Monday, September 21, 2009

Everyday Enemies - Wave Em Like You Just Don't Care

I'm starting a new piece here at White-Collar Redneck. I call it Everyday Enemies. It isn't weekly and doesn't have corporate sponsorship...yet. Maybe someday soon it could be the Everyday Enemies brought to you by Enzyte. For now - this is all ya get.

Everyday Enemies is going to focus on the people and situations that interfere with my abilities to make it through everyday. The people that make me question whether this rat race is worth the cheese at the end. The people who ask, "Hot enough for ya?"

Today's Everyday Enemy - Overexcited Hands Storyteller


Know what your story doesn't need?

Touching.

In fact, I am fairly certain telling stories is not a contact sport.

Also - unless you are telling me a story about jazz hands - you can keep your hand motions to a minimum. Billy Mays has left us and with him went the need for waving down planes while talking.

Let's face the facts - if you are telling me a story, I am just waiting for you to finish so I can tell a better story. And, chances are I am hungover - and hungover people are like bears - you need to avoid sudden movements or gestures for fear they will rip your arms off and beat you dead with them.

Please take note -

If something is cold, I don't need to also feel how cold it is. I have been cold before. I am familiar with the feeling of something being cold - I live in fucking Cleveland. Your description is just fine.

I don't need to feel how hard someone hit / pinched / sexually harassed you. Again, pain is something I have felt before, use your words not your ridiculously annoying hands.

Finally - there is no need to hold my arm as you tell the story. While everything in my body wants to run away screaming, I promise I will not do so. I will be polite - and by polite I mean wait for the first time you stop to take a breath and then interrupt you so that I can start talking.

On second thought - maybe next time I see you, instead of coming over for a quick conversation - I'll just wave.

11 comments:

moooooog35 said...

You forgot the disclaimer:

* The above is not applicable in the case that you're a crazy hot chick. In that instance, please, feel free to touch away!

M said...

What is it with those people? Seriously.

Also...I have the hardest time not interrupting or one-upping people's stories. Can you imagine if we had a conversation? Epic. I'm not as funny as you though, so you'd probably win.

That Kind of Girl said...

Truly, the opposite of talking isn't listening -- it's waiting. Although I like it when people immediately jump in after one of my stories with one of their one. I guess I'm stupid-confident enough to assume that they're enjoying my (brilliant, ass-meltingly hilarious) story right up 'til the end, and not hating every second 'til I shut up.

Totally with you on the touching thing, although for my blog I've been experimenting with going against my instincts and being someone I'm TOTALLY not. I think one of my next efforts should be a touch-and-talker, just to see if it's really so bad!

Lily said...

This series is destined to rival the Bud Light "Real American Heroes" series.

If you could get some cheesy '80s vocal back-up singing for your rant, you'd take the prize, my friend.

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

I hate it when people touch me, unless they are my husband or my mother, they need to back the eff off.

justjp said...

You used to be able to sign up other people for the military, kind of like a sign on bonus. Too bad this is no longer in practice..

Maxie said...

"If something is cold, I don't need to also feel how cold it is."

THANK YOU. When my coworkers leave the office during winter they always put their freezing hands on my face/arm and then I murder them all.

We have a high turnover rate here.

lacochran said...

Narmy, we tell stories just so we have an excuse to touch you.

Ed Adams said...

I've punched people before for using their hands while talking. I quit doing that after the incident with the deaf chick.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

uh oh - i'm so this girl.

you like it when i touch you though.

miss. chief said...

oh, i'm gonna like this series. i have SO MANY everyday enemies.