Friday, September 12, 2008

An Open Letter To The Vending Machine Guy

Dear Vending Machine Guy,

I like your yellow shirt. It's nice and it says, "I don't own a washing machine." I respect a man with a message.

But we need to talk.

Our office, almost 100 of us now, love Snickers. Almost without fail, if someone is sliding change into your 1980's vending machine, it is because they have a taste for chocolate, caramel, peanuts and nougat.

Not to mention the sayings on the wrappers - Nougatocity, Peanutpolis, Substantialiscious. These are funny and they give me something to talk about that isn't the weather.

What I am trying to say is that Snickers bring the office together.

But you don't care, do you? Because last time you came, you only put four Snickers in the vending machine.

Four.

Lou Bega has written more Mambo's than you put Snickers in the vending machine. So, of course, they were gone within hours. When I am knee deep in some Excel spreadsheet and I need a little chocolatahol - what am I supposed to do? Milky Way? Yeah I'll eat it but it's no Snickers. Milky Way is to Snickers what Saved By The Bell the College Years is to the original - it feels familiar but why is Bob Golic there?

So we managed to get by on or four Snickers, assuming you would see how quickly they disappeared and refill the machine with an acceptable amount.

In fact when you arrived last time there were emails sent and meetings skipped to see what kind of candy pleasure awaited us.

And then we saw three Snickers.

Three?

Three fucking Snickers?

I understand gas prices are high and the hurricanes mean we need to ration certain things - but if you ever walk into this office with less than 8 Snickers bars I swear to Jebus I will rip that shirt off and put it behind the 14 bags of pork rinds in that machine that haven't moved in 7 years.

Thanks for your time.

Signed,
Narm.

28 comments:

Deutlich said...

our guy is OLD and is NOTORIOUS for putting crap in there that nobody eats and waiting so long btwn visits that the stuff we DO eat has been emptied for weeks

grrrr

Alexa said...

im imagining a fight for snickers at your office. like a marketing professionals cage match.

Phil said...

I don't see why the entire machine isn't filled with Snickers. Hello! "Hungry? Why wait?" OHHH! What if he's keeping all the Snickers to himself! Then his shirt would also say "I'm a Snickers-hogging bitch."

moooooog35 said...

You'd think maybe he could sandbag a few of the "Sun Chips" for some more Snickers.

Sun Chips taste like wood.

The tree wood. Not the penis wood.

I have no idea what the latter tastes like.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Ben said...

This post is a magical work of art and should be adopted for a piece of viral marketing.

DO YOU HEAR ME, SNICKERS?

If so, help those poor folks out, will you? Milky Way is just cruel.

20 points for a Lou Bega reference.

JustinS said...

I was planning on picking up a box of Snickers myself the next time I went to Costco.

Being a Man of the People, I'd be willing to part with some of them.

Of course, I'll require a small payment. But isn't one's soul a small price to pay for that chocolaty, peanuty, nougaty goodness?

ANG* said...

1) while milky ways are no snickers, 3 musketeers are just a fucking joke. those shouldn't even be allowed to exist in the candy bar world.

2) what is with those pork rinds, seriously? no one eats that shit, right? aaaand i bet they are expired.

3) have you been to Bob Golic's bar yet? i just heard about it when i was home last time. also, awesome SBTBCY reference.

4) happy friday.

stealthnerd said...

Saved by the Bell and Lou Bega--in one post?! You might be my hero. In fact, I'm so in awe of your pop culture references, I'll send you a Snickers.

The Doggy Did It said...

I have an idea, go buy a big ass box of snickers from Costco, keep them in your desk, and sell them to desperate people in need of a fix. Looks like an opportunity to capitalize to me.

LBluca77 said...

Wait there are companies out there that have vending machines in the office? Reason 974 why I hate my job. At least I can wear jeans on Friday. HA beat that suckers!

Tara said...

Last weekend I finally got to play "Redneck Wiffle Beer". Fantastic! The slip-n-slide really made it. No one left sober.

surviving myself said...

What about the FEAST ads??? Man, I loved those.

Jocular Schlemiel said...

You need to convert over to Peanut Butter cups. Those are easily the greatest invention ever...besides Sam Octoberfest that is.

rs27 said...

There are pork rinds in ours.

Um, yes.

catscratch said...

We have PopTarts from the early 70s up in our machine. But we do have M&Ms.... Yum

Lauren said...

Yeah, i'm on my way to get a snickers RIGHT NOW.

Nilsa S. said...

I feel that way about the Diet Coke in our refrigerator. If anyone dares replace it with Diet Pepsi, I'll come after them with a machete.

c.watson said...

I swear our vending machine is heated so every time I get a candy bar its all gooey, but yet every week it tricks me into trying one more time.

LadyShay said...

Our vending machine was taken away:(

I say you print this post out and leave that for Mr. Non Washed Yellow Shirt Snickers Hogging Bastard. Or when you guys know he's coming make yourselves look all savage [open shirts, ties astrewn, dirty faces] hover around him and whisper snickers [like the voices on LOST]. Maybe that'll get the message across, or maybe that's why they took away our vending machine...

Allison M. said...

The pork rinds never move. Never understood that.

MsPuddin said...

$5 says he ate them...

Gwen said...

Our soda guy puts cans of orange DRINK behind the orange SODA button. I fell for that one more than once. I just kept thinking that maybe this time he got it right. I even left a note once. He didn't put orange soda on the machine, but he left me a dollar.

Kelly and José said...

Irrelevant, but for some reason we feel like you'd enjoy a good pirate joke, so here you go :)

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender says
"why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

To which the pirate replied "Arrrrr, it's drivin' me nuts"

Emma said...

Like the Milky Way, Saved by the Bell: the College Years still has a lot to offer. Like the hunky professor that Kelly had an affair with. Sure, you'd rather be watching her get with that manager from the Max on the original series, but it'll do. Much like the Milky Way.

(vixenchick) said...

omg you are TOO funny!

taawd said...

i feel so much like an amateur blogger when i read genius posts like this.

great stuff.

btw, when did i become the paparazzi the other night. you should see the pix.

Hex said...

Watch yourself taking on the vending machine guy -- those dudes are surly sombitches. It looks like an easy gig, but every guy I've ever met who gets paid to fill those things is a complete a-hole.

Snickers are good, but it's Baby Ruth ftw, yo.

Sustaino - said...

Dude, I heard there were "bugs" in the last round of goodies, and the admins complained to the vending machine guy. I'll ask the girls to pack you a lunch next time.