You know what you never hear? A crack addict say, "Oh damn, thats entirely too much crack! I'll never be able to smoke all of that! Could someone help me with all this crack? I'm going to have to take some of this crack home for later."
The same rule applies to giant hamburgers.
I'm a fatty. Maybe not in stature, but I eat, sweat and pant like a fat kid. I don't swim with my shirt on though, so I'm not sure the fatty community will let me into their inner circle and give me their secret code word to get into their secret meeting places (hint: the locations are marked with Golden Arches and the code word is Super Size Me).
Even I realize that a burger that is so large it doesn't fit in your mouth is just stupid. That is like Megan Fox only being able to have sex with guys hung like a light switch.
But, as a fatty, I still giggle like a school girl when that giant hunk of animal gets set on the table. I realize in my brain that I can't possibly eat the entire thing - but the hierarchy of my thought process goes as follows:
My Liver's Masochism
So, like any self-respecting man, I pick that thing up and don't set it down until it is gone or I am drunk on meat and suffering from a fatal case of the meat sweats.
Putting a giant burger in front of me is like putting a box of fireworks in front of a 14 yr old. Even though I know better; I'm still going to end up in the hospital.
Why isn't there more done to regulate hamburgers? Sure the drug trade is causing problems in America's youth - but lets talk about what giant hamburgers are doing to our middle-aged white guys.
How am I supposed to turn down such a delicious offer?
"Hey do you want a hamburger the size of a basketball?"
That's like asking Gary Busey if he would like more crazy. Or Brittany Spears if she wants to more pregnancy. Or me if I want more poorly-written celebrity jokes.
There are some things that are supposed to be oversized - funny sunglasses, clown shoes, my ego - but hamburgers are not one of them.
I ask you, Reader - nay - I beg you, dear Reader - stop the insanity. If it can't fit in your mouth - then what is the point?
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!