Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Working Too Hard For A Joke

You know what you never hear? A crack addict say, "Oh damn, thats entirely too much crack! I'll never be able to smoke all of that! Could someone help me with all this crack? I'm going to have to take some of this crack home for later."

The same rule applies to giant hamburgers.

I'm a fatty. Maybe not in stature, but I eat, sweat and pant like a fat kid. I don't swim with my shirt on though, so I'm not sure the fatty community will let me into their inner circle and give me their secret code word to get into their secret meeting places (hint: the locations are marked with Golden Arches and the code word is Super Size Me).

Even I realize that a burger that is so large it doesn't fit in your mouth is just stupid. That is like Megan Fox only being able to have sex with guys hung like a light switch.

But, as a fatty, I still giggle like a school girl when that giant hunk of animal gets set on the table. I realize in my brain that I can't possibly eat the entire thing - but the hierarchy of my thought process goes as follows:

Boy Parts
My Liver's Masochism

So, like any self-respecting man, I pick that thing up and don't set it down until it is gone or I am drunk on meat and suffering from a fatal case of the meat sweats.

Putting a giant burger in front of me is like putting a box of fireworks in front of a 14 yr old. Even though I know better; I'm still going to end up in the hospital.

Why isn't there more done to regulate hamburgers? Sure the drug trade is causing problems in America's youth - but lets talk about what giant hamburgers are doing to our middle-aged white guys.

How am I supposed to turn down such a delicious offer?

"Hey do you want a hamburger the size of a basketball?"


That's like asking Gary Busey if he would like more crazy. Or Brittany Spears if she wants to more pregnancy. Or me if I want more poorly-written celebrity jokes.

There are some things that are supposed to be oversized - funny sunglasses, clown shoes, my ego - but hamburgers are not one of them.

I ask you, Reader - nay - I beg you, dear Reader - stop the insanity. If it can't fit in your mouth - then what is the point?




Ben said...

Montanna's Restaurant.

Feta Veggie Burger.

44 grams of fat.


Tell me, how does that happen? And how do I stop craving them? And now do I stretch out my mouth more so I can fit more of it in?

I can't pinpoint where I stopped talking about hamburgers.

Maxie said...

If it's too big just cut it in half.

that's what she said.

ouch. nevermind. not what she said.

Alexa said...

remember a couple days ago when you told me that you are the commenter couldn't post anything because it would be too dirty.

that's me, right now.

Mel said...

My mother always told me that "more than a mouthful was a waste."

But I'm not quite sure if that conversation was about dinner...

Arjewtino said...

This is exactly what went through my head when I ordered the Kitchen Sink burger at Ted's restaurant a couple of years ago.

Word for word.

surviving myself said...

Gary Busey is watching you, and he is very, very angry.

Jocular Schlemiel said...

Go to

Eagles Deli Challenge: $50
5 lbs of beef
20 slices of cheese
20 pieces of bacon
5 lbs of fries
1 half sour pickle
1 fountain drink
Served to 1 person

JustinS said...

Amen, brother.

I can't help but order the biggest burger on the menu whenever I go someplace serving them. I'll browse down the list, pretending that I'm considering the simple cheeseburger, or the western BBQ burger, or the bleu cheese burger, when in reality I know exactly what I'm getting:

the one with 189 patties, 543 slices of cheese, 16 freshly slaughtered pigs cured into delicious bacon, 4 dozen fried eggs, a ton of ham/turkey/whatever other meats they had lying around they can fit on the bun.

Deutlich said...

LMAO @ Maxie

Fo real.

Marie said...

And now I want a hamburger. Or a steak. I'm just hungry.

moooooog35 said...

Thank you for the reminder that Megan Fox will never have sex with me.

Light switch analogy is not greatly appreciated.

Now, excuse me while I go "clap off."

March to the Sea said...

does cutting it in to smaller pieces count?

Phil said...

That's the way of the world... some things are only good when you can have it all at once.

Nilsa S. said...

I've got the after-Narm post sweats. And it's not pretty.

Kelly and José said...

Although I don't share your love of gigantic hamburgers, I do feel similarly to ridiculous portions of french fries. . .just can't get enough*


LBluca77 said...

I just eat until I have to unbutton my pants then eat some more. Which also has made me rather popular with the boys.

Chardsy said...

My mom always gave me those words of wisdom before going out on dates, "now chardsy remember, if it can't fit in your mouth - what's the point?" But she usually ended it with something like "no one likes teeth marks."

rs27 said...

What if you get meat sweats from sitting and playing Video games?

Mon said...

here i was all ready to comment on giant hamburgers, then I thought..."meat sweats" is kinda pervy.

And so are all these comments, my virgin eyes can't handle it.

Then i remembered that stupid wendys commercial. meatatarian. And now im all better.

ANG* said...

hey imagine trying to pick up one of those burgers with hands the size of a child. cause ughhh thats the problem i have. freakishly small baby hands. its always a mess, but like you, i cannot resist.

ughh thats what she said?

Christina_the_wench said...

Your boy issues are funny. *snorts*

Cheeburger Cheesburger is calling. They say your table is ready.

catscratch said...

I haven't had a burger in 18 years. Now a big, med-well steak... gimme.

stealthnerd said...

Listen, if it doesn't have bacon or cheese, it's not worth stretching your jaw for anyway.