Sunday, November 30, 2008

Friday Night (Busch) Lights

Just like everyone else, I headed back home into a sea of high school friends and hometown charm for Turkey Day. I swear to god I'm going to have a shirt made that says, "Cleveland, Advertising, When Marissa Miller starts returning my phone calls." That way, every time someone asks, "Where ya at these days? What do ya do? Ya getting hitched?" I can just point at my shirt and won't have to stop drinking my beer.

Anyways my old high school won it's 5th state football title in 11 years - meaning the rednecks came out by the hillbillions to mix all that turkey with cheap beer.

The great thing about a small town? When there is reason to celebrate marshal law is enacted. We take over the streets and for no apparent reason, toilet paper every building downtown. The cops give up and people set up coolers and hand out beer to everyone who passes.

But where most people would be happy being able to throw a roll of toilet paper 20 yards down the street - the redneck looks at that piece of bathroom tissue and says, "NO! I can rig up something that could fire that fucker the speed of sound!"

So as I walked down Main street, two beers in hand, I was struck by the most beautifully redneck invention there is - the Toilet Paper Launcher (patent pending).

Ingredients - a leaf blower with a board screwed to the side of it that is holding a roll of toilet paper on a peg at the end. That way - when you turn the leaf blower on - it blows the toilet paper 60 yards down the street and over most small buildings.

In case you were wondering - YES this is a completely necessary invention. You go cure cancer - we're going to have a fucking PARTY!

13 comments:

surviving myself said...

Damn, that is fucking awesome.

Christina_the_wench said...

Awwww you were home and you didn't tell me? I would have hauled my ass and Busch-filled cooler over to the D town and watched the celebration. Fire trucks meet them at the county line? lol

LBluca77 said...

Oh my god!!! For Christmas will you get me the Toilet Paper Launcher??

Pretty please with sugar on top.

Matt said...

I almost just shed a tear.

that is pure brilliance.

Kristen said...

We never do anything that cool around here.

We suck.

Clearly.

moooooog35 said...

Billy Mays would be able to sell the shit out of this thing.

Pun intended.

Arjewtino said...

Curing cancer is so overrated.

You, my friend, are giving back.

Movie Maven said...

Glo. Ri. Ous.

Though I must say: I was at a Girl Talk concert a couple weeks ago and they were using those. Does that make Greg Gillis a redneck?

Angela said...

That sounds like so much fun, haha.

My mom recently found a 60pack of toilet paper in my brother's car trunk. He said he might need to poop really badly some day. My dad just laughed at him and told him he could come up with a better excuse than that.

rs27 said...

I will buy 4 of those t shirts. Even if it says Cleveland.

Giggle Pixie said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Fucking rednecks RULE.

Just sayin.

Nilsa said...

This kinda reminds me of college. In a southern town. Where we'd shut down the main street when we won big games. Where they'd (not me, no siree!) would flip parked cars upside down and light them on first. Where drunk was the norm. If ONLY we had toilet paper launchers. My college years would've been complete.

Maxie said...

you should definitely sell shirts like that.

personalized...or not.