Thursday, March 4, 2010

Super Hero Blues

I think we may have been romanticizing the life of our Super Heroes a bit.

Sure, capes are the single greatest fashion statement since Hammer pants. And Super Powers (sorry Batman) would be awesome. And the hot chicks. Oh, the hot chicks.

But lets think about the day-to-day life of Super Heroes.

That's right, Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker, Clark Kent - lets talk about them.

Because they have day jobs. They work 9-5 and probably have a coffee stain on their shirt and are nervous about that big presentation in front of corporate.

I bet their boss even gives them pressure to work a few extra hours to get that big Johnson account finished.

So they wake up to their alarm at 6:30, eat their Corn Flakes while watching the news, get in their car and battle traffic for 45 minutes and finally roll into work at 8am.

Then their coworker wants to tell them about what little Billy did at baseball practice and they discover their lunch leaked so now they have to battle the crowd at the deli on 3rd street.

They just want to use their goddamn laser eyes to warm up this cup of coffee - but have to walk all the way to the kitchen for a new glass. Guess what?

No cream left.

By the time 5pm rolls around they haven't gotten any of their work done and have to stay a few minutes late to enjoy the peace and quiet that finally allows them to do their time entry.

Back in the car - back into traffic.

Home by 6:30, but the cupboard is bare. Mac and cheese...again?

Now changing out of the coffee stained shirt, pulling that damn armored suit on and trying to get their boxers straight underneath all that rubber.

Finally they can go fight crime - but for how long? It is already 7:30 and that alarm is going to come quick tomorrow morning. Sure, they may save a few lives, but at what cost? He's up to 5 cups of coffee in the morning and his doctor is worried about what it is doing to his stomach lining.

By the time the weekend comes he is EXHAUSTED. Maybe a night on the town with friends; but how frustrating must it be to have to hold back the pick-up line, "By the way, I'm motherfucking Batman. Come get some."

So he politely mingles with girls who just want a free drink and then disappears into the night.

Is he fighting crime?

Is he saving lives?

Or is he battling that coffee stain?

Man I hope that big presentation in front of corporate goes well.


Mary said...

Is it wrong that I got caught up on the line "work a few extra hours to get that big Johnson account finished"? I think you did that on purpose.

Sara said...

I never thought about the boxers riding up underneath the rubber suit. That must suck. Thanks for the insight!

miss. chief said...

big Johnson.

Yeah so true. They're probably exhausted from doing so much paperwork, and then their bosses are breathing down their neck about something and that guy told that racist joke at the water cooler and they didn't know whether or not to laugh and it got really awkward...and THEN THE FUCKING PENGUIN BLOWS SOMETHING UP after a day like that!

Sounds 'super' lame.

Anonymous said...

Man... that post just shattered all my childhood fantasies!

Moooooog35 said...

Superheroes all go commando.

Go ahead.

Ask me how I know that.

LadyFriend said...

I wouldn't kick Batman out of bed for eating crackers. In fact, I may invite him back the next day!

lacochran said...

"the big Johnson account"?

*shakes head* Too easy.

Ed said...

They might be a little sad, and then they would remember that they can fucking fly!

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copper stiletto said...

nice page very entertaining

The Modern Poet said...

Great comentary. Reality sucks for super heroes!

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