Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Toys R Us Kid

My name is Jeff.

Just Jeff.

Not Jeffrey or Jefferson or Jefftardo.

Girls, this may come as a surprise because so many of you come up and say, "Hey there, Handsome." Handsome is not my name. It is my MIDDLE name.

When I was in college I worked at Toys R Us so that I could afford alcoholism.

Let me tell you - nothing is as hard on a hangover as a mother with a screaming child giving you the business for not having the correct Bratz doll. Listen, Lady, I'm sorry but your attempt to turn your daughter into a slut will have to wait 3-4 business days - go home, turn on MTV and deal with it.

At Toys R Us, when a large ticket item (say a bike or a sandbox) are purchased - someone has to go into the back and bring it up front for the customer.

For the first two weeks I worked there I would hear over the radio:

"Jeffrey - we have a pickup from the back."

And everyday I thought the same thing - "I will murder you until you are killed dead if you call me Jeffrey ONE MORE TIME, Radio Voice."

So finally after two weeks of this I had enough. I walked up front to the cashier and said, "Listen - my name is just Jeff - enough with the Jeffrey shit."

Her response?

"It's Geoffrey. As in Geoffrey the Giraffe. You know, the mascot of this entire store that is plastered on every square inch of open space? Him."



I guess Geoffrey is ok, then.


Matt said...

I had no idea toys r us sold sandboxes.

thats just crazy.

Anonymous said...

Ah, Bratz, making children into hookers since '93. Nice.

shine said...

Please tell me you put all the slutty toys in a pile and burned them on your way out the door.

Marie said...

Ummmmm, what now?

Ed Adams said...

I didn't know that fucking Giraffe REALLY works there! That's fucking AWESOME!

Ben said...

I also have a giraffe mascot who follows me around.

Christina_the_wench said...

Is Geoffrey like Santa Claus? I mean, how does he get around to ALL of the stores to bring stuff up from the back? I expect you to know this stuff.

moooooog35 said...

They would make the giraffe pick shit up?

Isn't it degrading enough to be working in a fucking toy store and not roaming the plains of Africa eating leaves and shit?

That last part was about you, not the giraffe.

M said... the Bratz doll true!

Mike said...

Brings back memories the page thing does. When a new person was doing the pages we would call in and ask for Jack Mehoff to be paged.

LiLu said...

"Murder you until you are killed dead" is my favorite threat, much like "dying of death" is my favorite way of saying "hungover", thanks to Maxie.

BrazenBareToe said...

See that's what I'm totally confused about, is Geff really working there? Why would she ask the mascot to pick shit up? Or is she trying to be cute like she's pretending your Geff for the kid's sake? Either way I'd slap her.

Un[Censored] said...

It's only a matter of time until they have dolls called:

Titty twister Teresa: Buy one set of pasties, get the 2nd set free!

Pole Dancing Patricia: Find out how low she can go

Deep Throat Dawn: Help her Cram for her exam!


Bratz are just the beginning.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

we have the same mind.

what is the likelihood that we both wrote about our college jobs on the same day?

wait. did you copy me me?!?!


miss. chief said...

hmm. and there you were, doing the giraffe's work like a sucker.

oh man, i hope you gave that fucker a punch to the giant neck!

Allison M. said...


ok you made me laugh. AND Paris Hilton. She is also the downfall of the young female population.

Bon Don said...

I think that bitch was just pulling your dick, she was really just paging you to do all the work Mr. Jeff Handsome!

Idea #527 said...

That is priceless! haha!!

Skippy said...

This was great...may I call you Geoff?

Anonymous said...

Um you didn't mention your REAL name... JEFFY-POO! Admit it, that is your REAL name. It's on your birth certificate, admit it.