Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Stupid People

I am of the opinion that bears are the scariest things on Earf.

Some of you out there may think that sharks are the scariest things in the world.

You are dumb.

Bears - super scary. Sharks - as long as I don't get near it's mouth...or water... can't hurt me. Sharks don't even have thumbs.

If anyone would like to convince me that sharks are scarier than bears - I would gladly have a blogxing match and prove that bears are by far the scariest things in the world.

Unless you are my roommate - when I asked him this question he answered, "A moose at night."

I didn't know we could specify time of day for the scariest animal conversation. And when would you not pick night? At what point are you like, "Um a tiger in the early morning."

But then I looked up the stats and moose kill more people every year than sharks and bears...combined.

Touche, Bullwinkle.

But thats not why we are here.

As mentioned below - we just got DVR and digital cable. My roommate, being a hunter, watches himself a lot of the Outdoor Channel. Seeing as we have two TV's in our living room, I am always watching my beloved Cleveland Indians lose baseball games on the other - so I am fine with whatever is on the main TV.

But yesterday when I got home from work my roommate runs up as I walk in and just says...

"Oh boy"

That is the International Man-Sign that something awesome has happened. Assuming it involves boobies, I drop all of my stuff and run in the living room.

Roommate - Guess what I have on the DVR?

Me - I bet it involves camouflage.

Roommate - Yup - and a guy hunting elephants.

Me - What do you use to hunt elephants?

Roommate - ...a gun...

Me - Is that gun called a bazooka?

So he turns on the DVR and sure enough - a group of like six people are walking through the jungle looking for Dumbo. Suddenly they see a big, pissed off elephant.

Now let me say something - I think bears are the scariest things since Gary Glitter, but a charging elephant is no joke. I assume that hunting an elephant involves a ton of people with large weapons, a jeep and some crazy scope so you can shoot the thing from Milwaukee.

Nope.

Here is what hunting elephants involves -

Walking through the jungle with a gun that holds two bullets and holding a bag of rocks.

What is the bag of rocks for?

When you see the elephant, you throw the bag of rocks at his face so that he will charge you.

THE POINT IS TO GET THE ELEPHANT TO CHARGE YOU.

SO YOU CAN SHOOT IT.

WITH YOUR TWO BULLETS.

Who are these guys that hunt elephants and what are their testicles made out of? Steel? Titanium? That plastic stuff that scissors always comes in that is impossible to get open and always cuts your hands when you try and the irony is that you are trying to get to the scissors so that you can use them on stuff just like that?

So the elephant charges, gets about 20 yards away and then you shoot it. Elephant falls down.

Now what?

What do you do with a dead elephant? Throw it on your back? Shooting an elephant is like volunteering to help someone move.

"Hey want to walk around the jungle, throw rocks at an elephant, shoot it, then spend the next week trying to figure out how the hell to get the elephant out of the jungle?"

I'm only in if there is a bazooka.

20 comments:

just a girl... said...

my scariest animal A RAT

Deutlich said...

Oh good grief.. I have no idea why people bother hunting elephants.

Ok, I do - for the ivory - but I don't think that makes it right

ANG* said...

whoever designs to use that thick as shit plastic should be shot. perhaps with a bazooka.

catscratch said...

It's sad. Like hunting dumbo.

When it comes to the scariest animal... chihuahua has it, hands down. Those bitches bite ankles. Not cool.

Anonymous said...

a liger. definitely.

Nilsa S. said...

Why would you need a bag of rocks to make the elephant charge? I mean, can't you just shoot the elephant between the eyes. And if it doesn't fall over dead, then it will surely charge you??!!

lacochran said...

Giant squids at dusk. When the scuba boat is drifting away.

What you described? Not elephant hunting. That's elephants hunting idiots.

LBluca77 said...

A horse is the scariest thing on earf. They are large and bloodcurdling and they look at you with one eye, then turn their head and look at you with the other eye, then shake their tails.

My heart started pounding just writing about horses, I may have to crawl under my desk and get in the fetal position now.

Phil said...

I've always found raccoons kinda scary, in their own right. Maybe not 'bear scary', but I've actually encountered raccoons before, and had them hiss at me, and I decided right then that their sharp teeth and their ability to carry rabies were enough to scare the shit out of me.

rs27 said...

I would go skunk. they look all Pepe Le Pew and then they gas with a Louie Anderson stink bomb.

Leah said...

Wow. Bear v. Sharks? I AM YOUR BLOGGING CHALLENGER NARM!

First of all, sharks are the scariest animal on earth. Why? Because humans suck at swimming. Sharks are fucking NINJAS in the water. They're ripping off your leg before you even hear the lifeguard's whistle.

Bears? I mean, sure, bears can be dangerous, but really only the grizzlies and the polar bears. But just because they're dangerous doesn't mean they're the scariest. I mean, they give teddy bears to little kids for goodness sake! They're still cute and cuddly looking mammals.

Sharks, on the other hand, are freaky as hell! They have, what, 10 rows of sharp, pointy teeth? That is not normal.

Have you ever seen bears walk? They're all pigeon-toed and clumsy-looking. It's adorable! Plus they eat berries! So cute!

Sharks - not cute. Not at all. Not even a little. A shark is just one scary-ass bag of TEETH that moves much MUCH faster than you in the water. And it will drag you under, and you are helpless.

Needless to say, black bears are quite common where I live, and I've been too scared to swim in the ocean for years.

Alexa said...

what leah said!

Jocular Schlemiel said...

Dude, don't you watch cartoons? They use elephant guns to kill elephants. Once you fire the weapon, the barrel of the gun turns into an elephant's nose, grabs another round, and loads the weapon for you so you can shoot again.

taawd said...

isn't a charging elephant just as dangerous as a Thursday night on the West Bank of the Flats? Do I need to illustrate the point further? :)

moooooog35 said...

Rachael Ray is the scariest animal on earth.

Anyone who can be THAT annoying AND cook up a great tasting, healthy meal in under 30 minutes is just a freak of nature and should be pelted with a bag of rocks by men with titanium testicles.

I'll head the party.

TachaƩ said...

how the hell could you be scared of bears? Ive walked up within a foot of one, and it just looked at me like... got food? and wandered off.

Sabina said...

1. Hippos are pretty scary too. Look it up. I mean, not as scary as Rachel Ray, but pretty dangerous.
2. Aren't elephants endangered?

MsPuddin said...

I'm so out of this competition, I'm afraid of spiders. Although if I had to choose i'd rather get eaten by a shark than a bear. Why, because once it rips me to shreds I'll die from drowning instead of suffering with like a missing arm or something.

stealthnerd said...

I'd love to say something witty here but every point you just made was awesome.

Jenny said...

OMG i laughed so hard!
specifiying time...
i thinkthe onlything that would be scary in the day time is waking up w/ that prositute from last night...or a dead horse =D