Monday, September 8, 2008

Aloe

What's red and white and hurts all over?

Let me give you a hint - it is super sexy and saves kittens on the weekend.

I spent the weekend bachelor partying on a lake up in Michigan and used the "Self-applied suntan lotion" technique. This technique is very similar to sponge painting your upper-half but instead of using paint you are coloring yourself with sunburn. Lets see Crayola come out with that color.

"Do you have Red-Orange?"

"Hmmm - no but I do have Excruciating Sunburn. It has more purple in it."

My back looks like a paint by number colored by a 2 yr old. I am pretty sure you could play Risk on my back because it looks like a world map. If you are concerned about the hurricanes heading towards Florida just ask me to lift my shirt and I can give you up to the minute updates.

Is it possible to overdose on aloe? You are going to find me in the gutter with two bottles of aloe and a green ring around my mouth.

Look for me on an upcoming episode of Intervention. I'll be hanging out at Rite-Aid and trying to pay homeless guys to rub it on my back where I can't reach. Finally you'll find me locked in my room OD'd on thirteen bottles of aloe and suicide note -

It's better to burn out than to peel away.

26 comments:

Alexa said...

next time find a hot babe to apply your suntan lotion for you.

wax on wax off, i hear that's a good technique.

Allison M. said...

don't pick at the peeling. leave it alone.

Marie said...

OUCH!!!

-A said...

Yikes! And just when you thought sunburn season was over.

What lake were you on this weekend?

Kelly and José said...

Just wait until you start peeling. . .the pain ends and the extreme itching begins*

-Kelly

Deutlich said...

aaaah.. sunburns are A BITCH

p said...

I have a strong distrust of aloe, because I once put it on an ACTUAL burn (from the stove, not the sun), and it made it burn SO MUCH MORE as a result.

Phil said...

That would be my weirdly signed comment above. Darn that 'enter' key.

surviving myself said...

That would be the most witty suicide note ever written.

longredcape said...

What, no photo?

moooooog35 said...

Man...what's red and white and hurts all over?

Alternate Answer: That damn rash from the $5 hooker on 5th and Main.

Don't ask me how I know this.

Kristen said...

I got a wicked burn this summer and I am now sporting an oval shaped tanned spot on my lower back.

It's one hell of nice tramp stamp.

Good luck with the aloe.

fiona said...

You poor wee thing! hehehehe
Here's the cure, 2 extra strength excedrin, forget the aloe,slap on Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion and drink tons of water. I am married to a "burner" and have perfected this recipe over the years.
Had to find something that would work...not funny having a man in tow who is walking around looking like he just had a bowl irrigation whilst managing to cuss like a truck driver.

Mon said...

ouch! a handy tip that you may think is nuts, is to put viniger on your sunburn. It sounds like it may burn, but its soothing. and it wont dry out your skin like aloe. it takes the sting out. fo shizzle.

taawd said...

you couldn't just have a fatal hangover, you had to go out and get crazy in the sun and skip the sunscreen...

a picture post would be perfect.

i have extra supplies of aloe if needed, i used it like crazy when i lived in texas. hot mama it was sunny there!

just a girl... said...

Can I say dumbass. Thanks. There is this thing called asking for help. I know your afraid that your man card will be taken away. Well, thats what you get crayola boy. And at intervention I was over here dying so thanks for my first laugh today.

lacochran said...

Don't do it, Man. It's a gateway lotion. Next you'll be hopped up on $400/ounce Neiman Marcus moisturizer.

LBluca77 said...

If you were at a bachelor party how come none of the strippers lubed you up?

Lauren said...

Oh sweet. I've been worried about hurricane Ike..so if your burn could let me know if I should evacuate or not...

(PS: OUCH in regards to the sunburn. Aloe it UP!)

catscratch said...

OUCH.

If you don't start to feel better soon, I'd be getting it checked out. You may have sun poisoning.

stealthnerd said...

At least you had aloe! I am inevitably w/o aloe anytime I burn, which wouldn't be too bad except that I always THINK that I have some and then spend the night crying about my lobster-red stomach.

(vixenchick) said...

aw....i know that sunburns hurt like a bitch. feel better! kisses!

Angela said...

Oh, ouch. I know what that feels like. It feels like the least fun ever. Take some Advil. And drink lots of water.

Jenn said...

As a member of the sunburn kids club I want to tell you that I feel your pain. Aloe helps, but if you can find aloe with solarcain in it, that helps even more.

brookem said...

seriously, im addicted to intervention. that sounds like an oxymoron? actually, i think there's a tee-shirt with that phrase on it.

anyway, sorry about the burn! i don't think you can OD on aloe. you're in the clear.

Jenny said...

hahahaha love the whole paying a homeless guy to rub aloe on your back!