Monday, November 24, 2008

Home Video

I've had it.

I love my job - but I just don't think this 9-5 thing is for me. I've thought it out and decided I am going to take my new life in a new direction.

Sex tapes.

Seriously, why have I been bustin' my back working all these years when all I needed to do was throw up a camera and get busy?

Laugh if you want - but Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian have their shit together. What do you do with your life when you have no discernible talents or ambition?

Sex tapes.

I figure I make this tape and within three days it's on the interwebs. For $19.99 you can download the most passionate, explosive, mind blowing 30 second sex tape you have ever seen.

After releasing the sex tape everything will fall into place. If my math is right, I should have a DUI, failed pop album and an assault charge for attacking a paparazzi by February. A short stint in rehab and then BAM - by next March I will be rich and famous and do what celebrities do - like wear fancy sunglasses.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not going to just throw up a camera and lie there like a dead fish like those two.

Um...not that I've seen their tapes...

Nope, to do this right - I'm going to have to make this a PRODUCTION.

I'm talking multiple camera angles, fireworks, midgets, monkeys, mustaches, an F-15 fly-by, Def Leppard playing in the background, a nine iron, American flag, bald eagle and at the climax I'm going to dismount and throw my arms up in a Kerri Strug Olympic pose while having roses thrown at me.

The way I see it - anyone worth doing, is worth overdoing.

25 comments:

Deutlich said...

But the question is, can you last the 6-8 hours it takes to shoot a porn properly?

Or will you be using a lil' blue pill for assistance?

lacochran said...

Sure! Look how well it worked for Dustin "Screech" Diamond.

Good marketing requires teaser ads, though. And this is probably as good a place as any to put up some sample video. Just sayin...

Fizzgig said...

well...ive seen paris's tape and she did just lay there like a dead fish. id be embaressed if i were her. and she still gets laid? what the heck?

this is a good idea. theres always money in porn.

Nilsa said...

Back in the day, those weren't called sex tapes. They were called porn. Hello Ron Jeremy!

Kristen said...

I think your dismount idea is brilliant. Please send me an
advance copy.

*gets out checkbook, furiously writes check*

moooooog35 said...

Raising hand to play the role of 'midget.'**

** as long as I don't have to touch it.

Ben said...

You had me at Def Leppard.

Marie said...

I'll need your autograph now so I can sell it for millions when you become famous.

Thanks.

Kellie said...

Ew. Lacochran just made me throw up a little at their comment regarding Dustin Diamond. Blech!

And wow, 30 seconds. That's gonna be a great sex video. No need to cut to the good parts. :)

moooooog35 said...

There's $5 in it for you if - in the video - you draw a face on your hand and write:

midgetmanofsteel.blogspot.com

Hey..you're gonna be famous.

Might as well get the advertising space while it's available.

If the only spot left is your ass or right nut, I respectfully withdraw this request.

surviving myself said...

And Funkmaster Flex! You can't have a sex tape without Flex spinning in the background.

"New shit!"

"Narm!"

"Doggie style!"

Matt said...

Mustahces?

Brilliant.

fiona said...

30 seconds.
I'm going to start working on "not blinking" right now!
I'd hate to miss the climax...

Alexa said...

fiona called you the F out. hahaha.

i'd watch.

when you get famous can i be in your entourage?

i'll bring the blow.

Christina_the_wench said...

Wsit a frickin' minute. The men in porn are usually beyond fugly. How you gonna accomplish that? Huh? Huh? Huh?

I got PayPal. Make sure you accept that.

Angela said...

I think the bald eagle might be overdoing it just a tad for your 30-second movie. Unless "bald eagle" is a dirty code word for something else. In that case, the bald eagle would be perfect, and maybe the fireworks would be too much.

HBee said...

Brilliant idea! Will Paris Hilton be your co-star?

Giggle Pixie said...

I'm going to have to make sure my DVD's slo-mo is operating correctly 'cause I'm going to want to see every second of that fantabulous "30-second sex tape" technique! ESPECIALLY the dismount, because, as well all know, form counts!

Allison M. said...

two stints in rehab.

get it right.

rs27 said...

Um, I don't pay for porn. I'll just wait until it comes online for free.

Wait not me, my friend.

That's it.

Anonymous said...

I'll take 2. I'm going to need at least a whole minute.

Megkathleen said...

Is there any way I can put down a deposit for an advance screening?

So@24 said...

I did a sex tape once. I had high hopes and dreams just as you do.

I'm sure you'll see it soon. Comedy Central is in the middle of an intense bidding war for it.

Andy said...

I'll be the honest one here and say I've seen Kim's sex tape. That girl knows how to work it. If you can do a sex tape that's anything like that, you're the next Dirk Diggler

LBluca77 said...

I have never seen any of the celeb porn videos. Not even the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee home video.

Man I have just not lived!!