Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Aw, Crap

There are several (hundred) things that annoy me about owning a home, but perhaps none more than people shitting in my yard.

Ok, so maybe it is their dog shitting in my yard, but does that change the fact that there is shit in my yard?

Who decided it was ok to drop a grumpy in my lawn as long as it belonged to an animal? IT IS STILL POOP. Stumpy's shit doesn't smell like roses, no matter what kind of stupid sweater you put on him.

So now when I mow my lawn, I either A) step in dog shit which I will undoubtedly track through the house or B) hit it with the mower and "make it rain" on my yard with Spot's dung.

How is this not against the law? You are literally leaving shit in my yard as you walk by. Real poop. It is perfectly legal to poop in my lawn. My lawn is your dog's bathroom. For poop. It is vandalism to break someone's stupid lawn gnome, but POOPING IN THEIR LAWN is legal.

If I am beginning to sound redundant I apologize, but people are shitting in my lawn.

If you aren't a big enough grown up to pick up after your dog, not only do you not deserve to be a pet owner, but you should also be shot. And then I should get to poop on you.

I'd love to follow these people home and then drop my trousers and release the beast, but I have stage fright. And collecting my own poop at home is one notch TOO crazy. Even for me.

I think my only defense is to get my OWN dog and then let him shit all over these peoples' lawn. Is there a breed that produces more crap than other breeds? I want my dog to more or less be a poop factory - like a baby but with fur.

What's this?

A Shitzu?

Sounds perfect.

21 comments:

Ben said...

No no no no no no....

Bigger dog, bigger poop.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i think you should just play poop dollar instead.

Sarah said...

one time i saw this giant english bulldog shit in my yard and i almost ran outside like a crazy lady in a nightgown weilding a broom to yell at him. i couldn't believe he just LEFT IT! i'm always a good poop picker-upper, i expected the same courtesy.

blamemyrobot said...

"make it rain" - hahahahahahahaha!
I totally got a visual with that one.

stealthnerd said...

Listen to Ben. Go for a Saint Bernard or something. be

lacochran said...

Around here they have laws that require people carry plastic bags to pick up their fresh, steamy dog poop. It's funny because it's true.

BC said...

Maybe its the fat squirrel! He's so big I'm sure his shit could pass for a dogs!

Seems weird to not see you guys anymore...miss ya!

miss. chief said...

we co-own this field thing with our neighbors, and right in the field there's a sign that says "clean up after your dog or die, bitches" or something to that effect, and then there's a little plastic bag dispenser and a little garbage can. You could get one of those?

Kate said...

It IS illegal here. Do you have a front porch? BEcause it's time to set up the rocking chair and the shotgun.

Jez said...

Okay, so when I lived as a single man in Pensacola, I had this route I would run at 5 a.m. It was still dark at 5 a.m. 3 miles. Usually during that last half mile, a turd would start knocking on the door to be let out. There were times when it was hanging there like a bunch of grapes. Ripe, I tell you! Ready for the picking!

So I was pretty sure I either had to duck between houses or shit my pants. I would look for the lack of windows and more importantly, lack of lit windows if possible. Check traffic - no one coming - zip into the yard between houses, hopefully with some semblence of a bush in case a car would come by, and lay pipe.

I always wondered if the fecal pile was found, and if the yard owner thought, "My, my, THAT is one big dog..."

Narm said...

Jez - you just left the single greatest comment I have ever received. I'm not looking at a calendar but it must be December 25th. Thank you.

shine said...

Invisible electric fence? Booby trap the lawn to dump poop on people who let their dogs poop in your yard.

You can actually get fined for not cleaning up your dog poo...maybe there's a number you can call to report them? I'm sure the police are concerned.

ellen said...

I have friends who tried putting a flag in their yard for every pile, to shame their neighbors. It didn't work.

lbluca77 said...

Once I saw a house with a "No pooping zone" sign in the yard.

Hilarious and probably very effective.

Amanda West said...

Haha.

Yeah, I think you're gonna need a way bigger dog there, Buddy.

Anonymous said...

Hey, shit is the best grass fertilizer there is.

Ed Adams said...

It the reverse of house breaking a dog.

If one shits in your yard, your legally allowed to go out and rub the owner nose in it.

It's the law of home ownership.

Moooooog35 said...

That's why God invented 'spike strips.'

Alison said...

this post is hilarious! sounds like something i would write. love it!

Non Sequitur Chica said...

Most places have laws against leaving poop in other people's yards. Catch the person in the act of not picking up the poop and call them out.

We have a big dog (Bernese Mtn Dog) and she has some big stinky poops. We ALWAYS pick them up though!

Toe said...

Black Lab = Poop Machine