Monday, February 22, 2010

Take a Biathle

Once you get past the oodles of Cool Runnings jokes, the Winter Olympics...well...kind of suck.

Curling is sweet - but I have no idea how to keep score. I feel like a 15 yr old the first time he sees a naked girl. Do I...do I touch them?

And hockey is, of course, awesome - but we already have hockey. You can't make me wait four years for something that I pretty much ignore every year already. That's what politics are for.

All the other events are people turning themselves into human missiles and then getting on ice. That is a good idea. They need to just call these events the "Downhill 400 meter Death Wish". I'm not impressed with your stupidity! Where is your mother? Did she sign you up for ski lessons because child services should have a conversation with her.

But, then it happened. I was watching some stupid cross-country skiing event thinking about how running is boring enough, now you strapped skis to these guys' feet to make them look even dumber and then BAM.

Literally.

They picked up a fucking rifle and went to town on some targets.

Skiing and shooting? That is an event? You RACE and then stop to shoot a gun?

Did I miss something? This has to be an American sport. NASCAR totally needs to adopt this.

And who in their right mind would hand a long-distance athlete a gun? I can't run a half-mile without wanting to kill myself and everyone around me. These guys are going like 18 miles.

Man, if they use this for the sequel, Cool Runnings 2 is going to RULE.

14 comments:

zwinggi said...

nerd alert: its roots are in scandinavian military training.

it would be better if they had celebrities doing it, like when geena davis was an olympic archer. also, if archery's allowed to be an olympic sport, so should bowling, darts, and beer pong... essentially they are all the same sport, called, "let's huck this thing at that other thing"

Sarah said...

i was thinking the olympics had gotten a little lame until i realized the skiers were wearing guns on their backs. shooting makes everything more fun!

shine said...

Seems to me that curling is scored like bocce ball. And not until the end of each round.

SKIING AND SHOOTING? Do they shoot the people who lost the last round? Because that would kick ass.

Amanda West said...

What? Man, I hadn't heard of that yet.

My step-mother's been watching the Olympics...

But she didn't mention anything like that.

lacochran said...

How about combining with those ski jumps? Skeet or be skeeted?

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

this is one of my favorite posts from you.

hilarious.

Russ said...

Best event ever -- shooting, sword fight, horse riding, swimming, running.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modern_pentathlon

Matt said...

dude. I watched skiings version of the long jump for like, an hour saturday until I finally gave up and turned it to predator.

how do they even get funding for these events?

CannedSalmon said...

I don't get the biathlon either. You ski as fast as you can for 15 kilometers. Then, after your woozy from exhaustion and can barely stand, they give you a gun. WTF?

WendyKat said...

i saw the women's version on the second night... that and moguls. moguls? really? that is not the definition of the word that i know.

miss. chief said...

oh come on, the ice dancing is awesome!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Great Post - I for one don't understand curling. They can certainly curl (sweep the floor) in my home anytime.

Moooooog35 said...

They need to incorporate shooting into the downhill skiing or ski jump events.

Hell. I can point downhill, too...but make me shoot a fake deer while flying through the air at 60 mph and then it's anybody's game.

GingerMandy said...

in case you're skiing through harlem. you never know...