Stupid People

I am of the opinion that bears are the scariest things on Earf.

Some of you out there may think that sharks are the scariest things in the world.

You are dumb.

Bears - super scary. Sharks - as long as I don't get near it's mouth...or water... can't hurt me. Sharks don't even have thumbs.

If anyone would like to convince me that sharks are scarier than bears - I would gladly have a blogxing match and prove that bears are by far the scariest things in the world.

Unless you are my roommate - when I asked him this question he answered, "A moose at night."

I didn't know we could specify time of day for the scariest animal conversation. And when would you not pick night? At what point are you like, "Um a tiger in the early morning."

But then I looked up the stats and moose kill more people every year than sharks and bears...combined.

Touche, Bullwinkle.

But thats not why we are here.

As mentioned below - we just got DVR and digital cable. My roommate, being a hunter, watches himself a lot of the Outdoor Channel. Seeing as we have two TV's in our living room, I am always watching my beloved Cleveland Indians lose baseball games on the other - so I am fine with whatever is on the main TV.

But yesterday when I got home from work my roommate runs up as I walk in and just says...

"Oh boy"

That is the International Man-Sign that something awesome has happened. Assuming it involves boobies, I drop all of my stuff and run in the living room.

Roommate - Guess what I have on the DVR?

Me - I bet it involves camouflage.

Roommate - Yup - and a guy hunting elephants.

Me - What do you use to hunt elephants?

Roommate - ...a gun...

Me - Is that gun called a bazooka?

So he turns on the DVR and sure enough - a group of like six people are walking through the jungle looking for Dumbo. Suddenly they see a big, pissed off elephant.

Now let me say something - I think bears are the scariest things since Gary Glitter, but a charging elephant is no joke. I assume that hunting an elephant involves a ton of people with large weapons, a jeep and some crazy scope so you can shoot the thing from Milwaukee.

Nope.

Here is what hunting elephants involves -

Walking through the jungle with a gun that holds two bullets and holding a bag of rocks.

What is the bag of rocks for?

When you see the elephant, you throw the bag of rocks at his face so that he will charge you.

THE POINT IS TO GET THE ELEPHANT TO CHARGE YOU.

SO YOU CAN SHOOT IT.

WITH YOUR TWO BULLETS.

Who are these guys that hunt elephants and what are their testicles made out of? Steel? Titanium? That plastic stuff that scissors always comes in that is impossible to get open and always cuts your hands when you try and the irony is that you are trying to get to the scissors so that you can use them on stuff just like that?

So the elephant charges, gets about 20 yards away and then you shoot it. Elephant falls down.

Now what?

What do you do with a dead elephant? Throw it on your back? Shooting an elephant is like volunteering to help someone move.

"Hey want to walk around the jungle, throw rocks at an elephant, shoot it, then spend the next week trying to figure out how the hell to get the elephant out of the jungle?"

I'm only in if there is a bazooka.