i have to admit, i am an anticlimactic storyteller. but i'm not going to tell you about it for fear of a terrible story. i'll just say, lots of my stories end with me saying 'the end' because no one knows when i'm done. the end.

shine said...

My mom recently told me a story in the opposite way.

It was annoying.

Ed Adams said...

I drink hotdog water.

It puts hair on my cuticles.

Then they match my palms.

The End.

Jenn Vojta said...

My stories are terrible! Since 2002 I have been wondering why you smell like hot dogs all the time. Well now I know.

Travis said...

I've got an uncle that calls it "Hot Dog Soup." That's just nasty.

I totally missed the point of this, didn't I?

Hate to plug it here, but for sure, I've got a white trashy blog of my own set up. Check that shiz, yo.

If your eyebrows don't twitch, I will personally get a lady to lick them.

That's real.

Gilahi said...

I once heard a story that was so boring that I was really, really bored.

No, I mean REALLY bored.

Like almost bored to death.

Boring.

Yep.

Boring.

Angela said...

I've been told, on multiple occasions by several different people, that I'm a terrible story teller. I've just come to accept it.

Lemmonex said...

I think boring people don't know they are boring...kinda like how parents of ugly kids cannot see their kids are ugly. It is self preservation, really.

Idea #527 said...

I'm not necessarily a boring story teller but more of a LONG, detailed story teller. . .which people probably can get that from my blog. . . wait. . . maybe I AM the anti-climatic story teller!?!?!

I think my pure animation in telling a story is worth it!!

Mike said...

I didn't know hotdog water existed anymore. I've been sucking the juice out of microwave paper towels.

Kellie said...

Agreed! I've been guilty on several occasions of telling a story that I think is hilarious and then in the end no one laughs. So either I suck at telling stories or no one has a damn sense of humor these days. I'm going w/ the latter.

Also, what type of zombie did you decide to be? We want pictures!

Maxie said...

And then i found 5 dollars.

Kristen said...

Remember that line from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles?

"when telling a story, have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!"

Also, I love that part when he says "fuck" a lot.

omchelsea said...

This happened to me last night! I would up with some random guy telling me how he used to be a bodybuilder and personal trainer and then lost 1.2 million investing in a nightclub and he doesn't really see his kids that much but boy he loves them after burying two stillbirths and three miscarriages... WHY????

Douchegirl said...

You know what's even worse? Long Story tellers. Like, this person I work with. She'll tell me a story regarding her friend X, but before she gets to the point, she has to tell me the backstory on X's life. Complete with details I DON'T CARE ABOUT and have nothing to with her original story.

It annoys the crap out of me.

mysterg said...

I have something for you over at my blog.

LaFcuk said...

This has nothing to do with your post, and maybe I'm an anticlimatic commenter...I'm in school for drafting, we are going over your fav subject of graphs. Well, there is such thing as a Nomograph [if you didn't know already]. Congrats my friend, life is complete.