Wednesday, September 2, 2009

You're All Fucked

I don't mean to cause alarm, but I woke up this morning with a...condition.

I felt normal, maybe a little stiff legged. My voice felt a little hoarse and I had the most unquenchable thirst...

FOR BRAINS!!!


Do you SEE that? I'm like 10 minutes from being part of the walking undead!

But am I scared and fighting for my life?

NO!

I'm worried about you. I've logged so many hours in front of zombie movies I am the perfect zombie protection plan. Without me, well, not to be mean, but you guys are fucked.

You think you are fine and, honestly, you probably have a few days. At least you out of towners. But from the looks of that tiny little red splotch on my eye, I'm a goner. And when I become a zombie - you don't stand a chance. Even with zombie eyes, if you take one look into these beautiful brown oceans of love you are lost at sea. And that's when I strike.

No, even as I sit here - waiting for the zombie virus to take over my senses and turn me into a shuffling, mindless ghoul, searching the earf for victims, I can't help but think of you first.

I mean, it could be worse...

I could have swine flu.

20 comments:

moooooog35 said...

Can you smell my brains?

And..if so...

Could you tell me where I left them?

Thanks in advance.

Marie said...

Visine can take care of that!!!

justjp said...

Looks like one too many bong swats. Can you get the zombie virus from a bong?

Kellie said...

If you really cared for us you would have someone kill you so that you won't kill us all once you turn into a zombie. But I actually think you could take some visine and cure your zombie changeover. Just don't put it in your drink b/c according to Wedding Crashers it will make you shit your brains out. And then you could eat them!

(This made no sense and I like it that way)

Sarah said...

come here narm, let me show you my new shiny chainsaw.

Fizzgig said...

were all going to die from the swine flu. They caused mass hysteria at my work.

So, i bet zombies will benefit cus your likely immune to it, so you can eat everyones brains, flu patients are easy targets.

Christina_the_wench said...

It will take you years to get to Detroit as slow as you zombies walk so I ain't worried. Oh and when you do get here, eat the Lions first. They're very expendable.

blue-eyed brunette said...

I will do that fake-screamy-thing and lose a heel while running away from you. Because that's what the movies tell me to do.

Lily said...

You know how I know I'm turning into a zombie?
Because I sit in front of a computer every G-D day while the best years of my life pass me by.

I'm a bitter, bitter zombie.

Mike said...

Pink eye? Was your eye glued shut this morning?

And the post title was sort of misleading. I thought we were getting invited to a party or something.

BrazenBareToe said...

Looks like pink eye. Did someone fart bare-assed on your pillow when you weren't looking? That's how you get it you know.

It's ok, you can call it Zombie Virus if it makes you feel better.

lacochran said...

If a zombie's gonna eat my brain, I'm glad it's you. Be gentle?

Oh, who am I kidding. Rip into that bad boy.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

JEFF I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM!!!

it's in the corner of my left eye though.

and it's constantly red.

you had to have noticed it at some point right?

Andhari said...

Oooh try visine!:)

SS+1 said...

Zombie Pub Crawl...Minneapolis 10/10. Maybe you should think about coming...it looks like you wouldn't even need to dress up (haha)

Jill Pilgrim said...

Classic zombie symptoms. I'm afraid there's no hope.

Erin O'Brien said...

Take two Hammer vampire flicks and call me in the morning.

Allison M. said...

yes, zombies have overtaken your body with the swine flu.

Ed Adams said...

Conjunctivitis (or Pink Eye)is generally caused by fecal matter coming into contact with the Cornea or Conjunctiva.
-New England Journal of Bad Medicine

You been looking for love in all the wrong places, my friend.

LiLu said...

You better not have pink eye. I'm pretty sure I can catch that shit just by looking at a picture through a computer screen.

My eye just twitched...